No-Fi "Magazine"
presents
STUCK WITHOUT
A SMOKE?

by Ernie Mejia (of the band F.U.B.A.R.)

Admit it! Haven't you ever been stuck in a situation where you are just DYING for a smoke, but there is no smoke to be found? Well, just follow some of our make-shift smoking tips and you'll never have that problem ever again!

IN A LETTUCE PATCH... Smoke Lettuce...Wrapped in Lettuce!
Rating:
1

IN A LIBRARY... Cut out Waldos from "Where's Waldo" books and roll `em in a book mark.
Rating:
9

IN THE BEDROOM... (Late At Night) USE EXTREME CAUTION: Shake the crusty sheets until a nice pile of dead skin cells collects. Roll them in a dirty kleenex or sock!
Rating:
2

STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR... Let's suppose you shit your pants, believing that impending death is near! Smoke your underwear lined with racing stripes!
Rating:
9

LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM... Use Q-tips and potpouri wrapped in a square of toilet paper! (preferably unused)
Rating:
3
to 4

ON A FISHING BOAT... Far far away from a liquor store. Fish scales smoked out of a beer can pipe. (There is always an empty beer can on a fishing boat.)
Rating:
6

AT THE CIRCUS... A. Elephant feces stuffed in cotton candy tubes.
B. Bum some peanuts from the organ grinder monkey and smoke the shells. (May cause constipation!)
C. You're in luck! Freckles the Clown has an extra smoke!
Rating:
7

WHILE IN BRAIN SURGERY... Stress, man, stress! (Take a big guess!)
Rating:
3

ON A ROOFTOP... Bird dookie. Hmmmm...There's nothing to roll it in, so the chewing tobacco method must be administered. (When spitting, aim for car windows!)
Rating:
8

IN A CEMETARY... oooooOOOOOooooooo. Pick off the old roses from Aunt Fay's grave. Smoke the petals in a beer can pipe. (If you go to the cemetary, chances are you have an empty beer can.)
Rating:
4

LOST IN THE DESERT... Smoke cactus needles rolled up in a discarded dried up lizard skin. (This is a web-only exclusive extra bonus suggestion!)
Rating:
5

SMOKING SCALE LEGEND
1. No head change, but hey, it's a smoke!
2. HEADACHE! Proof that you smoked!
3. Tastes bad. Somebody smoked this before, I'm sure.
4. Shame, but you'd do it again.
5. Hard times call for hard measures!
6. Better than Viceroys.
7. You'd give one to an enemy.
8. You'd give one to a stranger.
9. It's LIKE a smoke! (Give one to a pal!)
10. Package it! You'll make millions!





Chris Beyond


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