Hola, and holy shit! I can't believe that I am writing for someone besides myself for a change! That means, I'll be having someone on my back each month telling me to get a column written. I feel so important working for someone who has (gasp) deadlines! (I am being serious here...)
Ok, for all the folks who don't know me, (which would be all of you), I am Lettuce Head. Also, Lettuce Head the Tripper, Senor Lettuce, Cult Leader Lettuce, or for short, Lettuce Head the Astronomical Tripper of the Universe. I don't know what the fuck possessed me to think of that name, but I like it, and have kept it for years, with the occasional variation on the theme.
First and foremost, I am a writer. I started out writing in a e-zine that I had concocted with a friend called CGA. CGA originally stood for "Computer Geeks Anonymous," which was named after the BBS I was running at the time. Later on, my friend and I decided that we should rename it "Certified Goat Academia," which had a neat ring to it. Soon after the name change, I ended up being the only person writing for it, and I also was the person who distributed it from BBS to BBS. CGA was full of humor, odd stuff, and lots of disgusting stories that I had written mainly for shock-value. Very teenager type stuff. After I hit my 20's, though, I decided to take a break from writing for a while, so I disbanded CGA (a very easy thing to do since I was the only writer for the most part). Sometimes I would also have people from the local BBS scene write articles, and sometimes a friend that I had met on the internet, Joe Genaro, would submit an occasional story or poem.
Now I have an e-zine called SBD, standing for "Short Bus Degenerates." A very weird and trippy e-zine. I write most of the stuff, and occasionally have a guest or two. After I write it, I e-mail it to Joe, who makes it into html, and the hosts it. You can find SBD at http://lowbudgets.com/sbd
Now that I have told you readers and fellow writers my life story, I wil now start on the meat of the article (or for my vegan friends, the TOFU of the article).
Good Things/Bad Things.
a list of cool things to do, and not-so-cool things to do.
Making a homemade bong from paper cups from the place you work at: Good!
Making a homemade bong AT work: Bad!
Giving the finger to the asshole who cuts you off: Good!
Giving the finger to the asshole who has a GUN: Bad!
Eating people's brains at a death metal concert: I guess good, if that's your thing.
Eating people's brains at church:Bad! Very bad! A one-way ticket to an institution! (Unless you live in a North-Eastern European Nation in which case: Eat Up! You'll gain all their knowledge that way and it's all approved by the lord too!)
Peeing off your patio after drinking 14 beers: Good!
Peeing off your patio when you live in an apartment complex: Bad!
Masturbating:Good (when you don't have anyone at the moment.)
Masturbating at a porno theater: Bad! (Just ask Pee Wee).
Selling herb to people with money:Good (when you need to pay the rent.)
(don't take me seriously on this one, it's illegal and I am not going to be responsible for you going to jail when the second part happens to you.)
Selling herb to people with badges: Bad Very bad! Very very bad!
Taking retards to the zoo: Good!
Leaving them there: Bad!
Smoking cigarettes:Good (especially when one has a stressful job!)
Smoking crack: Bad!
Getting completely shitfaced at a show: Fun!
Getting completely shitfaced, then driving home: NO! BAD! VERY BAD!
Showing John Waters' films to prudish friends: Good! (I love their reactions!)
Showing John Waters' films to mother: Bad!
Keeping a condom with you at all times:Good and safe!
Keeping a USED condom with you at all times: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!
Having sex in the woods: Good
Having sex with woodland creatures: Bad!
I think I shall close with that. Kinda short, but hey... I DID tell you my life story too. Haven't I tortured you dear readers enough? (LETTUCE!)