Hola, Lettuce here! Unfortunately my brain freezed after I ate a couple of Windows98 CD's. I was not prepared for that, as I had nowhere to plug in a keyboard to make that damned blue screen go away. Later, after drooling in a corner while in the fetal position, I spoke two words to myself. They were music to my ears, and my existance cheered me on and I moaned with great difficulty, "Any Key." As I had spoken "any key" to continue, I was back to normal, and now I'm here to bring you this great column. Well, maybe not so great, but an ok column at least. I have always wondered WHY the fuck major labels suck so bad! I took this curiosity down to the post office in the form of a letter written to BLAMco Records, who put out such "great" acts like Shittany Smears, N*Suck, SmackStreet Boyz, Turd Eye Blind, and LimpKin Park. I basically told them that I wanted to be let in on their secret to success. They put me on their monthly newsletter maillist. Here it is.
WELCOME, beautiful people and enemas. Our ghost writers have been having a busy month, and so have we. Why, you might ask. Well, our latest acts have been whining and moaning to us to get them some new songs... so like the money-hungry greedy people we are, we consented. That means that the people with less than an 80 IQ have some new music to listen to. We have brought back the biggest loser in the world, Shit Rock, to his coveted stardom! Yeah, we write him some new Redneck-Jock-Rap and he is back on the charts! Surprise, huh? Also, for that craaaazy homophobe in all of us, we bring back Enima-em. Our wonder-boy climbs the charts like they were a lubed thing as he teaches our children to hate those diffrent from from us. Remember, a closed mind is a safe mind. Enema-em is joined with the Jerry Falwell Gay Hate Choir on the song "Homo Go Home," which was written by our fabulous ghost writer team. Thank you again for supporting narrowmindedness, and now let's get on with the newsletter.
Thank$,I don't know about you, but I get so pissed whenever I drive my Benz by a small club and see those "different" kids lined up outside waiting to get in to see some talentless local show! I went to one of those shows once upon a time, but left after I realized that everyone in the line waiting for the show looked weird, and was having intelligent conversations among each other. If there is anything I can't stand, it's people who are smarter than me. That's why I usually only go to shows that OUR superior label put on. I like it when I can stand in line and strike up a conversation with someone standing next to me about such great topics such as sex, drugs, or why I hate smart people.
Beyond that, though, are the bands that play at these small clubs. They are all local, and they are very fast. Fast music gives me motion sickness. They all look weird too, those bands. They also either release their crap by themselves, or have some tiny label carry it. Good! Blamco doesn't want their crappy music anyway!
You don't know me, but I am a vital part of this label. My name is Swizzle, and I write the songs that these artists sing and dance to. There are many rules that I have to follow when I write lyrics for our talented artists. First of all, I cannot offend the majority. This means that I cannot say anything bad about guns, organized religion, or of ruling political parties. This takes any bite out of the music that I write, and kids of today need something to hate, so that brings us to rule number two! This rule tells me to include something that gives the kids something to hate. Whenever I want to pick something, I just go to my list of "approved minorities to hate" that Biff gave me. Some of the minorities on this list include nerds, gays, punks, southpaws, and people who do very naughty things to little helpless woodland creatures.
Some people think too much. I think that they need to stop thinking and buy a CD from Blamco records. Yes, a CD, I said... we do NOT sell those 12" hunks of crap that people call vinyl. No, buy a CD, you outdated fuck! We believe that the world would be a much better place if you bought our music, and believed our beliefs, and lived our lifestyles. I, for one, encourage young children to drop out of school, go to a lot of raves, and take LOTS of ecstacy! Yeah, rot your brain away, because a brainless person is a happy one; open to anything we decide that they want to buy!
What's up, I'm Yo Yo Snorts, the coke pusher here at Blamco! You might ask me something wack like "why does a major label have scum like YOU working for them?" Well, bitch, I keep the bands and groups at Blamco blamming. Nothing sucks like a band with a mind of their own, so we just get those idiots hooked on something, and that keeps them loyal to our label. Take Shit Rock, for instance. When we first got his ass on our label, he liked to take weekends off to drive his 4x4 truck in mud, or to go fishing, or something like that. Well, we needed his ass here 24/7 to get his first album recorded, so we gave him some rubber hose, needles, spoons, lighters, and enough heroin to sterilize a horse. And quicker than you could say "Blamco," he was blamming! We hooked his ass, and now there isn't a day that goes by without him here lookin' for a fix. That being the case now, we have his ass here whenever we want him to record some shit.
After reading this far, I realized that these bastards were successful because they took advantage of the mindless majority. What a bloody swindle. Man, I think that I am going to be sick! These people are currently poisoning the minds of our kids, and I think that it is quite disgusting!