[Begin e-mail to Chris Beyond]
This column sucks...
sorry.
Now I'm depressed.
I hope that it isn't as bad as I think it is, but it's probably worse! If you want me to trash this one and do something different, let me know... I'll understand. If you want to use it, feel free to have full editing control with this one... I have no sense of pride with this one... it sucks. I just wrote it while dead tired, and now my vision is a blur from staring my laptop's screen for long periods of time. Sorry for the downer... I just get really depressed sometimes... and am now going through one of those periods. Hopefully I'll be better in time for next month's column!
Disclaimer...
nothing said in this following column is to be taken personally....
It's the suspicious issue, so I'm being paranoid, suspicious, and all the other good things associated with it.
Adios,
Lettuce (of the wilted variety)
[End e-mail to Chris Beyond]
La Casa De Lettuce: The Column
Ok, for shits and giggles, I was going to make fun of Brittany Spears and her gross-out flick called "Crossroads," but after having written it (ahead of time as always), Chris Beyond sprung one on me, mang! He told me (three weeks after having written and submitted the column, mind you) that this issue was to be something like the "suspicious" issue, or something like that, and I thought to myself, Goddammit, last month's column would have worked perfectly in THIS issue, and Brittany would have worked perfectly last issue... so this put me in a state of depression, and I spent a couple of weeks taking some extremely heavy drugs (beer can be pretty damn heavy when purchased in large quantities). After numerous overdoses, I pulled myself out of it, and decided to just say "fuck it all, I might as well just channel all my efforts to my OWN zine, SBD," but then I decided to have a go at a suspicious column. I thought, "hmmm, maybe if I just got something off the internet, and put my own name on it, it would be a very suspicious thing, indeed..." but I am against plagerism, unless it has to do with school, so I realized that I couldn't do that... so then I decided what I would do... I would just make an introduction to my column full of lies, and then just leave it at that, nothing more, nothing less. That seems suspicious enough. So there it is,...my latest column.
...
That was a lie too, here's the column!
"The Suspicious Man Who Wore No Underwear"
by Lettuce
There was once a man who never wore any underwear. He wore no underwear because he was suspicious of the underwear companies because he was paranoid that underwear cut off the circulation to his nether regions, thus causing them not to grow to their full potential size. He also wore no clothes, because he was suspicious of the clothing companies after he heard in the weekly world news that clothing was the leading cause of cancer, or something like that... he was taking heavy quantities of medications for his bipolar disorder, and he was taking twice his normal dose the day he read that. Since then, though, he stopped taking any medication of any sort, because he was suspicious that the drug companies put a tracking device in every one of those pills so that the government could keep a track on all the people in the world who took medication.
This man could never step foot outside his house, because he was suspicious that the cops had something against him because they arrested him for public nudity whenever he tried to shop in the nude... so instead he foraged for nuts and berries in his backyard. He had a diet of vegetables, until the day that he read a suspicious artical in the weekly world news that said that all vegetables were genetically altered. He then hung himself and died.
The moral of this story:
We should all take our medication, in the proper dosages, and stay the hell away from the weekly world news. Also, clothing is not an option, it is a law. Also, if you are getting suspicious, check to make sure you are taking the right medication.
Meow,
Lettuce!
