NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
HAWAII IN A BOXX
by Roger Boxx
I have just returned from my first adventure on the Hawaiian Islands and the word that comes to mind is, "Tropirifical!" In preperation, I saw the classic film, "Endless Summer" and 1987's "North Shore." So, I felt fairly confident about my extensive knowledge of everything Hawaiian. Prior to my trip, in further preparation for the culture shock, I had spent a couple weeks getting used to eating SpamÅ sushi and practicing my shaka/"hang-loose" hand gesture. By the date of my departure flight, I was ready to enjoy a month of paradise. Little did I know what I was in for.
First off, all those maps which place the Hawaiian Islands next to the continental United States, display a footnote indicating, "not to scale." What the maps don't convey is the little known fact that the Islands are 3 TIMES the size of the continuous United States. Perhaps it is just me, but I was always under the impression that Hawaii was much smaller than the real U.S. of A. You can imagine my surprise when it took more than a day to fly a little over half way across one of the islands. What throws most of us off, is the gigantic proportions of the Hawaiian and Polynesian peoples. Hawaiians, Tongans, Somoans, and Fujitsus are enormous people. When standing facing the whore I picked up in Waikiki, I was looking directly at her navel. Her gigantic stature did help make me feel like it was ten dollars well spent.
In addition to the abnormal proportions of Hawaii, another thing that took me off guard was the legality of wearing clothes. Before heading out on my trip, nobody bothered to mention that clothes are illegal on three out of the five main islands. If I had known I could have packed far less, which would have made room for more souvenirs in my luggage. As it was, I was only able to fit a couple pineapples and a ferret in my bags for the return trip. I can't complain too profusely. After all, my genitals finally got the UV rays they have needed to complete my full body tan.
If I had to pick, I would say the best part about being Hawaii was all of the babies you get to eat at the luaus. Never before have I eaten so many infants. As Hawaiian tradition dictates if one of the wives in the harem of any man has too many children you have the option to consume the offspring at a luau. Luckily, any babies after your second son with any one of your wives is eligible for baking. That's good, because a lot of people tend to show up at a luau. It took two and a half babies to fill me up, even when complimented by fruits, vegetables, and SpamÅ sushi. So, you could imagine how many babies a full grown, giant Hawaiian might need to be satisfied with his meal. Judging the Hawaiian tropic bikini competition was also pretty cool.
On the flip side, the worst part about being in Hawaii is the lava. Everywhere you go, you are constantly running and jumping to avoid falling into a lava flow. Oh yeah, and Mothra. Ever since her run-in with Godzilla, Mothra has been hanging out in Hawaii. She is such a big jerk. I wish she'd go to some other island. I heard on the news that the Hawaiians are hard at work, constructing a large robot to do battle with Mothra. That should be good.
(Rober Boxx is a staffwriter/illustrator for no-fi "magazine"
and only washes with Lava soap and can dance the Hula better than any native.)
RANDOM FACTS ABOUT HAWAII:
researched by Chris Beyond
Ä You can fit three United States (including Alaska) in Hawaii's main island.
Ä The Hula was invented as a clever way of passing gas in front of tourists
Ä The first cowboys came from Hawaii...also the first Ninja and mimes too!
Ä Hawaii is where Jesus and Moses would go to lay low from Jehovah.
Ä The show "Growing Pains" was set in Hawaii and was shot underwater offshore.
Ä Hawaii is made of glass and looks orange from outer space.
