La Casa De Lettuce: Hallo Hallo Hallo-WEEN!
It is a happy happy happy happy hallo hallo hallo-WEEN!
Why is it a happy halloween, you might be asking?
You are also probably asking "shit, Lettuce, what are you on now?"
Well, to answer the first question... I don't know!
To answer the second question... wouldn't YOU like to know?
Well, I was thinking about the whole trick-or-treating thing, and I was thinking about how boring it fucking is! You know, knock on a door, get some candy, go to the next house... get more candy. Eat all that candy, get sick. Puke. Sounds like fun, huh? Well, I have decided that this year, I am going to make my house the coolest place to stop at... as a matter of fact, all the kids will want to stop at my house FIRST! You know why??? Well let me tell you, in a list!
List 1: Things NOT to give out to the kids
(but don't you wish you could?)
1. Baseball Bats-"Hey, Timmy, go break Old Bitch Carol's legs... she lives next door!"
2. Valium-"Hey, Joe, go zone out at home, this is the BEST candy you'll ever get for free!"
3. Spray Paint-"Hey, Suzie, go spray some profanity in the bastard Gregory's driveway over there!"
4. Flowers-"Hey, Vincent, give these flowers to the old widow Wendy down the road. She's the only sane one in this neighborhood."
5. Rubber Dog Turds-"Yo Jim, give these to the sluts down the road!"
6. Heroin-NO!
7. Acid-"Hey Pat, you'll like this stuff."
8. A 6 pack of beer-"Hey, where's Mikey? He'll drink anything! Mikey likes it!"
9. Toilet Paper-"Yo Jade, go throw some of this shit in people's trees!"
10. A case of EGGS-"Yo, everybody, gather around! Each of you take a dozen eggs. When you start seeing the cops coming, egg the fuck out of their cars and run like hell! Happy Halloween everybody!"
List 2: Other Things to do this month.
(A lot of these really should not be attempted.)
- Dress gothic and scream "SATAN" at innocent bystanders.
- Three words: Drive by shootings.
- Growl the hymns in church...
- Rape the Great Pumpkin!
- Go see the Rocky Horror Picture Show in a theater! (you really need to do this one!)
- Dye your stash orange, put it in little tiny baggies and give it out to trick-or-treaters!
- Dye your hair orange.
- Dye your parent's hair orange while they sleep.
- Dye your dog's hair orange!
- Dye your cat's hair orange!
- Dye your goat's hair orange!
- Dye your pubic hair orange!
- Call yourself a stupid-ass for just spending $200 on orange hair dye after following the above suggestions!
-Sing Cannibal Corpse songs at a Kareoke bar.
-Wear a shirt saying "SATAN LIVES" to school. When you are sent to the office, refuse to take off the shirt until the "jesus freaks" take off their annoying-assed "WWJD" shirts. When that doesn't happen, sue the school system for discrimination.
-Never sleep in Satan's bed!
Fuck shit up,
Lettuce!
