SUSPECT MOVIE INSPECTIONS FOR JUNE & MAY
PRIMITIVE LOVE / MONDO BALORDO
starring Jayne Mansfield, Mickey Hargitay, & Boris Karloff
Unrated, Something Weird Video, 2001
DVD Reviewed By: Quin
How the hell do you review a DVD with two movies on it and keep it short? And more importantly, how the hell do you review a Something Weird Video? Well, there is one thing that is for certain and that is anything released by Something Weird Video is best viewed in a large group...and stinking drunk. But I unfortunately opted for viewing this DVD both alone and sober. Make sure you keep that in mind while reading this review. Something Weird Videos start off with a montage of clips from some of their most popular releases. It looks cheap, but it's really cool. The look of their interactive menus on the DVDs are amazing. They have a very 50s look and contain catchy phrases like, "let's go to the drive-in!" This DVD's menu has a dashboard of a classic car, and you click on different parts of the radio to take you where you want to go. This I definately like. It actually reminds me of the way Chris designs much of no-fi "magazine".
The first film on this DVD is called Primitive Love. It would best be described as primitive film making. Of course that is most likely the number one reason why someone would take this DVD home with them. The other reason is that it stars the buxom blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe rival and linked to the church of satan founder Anton LeVey. I've actually never seen any of her films and this sure wasn't a reason to see any others. (ON A SIDE NOTE: If you are interested, there is a great bio-pic about her and her Mr. Universe husband starring Loni Anderson and Arnold Shcwartezenflaghenatzeneggar...it's terrible but its great.) Well, anyway, if you aren't asleep yet, listen to this, Mansfield plays an Anthropologist (brilliant casting, huh?) and she is conducting an experiment with a hypothesis that all men really want is SEX. Shocking discovery!! The dialogue in the movie is dubbed into English from Spanish. There is a big portion (about 3/4) of this film that is nothing more than a National Geographic documentary, only it's Mondo style... and narrated by Jayne Mansfield. After the documentary footage, more wackyness ensues, but it's neither funny nor interesting.
The other movie on this DVD is called Mondo Balordo which means "crazy world". It makes sense that these two films were packaged together, because in Primitive Love, Jayne Mansfield was used to sell what was really the same kind of movie, a mondo documentary. This one's a "documentary" of crazy things that happen all over the world in "real life". One reason why you should definately see this is because it is narrated by Boris Karloff of Frankenstien and How the Grinch Stole Christmas fame.
I've got to tell you, he sounds truely greatful to be doing anything in this movie. In this little film you get to witness for yourself everything from midgets to transvestites to a guy who is supposedly the reincarnated Rudolph Valentino. This actually pretty interesting stuff, so skip the Jayne Mansfield flick and go straight to this one. Sure it's exploitation, but it's at its best. The images and music are great. Karloff is great. The midget...er...little person is great!! There aren't a whole lot of extras on this DVD but there is one that recreates for you the experience of going to an actual drive-in movie...pre gang fights and stabbings. The extras then continue with a ton of trailers...everything from "Mondo Balardo" to "The Mating Urge" and "Women of the World". Other extras include a gallery of old movie posters, when they actually used art work to promote a film, and a must-see big haired beauty pageant that was clearly the inspiration for the Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Check out this DVD, but watch it with your friends and get really drunk first, during, and after...it's worth the hangover.
(Quin is a staffwriter for No-Fi "Magazine" and runs most of the No-Fi "Radio" shows. He's been with the magazine since back in the day. What have YOU done? Yeah,... I thought so!)
STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
Directed by George Lucas, Starring Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Anthony Daniels
Rated PG
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
In theatres now!
Perhaps it was on purpose, but the commercials for this film seem to hype of the "romantic" aspect of this film when in actuality it's a much much darker film than you are led to believe. In any case, No-Fi pals Phil, Kelly, Jenny, Jacob, and I waited in front of the Vista Theatre in SIlverlake starting at 7:30pm on Wednesday 5/15 in order to catch the first showing at 12:01am. After new trailers for The Matrix: Reloaded/The Matrix: Revolutions (both out in 2003) and Austin Powers In Goldmember (getting a very mixed reaction from the audience), the familiar 20th Century Fox fanfare and Lucasfilm logo appeared on the screen and the audience howled. All of my senses focused on the screen as the Star Wars logo pulled back and disapeared into space as the latest Star Wars scrawl drifted back and up to the top of the screen.
I won't tell you the story as it's best left as a surprise, but as most of you know, the story picks up 10 years after "The Phantom Menace." Anakin Skywalker has grown from the roundheaded kid who shouted out fan-favorite lines like, "Yippee!", "Wizards!", "This Is Tense", "Are you an Angel?" and "This Is Tense!" to a snotty Jedi in training at odds with Obi-Wan as they are assigned to protect former Queen of the planet Naboo, Padme Amidala, who is trying to keep planets from leaving the republic to join the federation (Perhaps a small jab to Star Trek?). Things really start to get complicated when Obi-Wan and Anakin are split up in order to find out who is trying to assasinate PadmÈ. It's Anakin's first solo assignment and he find himself at odds with his own feelings. I'll stop there. Lets just say that things stay pretty crazy from the begining. It's definitely several steps above TPM in terms of action and speed. Also we finally get to see tons of Jedi in action including Sam Jackson as Mace Windu and of course Yoda sportin' a short green lightsaber.
A few random thoughts about this film...while all the computer effects are great and at times perfect, some of the CGI characters still don't look completely lifelike and one character, a four armed friend of Obi-Wan's, looks great, but still would've been more effective as a costume with an animatronic head and to CGI arms,...but that's just my opinion. Also, they should have used the Yoda puppet for closeups. The computer generated Christopher Lee was incredable (You'll see what I mean) and the battle droids look better than the last film. Another thing about this film is that it makes Episode one a better film in that you need episode one to explain events that otherwise don't go explained in this film. Oh, sure, there is definitely a few minutes of Jar Jar action, but he has matured a little bit and his good nature is used against him in this film to the delight of the audience.
All in all, this film is back up to standard with the other films. With the last film I was like, "I'm going to see this again" and with this film I was like, "I HAVE to see this film again AND again!" It's 2 hours and 12 minutes long so don't forget to pack a lunch and sneak it in with your backpack or purse. Just make sure that you bring a drink in a plastic bottle cuz it's always embarrassing when your empty bottle falls and rolls down several seats in front of you.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and used to like to make his Luke and Leia action fugures make out until Return Of The Jedi came out.)
SPIDER-MAN
directed by Sam Raimi, starring Toby Maguire, Willam Dafoe, Kirsten Dunst, Rated PG
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
In theatres now!
So there I was in my neighborhood comic shop. I 
overheard that the Spider-Man movie had been green-lit and heard about all the elarate sets they were building for the film to be directed by James Cameron. The conversation was confirmed by set sketches in Starlog Magazine. Fast forward about 8 years or so and it's finally come out only under the direction of Sam Raimi, a totally different story , and starring a guy with the weirdest smile in show business (seriously...check it out...I swear to god that guy got a dose of "smilex").
Anyway, this is the origin story of how Peter Parker became Spider-Man. First off let me say that I liked this movie a lot. It stuck close enough to the story and Peter Parker's character (something most comic book film adaptions tend NOT to do for some reason) that it was impossible to NOT like it unless you hate life and wish the world would just go away. Well, I guess could have problems with the special effects which were mostly computer animated and the CGI used for Spider-man and the Green Goblin did not look realistic at all. It was very cartoony, in a way, but at the same time kept the same look and feel of the comic book so I was able to forgive them (in my infinite wisdom).
In the film Peter Parker is bitten by a genetically engineered spider which jumps off his hand and and strolls away trying to act all innocent. Now this is my first (and biggest) nerdy problem with the film. In the comic book origin, Petey is bitten by a spider in a laboratory that passes through a couple radioactive rods and then bites the bite that soon turns him into the titular web crawler. Now we all know these days that usually when people are introduced to radiation, they usually don't gain the powers of spiders or turn green, grow muscles, and smash anything that comes into their path. No usually they lose hair, teeth, and even muscle since they usually lay around barfing a lot (that doesn't mean that your grandpa has radiation poisoning...he's just old). So it made sense to add genetics into the story, but what I wonder is if there could have been a better way to explain it as more of a fluke. In the comics the biting spider dies right after doing it's duty, but in the film the Spider just crawls away, most likely biting everyone coming into it's path therefore creating a new race of Spider-Men and Spider-Women. It really could have been done better, but oh well.
Anyway, Peter's love interest is the large headed Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane (I believe the Hollywood term for anorexic girls with skinny bodies is "Lollypop" because their heads look so big on top of their frail bodies...not that I'm saying that this has anything to do with our starlet here). Kirstin's character replaces Gwen Stacy from the comic book's original storyline. She makes out with pretty much every character on screen. Pretty soon Aunt May gets into the action and it-is-SO-hot! Peter loves Mary Jane, but she's too busy being that girl that we know better to stay away from in high school. She's going out with super-pain in the neck Flash Thompson. Peter's only friend in school is future super villain Harry ("Hobgoblin") Osborne who really looks like he could be Mr. Dafoe's son so I'll just assume that he is even though I'd be wrong..
Eventually Peter moves to the big city after Uncle Ben dies in a non-rice related incident. Peter Blames himself for his uncle's death because,...well,...it's his fault. He uses Bens death as an excuse to wear tight red and blue tights shooting his white stuff everywhere and anywhere he can put it...even all over J. Jonah Jameson's face. Er...
So the Green Goblin hits the scene via Willem Dafoe (who I think should've played Gobbie as his Bobby Peru character in "Wild At Heart", but oh well). He really nails the role during a rooftop conversation with Spidey.
So why am I reviewing this film? You've already seen it. It made over 110 million dollars it's first weekend so it doesn't need me to get you to go again,...but I know you're going to so save me a seat.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and wore both Spider-man and Superman Underoos because Underoos were fun to wear!)
The first film on this DVD is called Primitive Love. It would best be described as primitive film making. Of course that is most likely the number one reason why someone would take this DVD home with them. The other reason is that it stars the buxom blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe rival and linked to the church of satan founder Anton LeVey. I've actually never seen any of her films and this sure wasn't a reason to see any others. (ON A SIDE NOTE: If you are interested, there is a great bio-pic about her and her Mr. Universe husband starring Loni Anderson and Arnold Shcwartezenflaghenatzeneggar...it's terrible but its great.) Well, anyway, if you aren't asleep yet, listen to this, Mansfield plays an Anthropologist (brilliant casting, huh?) and she is conducting an experiment with a hypothesis that all men really want is SEX. Shocking discovery!! The dialogue in the movie is dubbed into English from Spanish. There is a big portion (about 3/4) of this film that is nothing more than a National Geographic documentary, only it's Mondo style... and narrated by Jayne Mansfield. After the documentary footage, more wackyness ensues, but it's neither funny nor interesting. 
The other movie on this DVD is called Mondo Balordo which means "crazy world". It makes sense that these two films were packaged together, because in Primitive Love, Jayne Mansfield was used to sell what was really the same kind of movie, a mondo documentary. This one's a "documentary" of crazy things that happen all over the world in "real life". One reason why you should definately see this is because it is narrated by Boris Karloff of Frankenstien and How the Grinch Stole Christmas fame. 