No-Fi "Magazine" Movie Reviews - June 1997
"MANY MOVIES FROM A TINY CAR"



BATMAN AND ROBIN
starring Val Kilmer, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, directed by Joel Schumacher, Color, , 1997
Distributed by
Warner Brothers
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

There are so many ways I can define crap. Joel Shoemacher was always very outspoken about how he thinks it’s stupid for all the fans of the Batman series to want Batman to be a dark brooding character when he should just “get over it” and forget about his dead parents as anyone else would. Of course I think those fans spoke their mind by helping this film become one of the biggest flops of the summer. I think Joel wants all the bad guys to share the same “wacky” character in his batman films so he doesn’t have to direct people differently. This movie runs like a long coming attraction. All action and no story. The comic series’ Bane is used as a character in this film, but is used as the typical mindless brute who is Poison Ivy’s slave. (There goes one potentially good story for a movie right there.) Joel wanted this film to have the original spirit of the TV series and he has managed to make the series look better than his film. I guess all we have to look forward to right now is the Tim Burton directed SUPERMAN which stars Nicholas Cage as Superman (NO JOKE!!!) and Jack Nicholson as Lex Luthor. I have to give this for Joel...he didn’t take crap from Val Kilmer and dumped him. That’s gotta be worth something. It’s funny...I thought his FLATLINERS was a great film...as well as LOST BOYS (some people disagree with me on that one)...what happened? Anyway...go make out with your boyfriend or girlfriend instead behind some bushes. It’s free and he or she must be pretty hot or else you’d be single-o, daddy-o.



BLOODLETTING
starring Ariana Albright, James L. Edwards, directed by Matthew Jason Walsh, Color, Unrated, 1997
Distributed by
Ventura Distribution
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

Mix Quentin Terantino with a dash of Sean S. Cunningham and give them a video camera and this is probably what you would get. Sure, this is another direct to video horror flick, but hey...i’m sure it’s better than most of the other crap out there. At least this one knows what it is and plays itself to the hilt. In this film, Selena (Ariana) seeks out the one person who killed her sister AND gave her her first orgasm (at the same time). When she finds him, they go on a killing spree with Butch (James) teaching her how to be the perfect serial killer (amidst tons of Quentin-esque dialogue). You’ll howl when they play “this little piggy” and then later dress up like a nun and priest. The exploding baby may be a movie first. The ending is kind of a surprise (it’s always obvious that blood will be involved). The BEST scene in the film happens RIGHT AFTER the credits!!! That super-short scene may just be worth the price of BUYING this film! (or at least a rental)



LOVE CAMP 7
starring Bob Cresse, David F. Friedman, Carolyn Appleby, directed by Lee Frost, Color, Unrated, 1969
Distributed by DVD Classics

Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

This is pretty creepy on sooooo many levels. Total brutal sexploitation at it’s worst (or best depending on who you are). Basically a woman infiltrates one of the nazis “love camps” (as they were called) in order to assassinate one of the officials. While there she and other women must go through terrible experiments and tortures...as well being a tool of the male officers for their “little hitlers”. The horrible things the women must endure is anything but sexy. Kinda like a depraved and perverted version of Hogan’s Heroes. And we all know that Hogan’s Heroes was the way WWII German Prison Camps really were. (Yeah, RIGHT!!!!) Get this if you need a buzz-kill. Still a tape you can watch at a party, but not while everyone is dancing. More for when everyone is tired.



MEN IN BLACK
starring Ariana Albright, James L. Edwards, directed by Matthew Jason Walsh, Color, , 1997
Distributed by
Columbia Pictures
FIlm Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

A pretty ok/good movie. Don’t look for character development (or even much of a plot). Will Smith plays a New York cop who gets recruited into the super-secret (not really) society of the Men In Black. He learns that his new job involves tracking, investigating, protecting, and monitoring aliens from other worlds migrating to and from our planet. So a silly roach-like computer animated thingie crashes on Earth and inhabits the body of some lame guy who walks around looking stupid as a lame zombie for most of the movie (until we see that he’s a BIG roach-like...ooooohhh. You can see tons of those on the streets of Hollywood Blvd). Anyway, eventually the movie ends. There are plenty of funny jokes as well as others that will make you look at the person next to you and say, “that was lame!” I’m sure it’s better than SPEED 2 and I shouldn’t even mention BATMAN AND ROBIN. (oops)