NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
NO-FI "HORROR-SCOPES"
by Joe Cantrell
ARIES: 3/20 - 4/19 Sun - Mercury conjunction means you should avoid people with the letter łRČ in their names for at least 2 weeks. Also stay away from solid foods.
TAURUS: 4/20 - 5/20 Uranus is in the house of saturn and has been spying on you! Shame, shame, shame on you, pervert! Put on some clothes!
GEMINI: 5/21 - 6/20 The Moon is in its 4th quarter with Mars close behind it, but with amazing agility, the Moon fakes Mars out, heads for the end zone and scores!! What an upset!!
CANCER: 6/21 - 7/22 Unfortunately, because of your sign, you will develop a malignant tumor and die. ...Sorry!
LEO: 7/23 - 8/22 Neptune in your house of health means dogs and small animals will be sending you secret messages this month. Watch out for hidden cameras!
VIRGO: 8/23 - 9/22 Gemini with your mercury ruler means its time to cheat on your loved one and take pictures for later. (Oh boy!)
LIBRA: 9/22 - 10/21 God, you are really getting fat! You need to lay off the Twinkies, Porky. Do some sit ups (if you can.)
SCORPIO: 10/23 - 11/23 This is a good time to take over the planet by force. If world domination isnčt your bag, try brushing you teeth with model cement.
SAGITTARIUS: 11/22 - 12/21 Mars in your house of travel means you will be abducted by aliens soon. (Pack a lunch!)
CAPRICORN: 12/22 - 1/20 Youčre gon-na take a walk in the rain and you gon-na get wet. Youčre go-nna eat a bowl of chow-mein, youčll get hun-gry real soon, yeah!! Buy a SPARKS album.
AQUARIUS: 1/21 - 2/18 Flatulence plays a big part in your life over the next week or so. Vocally and vociferously cut the cheese whenever and wherever you can. You will be rewarded.
PISCES: 2/19 - 3/19 This sign has been sitting out in the sun a little too long, and now smells so bad, that none of the planets will go near it, so no accurate forecast can be given.
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