NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
FRIGHTENING FILMS FOR FREAKS!

AUDITION
starring Ryo Ishibashi, Eihi Shiina, directed by Takasi Miike, Unrated, 2002
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


I'm going to try to keep this review short, because the LESS you know about this film, the better it will be. In what starts off like a warm family film, the main character (played by Japanese music superstar Ryo Ishibashi) Shigeharu's son and best friend are trying to get him to think of finding somebody to share the rest of his life with after mourning over his dead wife for many years. His best friend, who works in Television, decides that he should hold a fake audition to try to "cast" the perfect woman to be his perfect soul-mate. After some self relection, he decides to go along with it and during the audition we process he, and we the viewers, get to meet all the wild and weird girls who think they are trying out for a movie part. One of them stands out to him right away, but is she really the person who she claims to be...and just WHAT is in that bag in her apartment?!?!? You must,...NO,...you WILL march to your video store and purchase or rent this right now! I refuse to tell you any more! Anyway, besides great color and sound, this DVD comes with a bunch of trailers, commentary by the strange Takashi Miike, and also an interview with him conducted at The Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood. Watch your back when you see this film because it just might turn on you! "Kidykidykidykidykidy"

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and will never be the same again.)

FLESH HUNTERS
starring Don Fischer, Michaela Hughes, directed by George Blumetti & Kay Cole, Rated R, 2001
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


If you find yourself home alone, yet again, this Halloween, why not stop by your local video or dvd rental store and pick up a copy of Flesh Hunters; an insane romp through the south where southern convicts have oddly english twanged accents and where lady's shirts fly off faster than good taste off of E! Television. In this independent production, a police officer haunted by the memories of his late wife must drive a prisoner through critter country to his concrete home in some prison somewhere. Everything goes nuts when they spot a UFO and end up having to travel on foot to their destination. Along the way, we meet the aliens in question who I'm assuming were real aliens who didn't sign off the rights to uses their faces in this film as their heads are always blurred "Cops" style. They are also dressed from head to toe in black which leads me to believe that they are stage hands from another planet who just got lost on their way to an intergalactic Phish or Alanis Morrisette concert. Frightened and confused in our world, as any Phish or Alanis Morrisette fan would be, they wind up hunting the flesh in question...some of that flesh belonging to the rarely clothed character of Julie played by Michaela Hughes who happened to literally run into the officer with her car.

As you can imagine, knowing the average Phish, Alanis Morrisette, & Shakira stagehand, they eventually catch the girl, tie her up to an alien wooden post, and play gameboys that somehow have the effect of torturing her. Did I mention that she's naked? Oh, yeah, she's naked all right. ANYway, this all leads to the actually charming twist ending which involves hillbillies, blurry stagehands from outer space, and swampland and that's good enough for me. And just in case you wondered if they realized what kind of film they were making, this DVD comes with a handy behind-the-scenes featurette so you can see what they had to go through even to make a silly little low-budget film like this. Get this for a bad movie film festival or just watch it when you're bored and up late some night (like me right now)!

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and is hunting your flesh right now.)

FRAILTY
starring "Wild Bill" Paxton, Matthew McConaughey, directed by "Wild Bill" Paxton, Rated R, 2002
DVD Reviewed By: Roger Boxx


On principal I usually avoid films with Matthew McConaughey, simply because I don¼t understand how he became a „star¾ and he has never appeared in a good movie (that I can recall off the top). Bill Paxton is no draw to me either. Powers Boothe always portrays something creepy, just by showing up. The trailer is what attracted me to see Frailty. A man, Fenton Meeks (McConaughey), confesses to an FBI agent (Boothe) his family's story of how his religious fanatic father's visions lead to a series of murders to destroy supposed "demons." McConaughey reveals his brother, Adam, is a recent killer who calls himself God's Hands, a murderer the FBI has been searching for. Fenton recounts how his happy family spiraled into a dark and demented world of demon hunting. The film uses flashbacks to show Meeks' childhood with a father (Paxton) who believed he was on a mission from God to destroy demons that inhabit human bodies. Fenton saw his dad as evil, while Adam saw him as a hero. While some of the filmmaking (Paxton¼s debut directorial effort) is a bit sub-par (cheese) and McConaughey is afforded excessive screen-time, the film is tremendously satisfying. A great October rental.

(Roger Boxx is a contributing writer to No-Fi "Magazine" and knows which of you are demons.)

PET SEMETARY
starring Dale Midkiff, Fred Gwynne, directed by Mary Lambert, Rated R, 1989
Video Reviewed By: Quin


Why the hell is he reviewing Pet Sematary? Well, it is Halloween and I thought what the hell. It was one of the first and only scary movies that had me awake for months. Alright, I am a big fan of Stephen King and it is so difficult to find a good film adaption of one of his books. They are almost always terrible, like Maximum Overdrive or Children of the Corn (which by the way, very faithful adaption, but it reads much better.) There have also been countless lame TV adaptions like Storm of the Century, which totally blew, but I love the movie It and I kinda liked Rose Red as well. But enough of all of that, I love and hate Pet Sematary. I hate it because it scared me to death and I love it because it scared me to death. I first saw it when I was in 8th grade in 1989 and I don't think I slept that entire year.

If you don't know what the film's about, you need to stop watching the Disney Channel so much. It's about a family of four who moves to a small town in Maine with thier cat, Church. The father, also the new local doctor, meets the strange old man who lives just down the road (played by Fred Gwynn, TV's Herman Munster) and he sure does talk funny. When the little girl's cat gets hit by a semi on the road in front of their house, the old man suggests that the father/doctor bury it in the pet sematary in the local woods. And guess what? He does. And then guess what? The cat came back...the very next day. But something is different. Now can you guess what Dr. Dad does when his young son gets plowed down by an 18 wheeler? He buries him in the Pet Sematary. It turns out that this wasn't a very good idea. So the kid comes back, people die, there's more burying in the pet sematary, etc... Nobody in this movie is very bright. But the movie is seriously creepy. The atmosphere is scary as hell. And it was directed by Mary Lambert, who actually directed a bunch of early Madonna videos. But it's actually really well directed. Really.

So, the story behind Pet Sematary goes like this. Aparently Stephen King was so freaked out that he was capable of writing such an insane story that he shelved it for a while, and it was almost never published. I am so glad it was. If you have never read the book, do so first. This way you can picture it all in your head before it unfolds on the screen. Pay particularly close attention to Chapter 32, the chapter with the flashback, the chapter with Zelda. Holy crap, the way she is described in the book will seriously freak you out and put a nice clear image in your head, then the anticipation of what it's going to look like in the film will fill you with nervous anxiety, and then when it finally comes....

The only thing that takes away from the general creepyness is some poor acting from only a small part of the cast. The little girl is awful, and the lines she is given aren't much better. And the mother's (played by Denise Crosby from Star Trek: The Next Generation) acting is sooooo melodramatic that I can't stand it. Especially when she gets all sentimental about the past. Fred Gwynn, however, is amazing, even with the funny cajun(?) accent. And Miko Hughes as the killer kid is great. So, why don't you go ahead and get this if you haven't seen it, it should certainly creep you out a little. But, there is really no need to get it on DVD because THERE ARE NO EXTRAS!! No trailers, No cast bios, no commentary, no nothin'. Save your money and buy the VHS.

(Quin is the Program Director of No-Fi "Radio" knows that "sometimes dead is better.")

RED DRAGON
starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, Edward Norton, directed by Brett Ratner, Rated R, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Roger Boxx


Hannibal was particularly awful and that made me hesitant to check out Red Dragon. I have always enjoyed its predecessor, Man-hunter, despite the Miami-Vice influence of the era, and carried no confidence that this new film, brought to us by the director of Rush-Hour, would offer anything worthwhile. I have been impressed with most of Edward Norton¼s script selection (Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club), but as of late he has been participating in some rubbish, (Death to Smoochie). I like Emily Watson (Breaking the Waves, Punch-Drunk Love, Gosford Park) quite a bit and Sir Anthony Hopkins (Instinct, Mask of Zoro, Freejack) can play Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter, but he is a whore and will show up anywhere they hold out a paycheck. Despite my inherent grievances, I was eager to see what the filmmakers managed to come up with and åtis the season for a scary movie.

So, as it turns out, Red Dragon came together as a good film. The structure of the story is much closer to Silence of the Lambs than Hannibal dared to tread again. FBI agent Will Graham (Norton) seeks the help of Dr. Lecter to help solve the case of "The Tooth Fairy" killer: a slaughtered family every full moon. They have 3 weeks until the next full moon to find the madman, but an innocent blind woman has found him first. Graham must risk his family's security and his own safety to track down this one last murderer, The Red Dragon.

Following in the wake of Silence of the Lambs and Manhunter, some of the elements now ring a bit clichÈ, but this movie stands up to be about as strong a sequel as any film can hope to spawn. Godfather II and Empire Strikes Back being the best anyone has been able to manage so far. Rather odd, since traditionally sequels become progressively worse not better. Godfather III, Return of the Jedi, Phantom Menace, Bride of Chucky, Scream III. Not since Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade has this occurred. Perhaps the new Star Wars movie will be something spectacular?

(Roger Boxx will not eat your liver, but your friend's liver is another story.)

THE RING (U.S. Version)
starring Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, directed by Gore Verbinski, rated R, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


So the film many of us have been waiting for is finally here...the American remake of the Japanese film "Ring" which itself has spawned a sequel, a prequel (Ring Zero, which we will review next month), and a Korean remake as well. So is this remake up to snuff with the Original? Well, yes it's definitely a good movie, but it doesn't come without its minor (very minor really) problems. The story is mostly untouched (as seen in our review in issue 28) from the original. Rumors are going around about a videotape that if you watch it, you get a call telling you that you have only 7 days to live. In the U.S. version Naomi Watts plays a young reporter mom named Rachel whose niece died under unusual circumstances. She traces her death to the rumored videotape which she finds later and then watches herself...only to get the call she didn't believe would happen. She then must solve the mystery of the video's images before she or the people in her life who also watched the video fall prey to it's curse.

The acting, directing, script, and cinematography are all great in this film. It seems to me that this U.S. version did everything it can, though, to tie up any loose ends or questions left behind by the original version. One problem I thought I would have with this version was that the filmakers wouldn't let the American audiences think for themselfs and draw their own conclusions from some of the things presented in the original version. Although I did like this film, I was right about that. Part of the fun about a mystery is that there are some grey areas that you have to fill in the blanks yourself in order to make sense of certain details and it feels like the film is always a step ahead of you to turn over any stones before you get to them to check for yourself. STILL, it's a good film, but I would still recommend the original over this one. Sadako is FAR more creepier than this film's Samura any day. Watch this one with your most scardy-cat friend.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and throws down all your paper!)

RING 2
starring Nakatani Miki, Matsushima Nanako, directed by Nakata Hideo, Unrated, 2002
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


While I love the first Ring film ( haven't seen the American version yet, but I'm speaking of the original Japanese version I reviewed back in issue 28), this sequel left a little more to be desired. Instead of a predictable "she's back" kind of story, this film follows the girlfriend of Takayama from the first film as she does her own investigation into his death and tries to track down Asakawa and her son who have since disapeared. Along the way she meets up with all the minor characters from the first film...fleshing out their parts...although not really adding much to the story. What the film does is basically give you more backstory on Sadako and how she has found other ways to reach into our world. Again, because the American version of the first film is almost out, I don't want to give away too much, but if you seek out this film, make sure you drink a LOT of coffee because a snail will crawl across your room before this film is over. There are some nice creepy scenes, but it takes a while for them to get going and you just don't care about the people in this film as much.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and eats Lucky Charms.)

SPIRITED AWAY (aka Sen To Chihiro No Kamikakushi)
directed by Hayao Miyazaki, PG, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


This latest film by Miyazaki (My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki's Delivery Service) definitely ranks with his best (but it's really hard to beat My Neighbor Totoro). Like many of his films, Spirited Away deals with yet another little girl that is just so charming that even the worst characters can't help but liking her. In this film the little girl in question is named Chihiro and she finds herself stranded on an island inhabited by ghosts, spirits, and monsters after her parents are turned into pigs. With the help of a boy (who turns into a dragon every now and then), she gets a job in the island's bath-house for Spirits where she tackles all the jobs noboy wants...all in order to find a way to save her parents and get off the island. Along the way she meets her new boss (a witch with a huge head), an oversized baby, a creepy old man with arms like a spider, and a well-meaning spirit called "No Face" who becomed so affected by Chihiro's kindness that he becomes obsessed with her, turning into a huge monster. The artwork, design, and animation are great and beat any of Disney's recent pathetic efforts. While some of the themes in this film have been visited before in other Miyazaki films, you'll still find yourself just as charmed by Chihiro as any other character in the movie. See this one with your special somebody or your little brother or sister.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and eats Lucky Charms.)

TOURIST TRAP
starring Tanya Roberts, Chuck Conners, directed by David Schmoeller, Rated R, 1979
DVD Reviewed By: David 1X


I have confession to make: I have always been a little afraid of mannequins. The reason is that when I was a kid my parents forced me to watch a movie called Tourist Trap, which is now out on DVD.

No, this isn't the movie about that retard who falls in love with a department store mannequin who turns into a human girl after-hours. You're thinking of the 1987 classic "Mannequin," featuring a hard rockin' soundtrack / death knoll by acid burnouts Jefferson Starship, aka Starship. In Tourist Trap, four young, nubile actors (Jocelyn Jones as doomed Molly, Jon Van Ness as doomed Jerry, Robin Sherwood as doomed Eileen and sex kitten Tanya Roberts as Becky) on a "wild" road trip accidentally stumble into a roadside wax museum created by lovable redneck Slauson (Chuck Connors) and his brother Davey (Shailar Coby), a grunting, limping, deranged doll maker who just happens to have psycho-kinetic powers ala Carrie.

The hapless pretty people soon find themselves being harassed by hordes of dramatically backlit, screaming, moaning, singing mannequin heads, as Davey hunts them down one by one to turn them into plaster playmates for his bizarre collection. Despite the tired-sounding plot, TT is far more intense then the typical run around squealing in terror with your tits hanging out until a stuntman in a rubber suit slices you open and your guts fall out like candy from a piÒata-type horror movie. Fresh from Charlie's Angels (the 70's TV series, not the numbnuts movie, for all you young'uns), Tanya Roberts (Becky) is all that and a bag of chips as she prances around in short shorts, eyes all bugging out of her head and lips twisted in a rictus of sheer ass-clamping terror.

But it is the late Chuck Conners (1922-1992) who really fills the screen with acting greatness. He's plays the same overall-wearing character he did in Old Yeller, only instead of being all nice to dogs and children, he is fake and insincere and mocks Davey's victims with big gales of sadistic, yet hearty booming laughter as the body count grows and grows.

Light on bloodmist but heavy on psychological terror, TT relies on shock value and the freaky atmospherics produced by spooky sets chock full of naked, mindlessly grinning mannequins to crank up the tension till your heart feels like it's going to explode right in your chest, forcing your bereaved family to pay all the late charges for the rental.

(editor's note: it should also be noted that although the box for this DVD says "widescreen," the film within is presented only in glorious fullscreen! Bastards!)

(David 1X is a contributing writer to No-Fi "Magazine"
and is looking forward to playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.)

VORTEX (aka UZUMAKI)
starring Eriko Hatsune, Fhi Fan, directed by Higuchinsky, Rated R, 2000
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


You know those hundreds and hundreds of horror films dealing with a town becoming so obsessed with swirly patterns that they go crazy and lots of death ensues? Well this is one of THOSE films...wait...er...this it THAT film, I mean. Vortex starts with a young student awaking from a nightmare only to find herself surrounded by another nightmare. The first strange thing she sees is her best friend's dad videotaping a snail and then later on she sees him trying to convince her own dad how great the design of vortexes are. Things go from bizarre to crazy-weird when she finds his remains after his attempt to turn his own body into a swirly pattern. It doesn't stop there though as the whole town soon finds themselves obsessing on vortexes with one girl's hair becoming a Tim Burtonesque nightmare of curls and swirls rising several feet above her own head and another student slowly turning into a human snail complete with shell and slime. There is talk about the town being cursed and the only time we would possibly have any idea what is going on (during a montage of old newspaper clipping), there is no english translation leaving us in the U.S. completely in the dark. Part of me thinks that perhaps there really was no explanation in the first place which is fine because I liked this film anyway. Its style is very much a cross of David Lynch and Tim Burton if they came together to colaborate on a Japanese film (My only complaint about this film is that it is a little slow). Get this one before you visit a park late at night and slide down one of those curly slides. Just don't expect to know what is going on...just watch and enjoy.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and is obsessed by cubes himself.)
reviews from September 2002

THE CAT O' NINE TAILS
starring Karl Malden, James Franciscus, directed by Dario Argento, Rated GP, 1971
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond


I love almost all of Dario Argento's films (and plan to review some of them in the coming months), but for some reason I couldn't get into this one. Sure, there are some neat killing scenes, but there is SOOOOOOO much talk in this one that I had a hard time just trying to stay awake. "Is there a killer out there?" "Yes there is a killer out there." "Are you the killer?" "No." "Are you?" "Nope." "Where is the killer?" "I don't know. Do YOU know where the killer is?" "Nope. Let's discuss this for another 90 minutes or so." Those aren't direct quotes, but they may as well be. Anyway, it's not a bad film at all, but only get this one if you have tons of caffeine nearby. Or better yet, take a note from another Dario Argento film "Opera" and tape needles under your eyelids to force them open. Oh, and don't expect to see a cat with nine tails and a sharp jagged spine like on the poster art. This is a cat of nine tails in the figurative sense. Oh and (like many of Dario's films) this film was filmed in English, but is also dubbed in English. You go figure that out. I guess nobody wanted Americans to hear any trace of any Italian accents that we would have heard were it not dubbed. The DVD has a documentary on the film and lots of trippy psychedelic trailers for you to enjoy too after you wake up.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and has two cats with a tail a' piece.)