NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
ALL YOUR MOVIES ARE BELONG TO US!
EXTREME OPS
starring Buncha' Nobodies, directed by Nobody, Rated PG-13, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
This film is about a bunch of jackasses who said, "hey! People are idiots right? What do the young people like these days? Extreme sports? Snowbarding? Well, we'd better throw in some skiing so the kids' parents will have something to watch... Guns? GENIUS!!!" From there the film fast forwards to today when the film is released and the world yawns. From there the film melts faster than an iceburg during the Bush presidency into a nearby gutter where it collects dirt, muck, and dirty needles and rests there until shortly in the future, the jackasses rush it out into the DVD market with a different design for the cover ("Hey! How about closeups of the actors faces looking all serious. Maybe we can even change the name so people think it's a different movie! What smart people we are!"). The film is soon forgotten by the production crew, the studio, the actors, and by the people who never saw the film in the first place. Meanwhile, a baby starves in Mexico. EXTREME, DUDE!
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and likes skateboarding and that's it!)
HARRY POTTER & THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, directed by Chris Columbus, Rated PG, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Roger Boxx
Last year my roommate invited me to a free preview screening of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone up at the Universal City Walk. I felt good going into it, because there was a huge line of shivering plebes waiting to see the midnight show while I was handed a free poster, $20 in concession cash and escorted to a half empty theater to enjoy the show. The movie was mediocre at best. Most of the special effects were bad enough to be bad, but not awful enough to be funny. I enjoyed the free nachos and drink, and I enjoyed watching how much my roommate loved the film: entertainment by proxy. This year, I took my six year old cousin to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I am fairly sure he hasn't read the books, but advertising and peer pressure persuaded him that it was necessary to see this film on the big screen and I obliged, remembering how helpless we are at six years old. I am happy to report that this second film far surpassed my lack of expectation. It was a fun and entertaining film. It was much darker than its predecessor and the special effects were as good as they come these days. It was extremely long, I think many of the scenes kept going and going, but I am forced to assume this was to remain truer to the novel. . I have never read the books (nor do I intend to). So, I am not judging the films against the published works. It was a fun film, worth renting or even seeing in the theater if you have already seen Punch-Drunk Love.
(Roger Boxx is a contributing writer of No-Fi "Magazine" and screamed,
"I Love You Harry Potter!" in the theatre he was in.)
KNIGHT CHILLS
starring Tim Jeffrey, Laura Alexander, directed by Katherine Hicks, Unrated, 2001
DVD Reviewed By: Quin
The slogan for this movie is "Roleplaying with a Vengeance" and if that doesn't get you to want to see this movie then I don't know what will. It's not bad, but it's not good. The "story" involves a group of kids who play this Dungeons and Dragons type role playing game and man are they into it. This one particularly dorky guy, who looks like Lou Barlow from Sebadoh likes this girl...no, he's obsessed with this girl...and he kills himself by crashing into a tree and kissing a ring and muttering a strange chant...(are you still reading?) The car blows up and he dies. Then all of the other role players start to die strange deaths. Of course we see that it's all being done by a 10 foot tall black knight who only gives the flesh wounds.
There isn't much mystery in this and the acting and dialogue are gawd awful, but I found myself sitting through the entire thing and even watching all of the extras on this DVD. There is a truly creepy little kid in this with a very strange speech impediment. And the look of the film is very Blair Witch. While the film itself is rather inept and highly unoriginal, you have to appreciate the work that went into getting it made, just some ambitious people from Michigan that had some money to burn. I also have to give major props to Vision Factory. From what I have been told, they look for independent horror film makers to release and distribute their films. This is very cool. If they keep looking and keep putting out low budget student films then they are bound to stumble upon a horror classic.
(Quin is No-Fi "Radio"'s program director and is single, ladies!)
PUMPKIN
starring Christina Ricci, Hank Harris, directed by Adam Larson Broder & Anthony Abrams, Rated R, 2002
DVD/Video Reviewed By: Mike Walton
Finally a love story that is brave enough to address the issues of mixed relationships: "Pumpkin" delivers. Perky, perfect Carolyn (Christina Ricci) and her Alpha Omega Pi sisters plan to win Sorority of the Year by impressing the Greek Council with a killer charity: coaching mentally challenged athletes. Carolyn begins an unconventional relationship with her challenged athlete, Pumpkin (Hank Harris), which turns her world upside down. The closer she grows to Pumpkin, the more her eyes are opened to see beyond her shallow, sheltered life. It made me laugh and it entertained. The quirky melodrama is way off center and even though it is full of physically challenged characters, the film never derives its laughs at their expense. Most of the humor and social commentary comes from Carolyn's charactiture sorority sisters and Pasadena family.
(Mike Walton is a contributing writer of No-Fi "Magazine" and eats pumpkin pie.)
PUPHEDZ: "THE TATTLE-TALE HEART"
starring Woodrow J. Larchbottom III, Douglas "Chip" Fir, directed by J¸rgen Heimann, Unrated, 2002
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
From one of the creators of the effects for The Ring (U.S. Remake) comes this short film starring some short statured actors who give some of the most wooden performances I've ever seen (Rimshot! Wah-tah-tah!). The premise behind this series is that the Puphedz are a theatre group of puppets who are pulled around in a creeky cart by a large man in need of a toothbrush who stop every now and then to put on a show. In this DVD, they perform Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" where a man commits a murder only to be foiled by his own paranoid mind. In this DVD we are treated to two different versions of the film (one being 27 minutes, the other being 34 minutes long). The main difference between the two versions is the wrap around narration where the main character tells his tale from behind bars after the deed is done. I personally found these parts charming. You really need to see this independent production to appreciate it. The wooden puppet and set design are really cool. I especially like the design of the asylum where our "looney" anti-hero resides. The jokes, even the purposely cheesey ones are funny; like the narrator always having to explain the platonic relationship between he and the old man. My only complaint about this DVD is that I wish it were longer or an "anthology" style full length film, but I think that if the price is right, this will be a great series that I hope will carry on as long a they have the time and money to produce them. Also included on this DVD are a behind the scenes short, trailers, and humorous cast-bios on the Puphedz themselves. Get this film as a pre-show to whatever other DVD you plan to watch that evening.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and hates the song "I'm Your Puppet.")
VERSUS
starring Tak Sakaguchi, Hideo Sakaki, directed by Ryuhei Kitamura
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
What a crazy movie! It starts out with a sword battle between a samuri and some sword wielding zombies, after a short battle with a mysterious man with a staff, the film flash-forwards to today where two men have just escaped from a prison transfer. They meet in "the forest of resurection" with some men who have a kidnapped girl with them. Being that one of escapees calls himself a feminist, he shoots the man holding her captive and all hell breaks loose. What it all boils down to is our feminist hero must defend himself against the men who now want him dead and against zombies who were men formerly buried in the forest by the same men he's now fighting. Confused yet? Well, how about the fact that these zombies can't be killed by simply shooting them in the head...and they shoot guns and jump around faster than anyone you've seen in The Matrix or 'Crouching Tiger.' I can certainly recommend this film, but you should know that there are a lot of gun battles and a LOT of blood and heavy gore. Therefore you MUST see this film now! (If you're into that kind of thing, I'd suppose.)
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and once had an iron sword...it's true!)
This film is about a bunch of jackasses who said, "hey! People are idiots right? What do the young people like these days? Extreme sports? Snowbarding? Well, we'd better throw in some skiing so the kids' parents will have something to watch... Guns? GENIUS!!!" From there the film fast forwards to today when the film is released and the world yawns. From there the film melts faster than an iceburg during the Bush presidency into a nearby gutter where it collects dirt, muck, and dirty needles and rests there until shortly in the future, the jackasses rush it out into the DVD market with a different design for the cover ("Hey! How about closeups of the actors faces looking all serious. Maybe we can even change the name so people think it's a different movie! What smart people we are!"). The film is soon forgotten by the production crew, the studio, the actors, and by the people who never saw the film in the first place. Meanwhile, a baby starves in Mexico. EXTREME, DUDE!
