NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
FILMS STUCK AT THE PEARLY GATES!
BLAZE STARR GOES NUDIST
starring Blaze Starr, Russ Martine, directed by Doris Wishman, Unrated, 1960
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
Blaze Starr was one of the most famous burlesque dancers of the 50s and 60s and even had a film made about her life starring Paul Newman (called Blaze of course). Anyway this film was made by nudie film master (er...mistress?) Doris Wishman and as usual for these films, it features a nudist camp where the campers seem to have a heck of a time getting nude since their delecates are always covered by crossed legs or even bright red shorts. The story is actually alright with 
Blaze playing herself with a domineering agent who keeps pushing her to not go out in public or do anything that doesn't involve her getting paid. Against his wishes she goes to the movies and sees a film on the latest "nudism trend." Inspired, she checks into her local nudist camp under her real name and loves the new (nude) freedom the camp lifestyle gives her...which from all I can see is volleyball or frolicing at the lake. Not much else, but, hey, if you're naked, I guess anything can be fun. So Blaze finds her falling for the kind camp director, but what will she do when her agent finds out what she's been up to? Anyway this film was actually pretty good apart from the fact that the entire film was dubbed as I imagine that Doris couldn't afford an audio track for the film while shooting. It's not so annoying that you'd want to turn it off though. On this new DVD released by Something Weird Video, you get a couple classic striptease shorts (one featurung Blaze herself), a cool gallery of Doris Wishman film posters, and the original trailer for the film. Not the normal 2 to 3 and a half hour extras that most of the DVDs have, but it is certainly worth a rental or to buy if you can find a cheap copy.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and actually has been to a nude beach!)
DEEP AFRICA
starring E.T., Sex Dolls, directed by Steve Hall & Cathee Wilkins, Rated XXX (?), 1998
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
God created the world in 7 days. People believe that on the 7th day he rested, but I believe that he took that time to create this film. First off, it's great to see E.T. working again. Sure it's porn, but work is work and let's face it, not too many film companies are going to hire a squat long necked alien with a heart condition and a creepy glowing finger. Anyway, this film is just about as good as any real porno starring real people (since the best thing about porno if you ask me is the bad acting and even worse dialogue). The actors in this flm are actually real sex dolls and, believe me, they come off (no pun intended) more lifelike than many of the real actors in real porn flicks. What plot there is involves two drug snorting roommates who order a slave from a hunter in Deep Africa and what they end up with is E.T. who they force to do all their housework while they get it on with anyone who's "up" to the task (haw haw haw!). Anyway, all this sex-x-x all around him, E.T. naturally gets horned up (but trust me, nothing in this film is natural), but will the ladies let him in on the action? Track down this video if you can...if anything just to see the sex-doll lookalike of Burt Reynolds!
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and did not cry for E.T. in THIS film!)
THE GOD OF COOKERY
starring Steven Chow, Liz Kong, directed by Steven Chow/Lik-Chee Lee, Unrated, 1996
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
Obviously inspired by the hit Japanese show, but if Iron Chef were made into a movie, I'm not sure it could live up to what this movie was able to do in it's 90 or so minutes. This film stars Steven Chow as a cooking superstar who is so self obsessed and cruel to others around him that he doesn't see that the people that he thought were working for him were plotting against him all along. Soon he finds himself outed as a fraud, humiliated in public, and forced to beg for money on the streets. After being beaten up for begging, he is taken pity upon by a woman with very very bad teeth and a large scar on her face who runs a noodle stand. He finds himself in the 
middle of a local conflict between her and a man who sells "pissing shrimp" and somehow finds a way to make them work together and in doing so, make his way up to the top again. This may be one of the WACKIEST films I have ever seen and it's worth a DVD purchase if you can find it or several rentals to share with your friends. The "shaolin cooking style" is something you would never expect filmmakers to put together (just wait until you read my Shaolin Soccer review next month) and it's just great. Every minute is entertaining and the best part is the food judge's bizarre orgasmic reaction to the food at the Good Of Cookery battle at the end of the film. Get this for a special movie/dinner party and make sure you leave room for seconds.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and loves Chinese food!)
H.O.T.S.
starring Susan Kiger, Danny Bonaduce, directed by Gerald Sindell, Rated R, 1979
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
Jesus Christ! Don't waste your time reading this review and run to your favorite DVD store and BUY this film now! Years before the hidden cameras in Revenge Of The Nerds and years before Donny Most ("Happy Days") costarred in the film Stewardess School, this film was made starring a bunch of Playboy Playmates from the 70s and as a small role as the goofy annoying friend is red headed Partridge Family bass player Danny Bonaduce. Where could I even start with this film? Well, the best way to describe this film is that it seems to be coming from the "other side" of Revenge Of The Nerds...in that the people who are suppossed to be the "good guys" in this film are actually really mean. It all starts when an oddly faced girl named Honey overhears some girls from the PI sorority speaking of her rudely. She vows to start her own sorority-like house where the main 
goal is not good grades and higher education, but to steal the boyfriends away from the girls of PI. This film does not waste a reel as every second from that point on is filled with some kind of wacky scheme or hilarious hijinks which include two con artists trying to steal hidden loot in the H.O.T.S. house, a bear that loves the moonshine being produced in their attic, topless skydiving, topless football, a disco dance-off (which includes a totally funny dance by one of the ladies that I like to call the "Thumbs Up Dance"), hot air ballooning, and so much more that this films ends up feeling like The Lord Of The Rings of cheesey sex comedies. We just watched this one in a group the other night and it was enjoyed by guys and gals alike (Holly picked this one in fact). It's just a fun dumb movie and although the only extra on this DVD is the original trailer, it's still worth the money I paid for it. Get this one for wacky party fun.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and knows what "H.O.T.S." stands for!)
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS
starring Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, directed by Peter Jackson, Rated PG-13, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
Most of you have seen this film so I'm going to keep it short. I liked this movie a lot, but I thought it suffered from a lot of shots of things that didn't need to be in the final cut. I appreciated that they were trying to let us, the audience, know that these knights were defending all the women and children in Helm's Deep, but there were just WAY too many loving shots of the women and children crying and just being scared in general...the same can be said of the traveling quest shots towards the beginning. That said, this film marks a major achievement in humans acting along with CGI characters in a movie because Gollum comes off as a very real "person" (albeit one with two very different personalities) and looks very "natural" (in his scary unnatural way) onscreen. As for the story,...it branches of from the last film with three different stories. The first being Frodo and Samwise on their way to Mount Doom to destroy the ring and they join up 
with Gollum along the way, the second story involves Stryder, Legolas, & Ghimli (sic?) chasing down the orcs who stole their Halfling friends, and the third story follows the two kidnapped halflings as they find themselves in their own adventure. Anyway, I don't want to give away too much, but the film ends in two great battles with more of the special effects that you've already come to expect from the first film. In fact the film had so many battles that they had to cut one involving Frodo & Samwise that will be in the begining of next film "Return Of The King." If you're really into making out in the back of the theatre, this film lasts almost 3 hours so you might want to bring protection for this one.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and played D&D only ONCE in Junior High (or ever).)
MAC AND ME
starring Jade Calegory, Beelzebub, directed by Stewart Raffill, Rated G, 1988
Movie Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
"McDonald's Huh?" "Why Don't you stop by for a Big Mac!" "You know what I feel like?" "A Big Mac?" "You read my mind!" This film was the biggest rip off of all time due to two things...the blatant rip off of E.T. (only instead of Reese's Pieces, the alien in this film likes to drink Coca-Cola out of McDonalds coffee cups) and the fact that the film is the biggest most expensive commercial for McDonalds ever. McDonalds over here! McDonalds over there! And the funny thing is is that I know somebody who almost got the lead in this film! Thank god he didn't because people would be smacking him left and right demanding their 90 minutes of life wasted watching this film back. So somehow the McDonalds corporation was able to wring a story out of this "product demo" of a film. A boy who lives his life in a wheelchair is feeling sorry for himself when he meets a cute lil alien whose whistling naked alien family crash landed on Earth. By the way, how how cute can an alien be when it has an arsehole for a mouth? How?!? Anyway everyone, including his blonde single mom, older brother, and young scampy neighbor girl believe that our wheeled hero is slipping into madness when he rolls off a cliff into a lake below (for some reason the alien decides that the boy must live and saves him at the last second). Well after a wacky vacuming incident the alien is revealed to said girl and brother and for some reason they decide not to kill it. Did I mention that the government is looking for this ugly little thing? Well, it's time to go to McDonalds. WOW! What a cool place! Breakdancers in the parking lot. Ronald McDonald doing cool magic tricks inside. Yummy beef fried french fries. Pretty soon everyone inside starts dancing like crazy maniacs...EVEN THE WHOLE FOOTBALL TEAM!!! It's so great to see all those fresh young faces glowing with the warmth of McDonalds processed beef digesting in their tummies while they dance like they don't have a care in the world about all the rainforests that McDonalds cleared for grazing land in South America. It makes you understand why that poor man was forced to shoot everyone in a Micky-D's (McDonalds' "urban advertising" nickname for itself) around the same time this film came out. So all this dancing upsets the G-Men and they start chasing the kid and his damn alien through the suburbs in a scene that reminds us all how great the bike chase scene in E.T. was. Did I mention that the spunky neighbor girl's older sister works at McDonalds? It's hard to tell since she only wears her McDonalds uniform throughout the entire film and even eats aMcDonalds ice cream while running from the Feds. But what will they feed "Mac" without any fresh Coca Cola?!? Why Skittles of course! He loves them! Well, I think he loves them. He has the same dopey expression on his latex face the entire film. Anyway, a bunch of boring stuff happens and eventually "Mac" and his family are reunited (after they are revived with the healing powers of that miracle sludge Coca-Cola!) and eventually become the first Outer Space aliens to become citizens of the United States. Did I mention that the aliens are also retarded? Anyway to sum up my review...I hope everyone involved with this film was shot in the back of the head execution style. Drink Coke!
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and had a bad experience in a McDonalds bathroom.)
Monster A-Go Go!/Psyched By The 4D Witch
starring Phil Morton / Margo, directed by Bill Rebane / Victor Luminera, Unrated/R, 1965/1972
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
In the first of the two main features on this new DVD by our old pals at Something Weird Video, the "Monster A-Go Go" in question is a 10 foot tall giant who is either in bad need of skin cream, or is wearing way too much. I guess the giant in thefilm was really that tall in real life. Anyway, in the film he came to be this way because "something weird" happed to an astronaut while in space. He tries to make the best of things by trying to make new friends and crashing teen twist parties, and giving out lots of hugs (around the neck, but when you're that tall, you'd hug the closest thing you could, right?). I can't even begin to describe the ending...which brings me to the next bizarre film on this DVD..."Psyched By The 4D Witch." If drugs were legalized and every director took them, I'd 
imagine every film made would come out like this. I don't even know HOW to describe this film. Um,...a half naked girl in a bad blonde wig is contacted by her inner witch guide who tries to get her to explore every sexual fantasy and taboo possible. Meanwhile (by "meanwhile" I mean what seems like hours later) her brother, whom the spirit guide was trying to get her to seduce, becomes the "king of sex vampires" which consists of him wearing a ridiculously large set of false sharp teeth. Somehow the movie finds its way to the end when I imagine the film walked away in a half daze to the nearest bed, missing it by a few feet, passing out on the floor, walking up a couple days later covered in vomit. The extras are what make Something Weird's DVDs stand out from the crowd (if the extra strange selection of films isn't enough). There are tons of crazy trailers for other films, a homemade super 8 horror movie, a couple short subjects, and more! Get this one for a night of experimentation, but make sure that someone else is there to talk you down after seeing these flicks.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and wonders what the 4th dimension is!)
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and actually has been to a nude beach!)
PLEASE DON'T EAT MY MOTHER!
starring Buck Kartalian, Rene Bond, directed by Carl Monson, Unrated, 1972
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
If Little Shop Of Horrors was a low budget porn film with faked sex scenes (no penetration) and an even faker plant, you would probably have this film. Definitely under the incredibly strange film category, this film is about a nerdy man in his 40s (probably 50s) living with his overbearing mom who finds a talking plant at a flower shop. After bringing it home, it grows to huge paper mache proportions (seriously, this thing is faker than fake...you even see the door where the mouth puppeteer got in right in front!). The plant has a taste for meat and the nerdy Henry is more than willing to feed it anything as he can't resist the plant's "sexy" voice. Since peeping on couples making out is his hobby, he decides that the best way to feed his plant is to kidnap these people and feed them to his plant. Not a bad film and the dialogue is funny, but I wish it were a little funnier and there is a feeling of having to fast forward the sex scenes, just like a real porno, even though there isn't any real sex. The commentary with producer Harry Novak is really good, but pretty weird too. The interviewer will describe something or somebody and then Harry'll repeat the whole thing as if he never heard the guy say anything. The dvd (which is a great transfer by the way, with bright colors and sharp picture) comes with the usual "Something Weird" extras like a bunch of far-out trailers, a couple shorts, a gallery of poster art & more! Get this for a sad friend.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and can sing any song from Little Shop Of Horrrors.)
SKATEBOARD: THE MOVIE THAT DEFIES GRAVITY
starring Tony Alva / Allen Garfield / Leif Garrett, directed by George Gage, PG, 1978
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
I was at Mondo Video today and was in a fickle movie mood...before I left in a movieless huff, I found a couple "skate themed films and they were both sooooo odd that a review of each could not be denied. This particular film, "Skateboard: The Movie", is a wacky inside look into the zany world of 70s professional skateboard teams. Screw "Dogtown & Z-Boys"...I choose to believe that THIS film is the true insiders guide to what it was 
like to skateboard in the 70s. For example I was always pretty sure that not only did the mob back skateboard crews financially, but that they bet 40 thousand dollars on downhill skateboard races too. The film begins with the hair-challenged Manny, who owes money to a local mobster, figuring out that the best way to pay off his debt would be to organize a skate team that he dubs the "L.A. Wheels." This must have seemed like a good idea because skate god and "Z-Boy" Tony Alva joins the team along with a bunch of other skampy kids who seem to love the abuse that Manny dishes out when not borrowing a buck or two from them in between skate competitions. Basically this is an attempt at making a "Bad News Bears" for the skating crowd. The kids drink beer, have sex, do handstands, laugh, get picked up by the police...all that crazy stuff. Pretty good film if your expectations are low enough. There is plenty to laugh at, but a pretty nice look at 70s style skating too. Weird that this was supposed to be a kids movie, though with all the sex, booze, and drugs. Also, good luck on finding this video sinc it's long out of print, but perhaps with "Dogtown" doing so well, somebody will release it on DVD (please?).
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and threw a hamburger patty at a brand new volkswagon bug because of a skateboarding accident a few years ago!)
SKATETOWN U.S.A.
starring Scott Baio / Maureen McCormick / Billy Barty, directed by William A. Levey, PG, 1979
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
On the other end of the skating coin is this movie's black hole of a film soul. This film begins with who I'm guessing is the god of rollerskating who appears out of thin air and in his divine godlike wisdom raises up his hand and creates men and women to skate endless circles in his holy skatepark. Guess he was too busy to end world hunger or smite that fatso 
Christina Aguilera. Nope. Instead he made mindless rollerskaters and decided that his best fashion choice would to wear a white afro wig. So this film is suppossed to be all about that crazy roller disco fad and what better way to exploit a fad than to cast skating legends Billy Barty, Flip Wilson, Ruth Buzzi, Vic Dunlop, Joe E. Ross, and Patrick Swayze...oh, wait a minute...that sounds like a terrible casting idea! I had no idea what the hell was going on during this whole film. It's like going to a party where you recognize everyone, but you don't know anybody. I figure that they must have promised everyone a mountain of cocaine to get them to star in this film. I guess it is entertaining in a train wreck/all star porno kinda way, but see this with a crowd (again, only if you can find this long out of print movie) and discuss afterwards.
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and had
black and red rollerskates when he was a lil kid.!)
STAR TREK: NEMESIS
starring Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, directed by Stuart Baird, Rated PG, 2002
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
So I'm going to like this film going in, because I'm a Star Trek fan...not a "Trekker" or "Trekkie" really, but I like the shows and movies. So, YES, I liked it as it conveyed the feeling of an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but it wasn't without its problems. First off, the producers of the film have said openly that they were trying to make a film in the spirit of Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn and they do so to the point of pretty much ripping themselves off. Remember how it was about someone from Kirk's past who came back to take revenge? Remember that space cloud where the big space battle took place? It's here in its own way. Remember the themes of getting old and and, hey, remember when Spock said "Remember"? Even THOSE are here in their own ways. Patrick Stewart's acting is top notch as usual (even he was able to shine in "Generations" the 2nd worst of the series). This film also marks how the film series has totally abandoned the whole Data gets emotions storyline from a few films ago. A lot of the plotlines are predictable...to the point that it feel like they are reading it to us as if we were kids in the "special" class. Still, it was pretty good if you think of it as a spcial fancy episode of the Next Generation series. I really wish that they would have brought back a bad guy from that TV series though instead of some alien race we've never heard of before. Oh, and that scene with the four wheeler? Well, there is just no excuse for that, is there?
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and hopes to live long and prosper!)
