NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
"Having Your Cake and Eating it Too"
Making out with Roger Boxx.

For some reason in Americana, making-out has become forever intertwined with baseball, a sport only slightly less lackluster than golf. That being said, the way I understand it. A handshake or a wave is the equivalent of a solid strike out. A kiss on the cheek or the obligatory hug equates to a caught hit, or being thrown out at first. Kissing with tongue means you have arrived at first base. So swapping saliva is comparable to four balls and a walk (your partner is a little tipsy), or a mediocre hit (you bought your partner dinner and you are not too unattractive). Beyond first base there are some varying opinions as to the progress equivalencies. The hetero and lesbian double, or arriving at second base, is touching breasts. If you get under the bra that is the earned double, on-top of the bra or alternate articles of clothing would be arriving at second only after stopping at first for a play. Due to a lack of research, I can only speculate that gay-second base also involves nipples and pectorals. Anything involving mouths and nipples falls into the second base area. If you find yourself on third base, it means that you working below the waist. Oral activity below the waist is a triple. If activities below the waist are limited to digits, that equates to arrival at third only after stopping at second for a play. The homerun is full genital penetration, or a score. And of course the hetero grand-slam home-run is up the butt.

I find that the baseball analogy has a load of flaws and inconsistencies. There are so many activities that aren't addressed or considered. I propose that we adopt a new make-out analogy. Maybe baking a cake? To help everyone out in adopting this new analogy, I have included an easy reference card, just print it out and stick it in your wallet. At the end of your evening, you will be confident in discussing your level of intimate success with your chums using the latest make-out analogy:
Flour In The Bowl = Touching Where The Bathing Suit Covers
Sugar In The Bowl = Kissing With Tongue
Butter In The Bowl = Cupped Breast
Eggs In The Bowl = Balls Cupped
Other Misc. Dry Ingredients In The Bowl = Clothed Humping
Ingredients Mixed Well = Tea Bagging
Greased Pans = Hand-Job
Batter In Pans = Oral Exchange
Heated Oven = "Filthy Sanchez" / "The Hobo"
Pans In The Oven = Snowballing
Caked Baked = Rim Job
Frosting Prepared = "Tossing The Salad"
Cake Frosted = "Golden Shower"
Cake Eaten = Penetration
Cake Eaten With Milk = Scatological Fun-Time

Of course this is just a starting point; the analogy can use some elaboration and improvement. Once it is introduced to the world, it will grow and evolve. Luckily, the starting point remains consistent with both analogies: "Batter Up!"

(Roger Boxx is a contributing writer for No-Fi "Magazine" and knows his sex terms!)



Slip one to Roger Boxx here!