Hello, and welcome to the first installment of a new feature here at No-Fi magazine. As a service to our devoted readers, and in an effort to increase property values in this little corner of the internet, and in complete, uncoerced cooperation with state and federal authorities, we present to you "Jeff Roe's World of Whimsical Wonder". Feel free to mail Jeff with your questions concerning love, sex, dating, and where to get ignition timers for a '57 Buick Skylark at bargain prices.
Unfortunately, taking into consideration the sort of readers we have, special precautions have to be taken with our mail, and since there has been a slight delay with U.S. customs concerning the special dogs from Gemany, we are unwilling to open our mail ourselves. So in the spirit of cooperation and brotherhood with others in the publishing community, and to keep in accordance with the plea-bargain, we are taking the opportunity to answer questions posed in our sister publications. They could perhaps use a different point of view. So let us correct this oversight, shall we?
• From the April 2003 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine:
I've been in a couple of serious relationships, but even if I'm in love with my girfriend, I always end up cheating. I really want to get married and have a family one day, but I'm afraid I won't be able to stay faithful. Will the cheating stop when I meet the right woman?
First off, shame on you for being a man who writes in to "Cosmo". Word of advice: don't be that guy. Now on to the problem at hand. You think you can change when you meet the woman you'll take home to momma? No way. You obviously like the forbidden poon-tang a little too much. I personally enjoy having some forbidden fruit on my plate, but I'm smart enough not to get caught or feel guilty. You have these character defects so you are doomed to misery, unless you set on a course of self-improvement. For starters, we all like a little adultery in our marriages, so there's nothing to feel guilty about. And if she has problem with you sleeping around, contracting God-knows-what, just remember: it's her problem, so let her deal with it. Unfortunately, there are some feminists out there seem to have a problem with it, whining about betrayal this and broken bonds that. So never, ever get married. Why? Your future bride might be one of these "feminists", and you can't take that risk. I mean, what's more important, your relations with others or your financial well-being? The choice is obvious. But if the foolish need for human companionship gets the better of you, and you think you will cheat (which you will), one word: swingers.
• From the February 2003 issue of Longboard Magazine:
Now that I am proficient at turning my 10' clonic, volan-glassed longboard, and even occasionally pull a cheater 5, I am frustrated by my lack of ability woth noseriding. I wonder if it is the board or me? I'm starting to think I need a wider nose with concave to noseride better. Am I on the right track? I am six foot, 200 lbs.
It's you. You are a complete failure; as a surfer, a man, and a human being. You are right to be obsessing over this, since the ability to noseride is the measure of any man. If you can't noseride like the rest of us, than you do not deserve to live. But if you are still interested in prolonging your pitiful existence, then I would work on my technique with a 9'6" X 18" X 23" X 14.75" X 3.25" board with soft rails and flat roches.
• And finally, from the May 2003 issue of Guitar One:
One of my favorite guitarsts is Jeff Watson from Night Ranger, mostly because of his insane eight-finger tapping technique. Could you show me a couple of his licks and tricks so that I can maximize my digital potential?
I can state , without hyperbole, that this has got to be the single saddest thing I have ever heard. Night Ranger? And I thought the guy who couldn't noseride was pathetic. Night Ranger. I'm sorry; I apologize. I got a little carried away. Now, if you want to improve your guitar technique, the trick to finger tapping is all in the timing... Night Ranger?! Fucking Night Ranger?! Favorite guitarist?! Good God man, what are you thinking?! Wait. Do you store car parts on your lawn? Does your house have wheels attached? Do you find your cousins attractive? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, than that might explain things, but it does not excuse your horrible, horrible taste in music. Here's my advice: go find a rabid dog and have it chew your fingers off, so you can never again subject the rest of humanity to your surely terrible guitar screeching. As a replacement hobby, I suggest taking up surfing.
Jeff will be back each issue to answer your questions and help you through your personal problems. So WRITE HIM and ask away! Do you have problems with the opposite sex? The same sex? Your own sex? Lack of sex? Too much? Roommate troubles? Health concerns? Ask Mr. Roe and if he doesn't know the answer, he'll at least make something up that sounds halfway good (or not).
