The Hunt For Rogue Democrats!
by Chris Beyond
I'm watching the film Hamburger Hill right now and I am reminded of the situation going down in the south where a rogue faction of underground renagades are spreading out like a virus and may even be in your state, your town, or even next door to you watching you (or your half naked sister) through the scope of their sniper rifle. I am, of course, talking about the Texas Democrats who were facing being forced to take part in a vote that would change the face of 
the government; shifting power to the Republicans in Congress.
The Republicans drew up a plan that would change the face of the districts in Texas (which in effect would remove 5 congressional seats from the Democratic districts giving Congress over to the Republicans). In order for this to take effect, they need at least 100 of the Democrats present for a vote (and since the Republicans control the State House, it'll be a landslide). So the state Democrats literally fled the state (many crossed over into the mysterious void known as "Oklahoma" where we can only guess they are singing musicals and collecting horny toads).
You may think this is a joke, but it is 100% true that Texas Republicans actually had cards made (like those playing cards given out in Iraq with all of Iraq's most wanted) featuring images of the state's missing Democrats. Haw Haw Haw Haw! Gorsh, Pa, thems Republicans is sho' clever! You know they could have done something really dumb like feed a family for a year with the money I'm sure they spent making those cards, so I'm personally really happy to see that money go to a cause we've all been rooting for. I just hope that if they had any money left over they peed on it and then burned it in front of some homeless people. THAT would show those filthy vagrants! Maybe those homeles people can add the ashes to their "crack pipes" as I've heard they are called in some book somewhere.
So what should you do if you see one of these rogue Texas Democrats? Well, don't fear because Texas sent the world famous Texas Rangers after them. Most likely most of them will have been "taken out", tagged, and shipped back to their homestate before they can do any damage to your local eco-system. If you DO happen to catch one taking a poo in your yard, digging 
through your trash, or voting for more school funds in your area, you should approach them carefully and, if possible, wrestle them into submission. Shoot them ONLY if they resist in any way. Just beware of ther bite as it is well known that most Democrats have AIDS. Texas Democrat heads look great over the mantle, just be sure to replace their teeth with sharp stones (which look a lot like most Democrats teeth anyway) due to that AIDS thing.
What can I say? God bless America!!!! It's about time we show those pesky vermin-esque Democrats who the real bosses of America are. Now lets lynch those bastards so we can get back to covering up Bush Jr's failures and get those po' rich folk some money before they starve. Oh, and did you know that in response to complaints that Military fuels poisoning local water suppies, George Bush Jr came up with something called something like the water preservation act (that isn't the exact name, but it's something like that) that exempts the Military from having to clean up such problems? Finally somebody has taken a stand! God bless you G. W. Bush!!! You stand for everything that everyone hates about America. You are a brave brave stupid man.
By the way, if they don't round up them Democrat dawggies by Thursday, the vote can't go through. I just hope they don't have to jump down any waterfalls Fugitive-style while running from John Q Law. (Although that would be sweet, you gotta admit!)
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and will duck in front of windows from now on.)
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