NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
"Hot Underwear Can Be So Sticky!"
What is the mystery of the mystery underwear? Well, what is the story behind the mystery underwear? What the hell is mystery underwear? It was just an excuse for an issue theme, really.
So No-Fi "Magazine" did a mini horror and exploitation hotel room film festival in conjuntion with Anxiety Films during the Fangoria Magazine Weekend Of Horrors convention (I'm a nrrrd, I know). We handed out private invitations to people we thought would be cool to hang out with. While we didn't have a billion people in the room (which in hindsight was actually a really good thing), we had a nice group of people who have actually turned out to be really cool friends (or already were) including Amy & Claire who drove to Burbank in 48 hours from New York and New Jersey, Eric from Anxiety Films, Jeff Roe with his red hair and black clothes, Jocelyn who was on the cover of issue #36 and is really fun to hang out with (as she and I don't drink), Bondage photographer Joe who was a big help with all the technical stuff, No-Fi "Radio" DJ/Program Director Quin, and Shawn from San Francisco who seems gruff at first, but is actually a really cool guy. As I may have mentioned before we were all just hanging out while watching films being projected on a sheet taped on the wall over one of the room's beds. It was a fun and strange night with people we invited drifting in and out of our room (there were two other parties in the hotel that night) including Mr. Eddie Munster himself; Butch Patrick who stopped by and hung out for an hour or so and left with a handfull of beers (more on that next) and a few independent horror film makers here and there.
One weird thing. A couple hours after Butch left we got a call (like at about 3 in the morning) saying something like, "Hey you gotta get that picture in focus." I look around seeing if somebody is calling me from the room on their cell phone as a joke, but everyone is watching Phantom Of The Paradise at that point. I ask, "Who Is This?" ... There's a pause ... "It's Butch!!! My room is directly across from yours in the next building! Look out the window!" I look out the window and Eddie is in his window waving to me. He tells me (on the phone) that he's been watching the movies from his bed. We say our goodbyes and I announce to the room that we are being stalked by Butch Patrick. You gotta love that guy. I'll have to interview him sometime.
So I wake up the next morning next to my new friend Claire, which was weird because I actually fell asleep next to Jeff. She looks at me with sleepy eyes and says "You were wonderful." I realized at that moment that I wanted to be friends with this raven haired charmer for the rest of my life. (Jeff was asleep at the foot of the bed all curled up and wagging his tail, by the way.)
So we're all getting ready to clear out of the room, putting everything away, patting Jeff on the head every now and then, and we find this wet foriegn orange underwear with a black bat or cat pattern on it hidden under a towel in the bathroom. They were SOAKED! Nobody who stayed over in the room claimed it as their own. Amy WAS alone in the bathroom with the underwear for a while and they were mosly unspoiled after she came back out. Claire questioned the underwear, but they just ignored her. Not everyone stayed over that night... Shawn left sometime early in the morning with lipstick on his faced face and Eric, Joe, and Jocelyn left in the middle of the night after a showing of a sex video starring a bunch of old animal toys by The Frogs. (Actually they weren't even there most of the night...more on that later.) So here we were stuck with this dripping underwear (wait for it)...and also this weird wet orange mystery underwear (Rimshot! Gong!). So we did what anyone else would do and had a magazine cover photoshoot with it. Claire was a natural, but the underwear was a primadonna and wouldn't take direction if its 
elastic life depended on it. Claire up having to hold up the underwear to the camera since it wouldn't do it itself. That underwear was an asshole.
Anyway, although the shots came out great, we decided that it was best to leave the underwear there for the cleaning lady to find and have her own magazine cover photoshoot with. We went on to enjoy the rest of the convention and meet all sorts of horror celebrities. Butch Patrick was noticably absent from his table. Did HE leave the mystery underwear in our room in between the cheap towels (which we did not steal, thank you) as some sort of psycho former child celebrity calling card? Hmmmmmm (imagine me scratching my chin in some detectivey fashion here). Well, we finished up the convention and invited our new friends Claire and Amy to a party that night in Pasadena. The convention and that crazy underwear was behind us, but we had new friends that I hope last a few lifetimes.
So whose underwear was it? Eric, Joe, and Jocelyn had left the party to splish-splash around in the hotel jacuzzi for a while that night during our screening of Battle Royale (which by the way should be a crime). I guess ERIC had left his frillies in the bathroom to dry after soaking them up in the spicy human soup that makes up most hotel jacuzzies. Is that the correct spelling? Or is the plural version of jacuzzi just "jacuzzi" or is it as simple as "jacuzzis"? What ever. Anyway the underwear was Eric's. I expected him to be more suprised at what we had done with them, but he seemed like he expected us to put his underwear on the cover (two covers as it turned out) all along. So that was it. Not much of a mystery, I guess, but it was a cool night. Yep. That was it.
Seriously...that was it. Stop reading now.
Yr. No-Fi "Pal",
Chris Beyond
(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and has some pretty fancy undies himself!)
E-Mail Us and and we'll review YOUR underwear!
