no-fi "magazine"
presents

"Pot Pimp Nabbed, Jailed!"
After 25 years as a fugitive from justice facing a long list of drug and public mayhem charges, marijuana dealer and advocate "Tommy" Chong was sentenced today to nine months in Federal prison.

Chong, an East Los Angeles "rock and roll" musician and entertainer, first came to the attention of narcotics officials in 1978, when he and co-conspirator "Cheech" Marin devised a plan to smuggle marijuana into the US using a van constructed entirely (right down to the Tijuana tuck and roll job on the seats) from the substance.

The LAPD called on veteran narcotics officer Sgt. Stedanko to form a task force to counter the threat posed by the Chong smuggling ring. Although Chong escaped prosecution after leaving the fuzzy, pungent green van parked (and smoking) outside a West Hollywood nightclub hosting a "Battle of the Bands," Stedanko would spend the next 25 years chasing the smuggler and his gang, even as the officer battled the mind-bending effects of the strong marijuana he was required to smoke as part of his undercover operations.

When told of Chong's sentencing, Stedanko grinned in triumph, his eyes red from overwork. "The surest way to make stoners bleed is to bust their ass and steal their weed," he crowed, gesturing to a towering pile of plastic-wrapped bricks of the leafy green herb. "I was going to send this mind-poison to the lab for analysis, but I was busy, you know, like distracted."

Over the next few decades, Stedanko would hunt Chong relentlessly, as the outlaw switched aliases, locations and disguises with alarming frequency. After ripping off a Malibu marijuana grower and selling the herb out of an ice cream truck, Chong (accompanied as always by his pet Labrador) escaped to Amsterdam, where he defrauded the hosts of Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds film festival by posing as one or both of the celebrities. Later that year, Chong turned up in Las Vegas, reinventing himself as a wealthy Arab owner of a car wash, which authorities later determined to be a front for a sophisticated money laundering operation. When authorities closed in, Chong disappeared again, having joined a band of pirates operating out of the country of Corsica in the Mediterranean Sea.

Despite the intense manhunt mounted by the law enforcement community both here and abroad, Chong and partner Cheech were still somehow able to continue recording popular "comedy" albums celebrating the drug culture and mocking authority figures, winning them countless fans around the world.

When asked for comment on Chong's arrest, Cheech, would speak only through the door of his home, claiming repeatedly that a person named "Dave" was not in, and that he did not know when he would return.

Another friend of Chong's, known only as "Howie," seemed devastated by the news of Chong's capture. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really really sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, really sorry. Would you like to have a hamburger?"

Part of the grudge against Chong certainly was personal, said Stedanko, continuing the interview despite a bad cough. In 1982, he was briefly transformed into a large green lizard after being exposed to pot grown by Chong's operation. Plagued with facial tics and injuries sustained while attempting to walk upside down on the ceiling, Stedanko retired in 1984, only to return to law enforcement last year to assist with Chong¼s capture.

Although Chong's first trial on drug charges ended on a mistrial when it was discovered that the judge's water pitcher actually contained vodka, the case was retried and ended in a guilty verdict. Still, Chong was unrepentant, accusing the prosecution of fabricating evidence against him. "I say hey man I been framed!" said Chong in a statement from jail. "Hey, no, really man I been framed. Awwwwww, I never do nothin' wrong, but every time I get the blame. I been framed!"


[Author's Note: I wrote this to honor the real-life Tommy Chong, who was recently busted for selling glassware (pot-smoking paraphernalia) and sentenced to nine months in Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison by the real-life Sgt. Stedanko, U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan. Despite his on screen persona, Tommy Chong is by all accounts a talented actor and musician, as well as a devoted husband and father, and it makes no sense at all to single him for selling bongs and such when devices used to smoke pot are easily available to anyone with an Internet connection and a credit card. Or a piece of tin foil and an apple, for that matter. It is clear that Tommy Chong was selected for prosecution by Attorney General John Ashcroft based on his high profile as an actor, musician, and marijuana advocate. But the flip side is that all the publicity surrounding Chong's case has drawn ever-more attention to the fascist drug war being fought against Americans and the thousands of victims who have lost their property, their freedom, and sometimes even their lives because of it. So tonight, I will join 20 million other Americans in smoking a big old bowl of green love while thinking about Tommy Chong in prison...and our future as a free people.]

For more information about Chong's sentencing and the unsung victims of the drug war, check out:

Cannabisnews.com:
Nine Months in Jail is Bad Trip for Tommy Chong
http://www.cannabisnews.com/news/17/thread17360.shtml

Drug War Victims
http://blogs.salon.com/0002762/stories/2003/08/17/drugWarVictims.html

Cheech and Chong's Official Website
http://www.cheechandchong.com

The Free Tommy Chong Website
http://www.freetommychong.org

David One-X is a staffmember of No-Fi "Magazine" and knows to skip Chris Beyond when passing to the left.

E-Mail David One-X for any information on this or any other subject.