"Moving Pictures and Stationary Plots"

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Scare Their Pants Off
starring Sean Laney, Mary St. Feint, directed by John Maddox, B/W, unrated, 1968
Satan's Bed
starring Yoko Ono, Val Avery, Glen Nielson, directed by Marshall Smith, B/W, unrated, 1965
Distributed by Something Weird
DVD Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

This is one double-feature disc I’ll just go of. Usually there’s at least one movie on these things to make the purchase worthwhile, but unfortunately, I wasn’t too impressed with either. In fact, the second feature, Satan’s Bed was downright soporific. So much so I never even finished. And while cheesy, exploitation flicks are a big part of my life, even I can step back on occasion and say “life’s too short for this crap.”

Scare Their Pants Off features two deranged young men who get their kicks by kidnapping women and then convincing them, through bizarre, ritualistic play-acting, to sleep with them. Once their done, the dudes dump all the chicks in a car on a ferry boat and send them off to wake up confused and frightened a few hours later. There’s not really any violence to speak of, or much nudity, which would really be the selling point for a flick like this, but it’s pretty tame by exploitation standards. It’s misogynistic, yes. Almost gleefully so. But it’s so monotonous and well … well, GENTLE, really … that it’s hard to even raise an eyebrow at it. I’ve seen some offensive junk, man, and this just wasn’t it.

This might have made an interesting short film. MIGHT have. As it stands, it just flounders around for 61 listless minutes without a half a quarter of the energy of the fish at the end of that FAITH NO MORE video from years ago. (I just saw clips from it on VH1, give me a break.)

And the second feature, Satan’s Bed just didn’t even LESS for me. Usually I can find SOMETHING entertaining in even the most fetid celluloid dreck (hell, I actually liked The Milpitas Monster) but this one just put me to sleep. It stars Yoko Ono, but who care? She doesn’t actually DO anything in it. (Well, in the first half hour, anyway, which is all I was able to watch.)

At first, I thought this might be a good one. It had a nice, sleazy ambience to it. But it just got boring and threatened me with a headache. (Kind of like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, although I actually sat through all of that, God help me.)

Now I realize me admitting that I didn’t watch the whole thing pretty much negates any legitimacy my review of it might possess, and that’s fine. I’m not even gonna tell you not to watch it. Just cuz I thought it was intolerable doesn’t mean you might not get some kicks from it. I’m just telling you what I thought of the little I saw. Go buy it, make your own opinions. E-mail me and tell me I suck if I like totally missed out on a low-budget sleaze triumph. Maybe I did.

Either way, I can’t really recommend this DVD, unless you’re a cult/exploitation completist. And really, who cares in the long run? These kinds of flicks are an acquired taste anyway, and that acquired taste can be just as eclectic and contentious as any other.

If you liked these two, great. If not, hey, I’m with ya.

Something Weird does it again! Tossing two obscure, low-budget pieces of junk onto one DVD! And is usually the case, the movies are barely watchable, simple curiosities from the lowest depths of the Underground.

Usually on these double-feature discs, the first film is the most enjoyable and the second nothing but filler. And saying one of these kinds of movies is better than the other is tantamount to saying that hunk of roadkill over there has less flies on it than the one right here. With this DVD, though, that isn’t the case. Here, the primary feature is the weakest entry and the ALSO PLAYING is the real treat.

The Beast That Killed Women is yet another GUY IN A GORILLA SUIT movie (which you all I know I love), but this one hasn’t much gorilla. It’s mainly got a lot of nudists walking around, playing volleyball, lying in bed, walking around, splashing in pools, walking around and walking around. Occasionally a gorilla comes along and beats someone to death. The police investigate but the only eyewitness testimony is “It was big and hairy …” To which the cop asks: “How big? Big as a man?” To which the eyewitness says, “I don’t know, it was too dark and I didn’t see anything.” To which the cops says “But you say it was some kind of animal?” to which the eyewitness says “Oh, it was big and hairy.”

Yeah. Just like that. The director can’t seem to decide if he wants to make a travelogue for nudist colonies or a monster feature. Absolutely nothing happens for such long periods of time that I found myself fast-forwarding. Didn’t miss anything either. If you do this, make sure you stop at the scene where two African American women are talking in front of a window. I’m willing to bet that this is the worst acting EVER. Watch it a couple times.

Other than that, a chick shakes her tush right in front of the camera and then walks away, revealing a director’s chair that says THE END. Har har. Liked the tush, though.

The second flick here, The Monster of Camp Sunshine was a welcome relief. It wasn’t really a better made movie, it was just more entertaining. It’s an odd amalgam of monster movie, nudie cutie and silent film. No joke. Every once in awhile, a title card comes up, with either dialogue on it, or plot exposition.

Again, as in Beast a killer of some sort is terrorizing a nude beach. After attacking a girl the girl’s friends make one phone call and suddenly the army shows up. Well, army stock-footage anyway. Like, it’s CRAZY stock footage, too. Paratroopers, machine guns, guys in civil war uniforms, brandishing muskets and canons. It’s the most completely absurd and surreal climax to a movie I have ever seen. Naked people running around, army guys spraying bullets all over the place, and the Monster never even leaves the wide-open field it’s standing in.

At one point, the Monster is stalking a skinny-dipper and he’s no more than a yard from the girl. The Monster steps in a bear-trap and bellows like the Damned, but she never even hears it.

I really got a kick out of Monster and kinda wish it would’ve been the feature presentation on this disc. But a minor quibble. Oddly enough, it plays like a Woody Allen movie, with its black-and-white NYC settings and jazzy score. If Allen had ever made a monster nudie film. Which he should.

Get this disc, but get it for Monster At Camp Sunshine.

This is a film I've always wanted to see, but never got around to. Don't Look Into The Basement is set at a Sanitarium where the head doctor has just been murdered by one of the many violent patients. A new nurse comes in to start her new job when she finds out from the head nurse what had happened and while upset by the news, she tries to adjust to the hopital and its odd residents. It's soon after she arrives when more strange things start to happen and by the time it's all over she finds herself questioning her own sanity. And just what is in that basement anyway?

I liked this film and it had interesting characters and the lead actress actually impressed me with her reaction to the things going on around her. Another actor who impressed me was Bill McGhee who portrayed the slow, but large Sam. Most of the cast do a great job really. The whole production has shades of both Hershell Gordon Lewis and Alfred Hitchcock and how can you go wrong with potential influences like that? Well, you could, but they did a pretty good job here with what was probably a very very small budget...which is evident by the lack of hospital staff (read: more actors)and more emphisis on the patients themselves. But I guess the story would be very diffeent if there were more actors as staff people.

Brentwood Video / BCI Eclipse is known for putting out those new DVD compilations you may have seen in stores with 10 movies for 10 bucks or so and that is how I saw this film on the "Evil Places" 2 double sided disc DVD set. Not a bad idea and I've been suprised at some of the transfers I've seen so far. So far I've seen a some crappy ones, but some have been good to great. Most seem to be at least of video tape quality. This film which I haven't seen before seems to be slightly above that quality. It's got some rich colors, but also can be a little dark at times. What I HATE HATE HATE is that they burn their stupid menu credits into the film about 4/5ths into the movie. What the hell is that about?!? Are they worried that people are going to bootleg the films like how TV networks brand their logos on to TV shows? That's sort-of ok for TV, but not for cheap DVDs you just bought. Put that kind of info AFTER the movie not during. Anyway, beside that travesty,, this a nice little film to pick up cheap to own or definitely as a rental.

Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit like cold temps, snow falling like Times Square New Years confetti, Salvation Army bells jing jing jingling … and throwing Elves into the VCR!

Ho Ho Ho!!!

Elves is classic BAD. Just absolutely wretched filmmaking, from the man who brought the world Cyber C. H.I.C. “’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town, blood-thirsty elves are about to get down!”

Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams to us 70’s kids) star sa Mike McGavin, a burnt-out, cop-on-hiatus who takes a job as a department store Santa to make an extra buck, and ends up entangled in a plot by Nazi’s to bring about a master race to conquer the world!

Honestly, that’s it folks. Genetically bred elves are supposed to mate with a virgin. First time I saw this movie I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Not only is the plot completely wacky, there’s a plethora of silly treats sprinkled throughout. Stuff you just won’t BELIEVE!

I won’t spoil anything, but a highlight is watching Dan Haggerty (who’s very clean cut and “family-oriented” now) cussing every other word and chain-smoking his way through what was obviously a quick paycheck. There’s actually a scene where he’s brushing his teeth AND smoking at the same time! Awesome! That’s HARDCORE, folks.

Best of all is the fact that the movie is called Elves but there’s only one damn elf in it! JUST ONE. That’s it. It’s rubbery, floppy, and has its mouth open at all times. Even the box talks up the fact that elves (as in, MORE THAN ONE) are menacing the characters, but this elf does his yuletide dirty deeds solo.

Hunt this one down and have a ball. While others are watching It’s a Wonderful Life for the umpteenth time, you’ll be watching what will undoubtedly become your new holiday tradition: Elves. Trust me … this is the goods, baby.

So Merry Christmas … and to all a goodnight.

It doesn't seem that long ago when my own "sweet sixteen" came round and while it did ring in a whole new kind of life to me, after seeing this film I realize that anything or one I did during that year was nothing compared to the life of your average 16 year old German girl. I rented this movie thinking that it was a silly "after-school special" film about the tough lives of 16 year olds in the seventies...little did I know that it would be German 16 year olds in the 70s and that they would be half or all naked most of the time (the poster shown here wa not the generic cover I saw in the video store). Seriously 16 year old German girls are messed up (if you can judge them all by this film, and I'd like to think you can...at least for the purposes of this review). The film starts with a creepy guy luring a little girl to follow him with promises of candy and puppies. He takes her to an apartment building where one of the German 16 year olds in question sees him and calls over one of her fellow German 16 year olds over to help. So where does this creppy pedophile take this little girl to molest her? Well right in front of a glass door of one of the apartments. "Ok", you say to yourself, as you watch this part of the movie, "I guess since this guy is a sick pervert, I guess he is just blinded to the fact that he's trying to do this right IN FRONT OF AN APARTMENT'S GLASS DOOR WHERE HE WOULD MOST LIKELY BE CAUGHT BY AT LEAST SOMEBODY!!!" So let's just forget that little suspension of belief... He is then confronted by a pair of said 16 year old German girls, do they attck him with tooth and nail? Do they scream for help or chase him off? What would you do? Well if you were a 16 year old German girl (and, as I said, if you could judge 16 year old German girls by this movie) then you would do what these two did. They REMOVE ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES AND TELL THE PERV HOW HOT HE'S MADE THEM. What the hell!!! This is not the movie I thought I had rented. What follows is a series of short "stories" to warn us of the dangers of German 16 year old girls and the dirty dirty dirty things they do. I don't remember what the rest of the stories were about. I just remember pubes so thick that they may as well have been called "hair panties" (this was shot in the 70s after-all). All I know is that if I see one or many 16 year old German girls walking my way I'm going to start walking the other way... If anything, just because I wrote this review where I kept on mentioning "16 year olf German girls."

(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine" and has a German pal named Cristoph.)