Well the "Ask Jeff Roe" section of No-Fi "Magazine" is back again. We're finally getting a bunch of new questions, so keep'm coming. Why do you look at your sister funny when you're alon with her? Are all those people on TV really talking to YOU? Is it "gay" if you only use your hand? We present now the best, most compelling letters (that we are legally allowed to publish). No-Fi "Magazine", it's publishers, owners, editors, writers [including Jeff Roe] and pets take no responsibility for opinions stated in this feature). Anyway, once again, here is "Jeff Roe's World of Whimsical Wonder". Feel free to mail Jeff with your questions concerning love, sex, dating, and where to find your feet.
• From Eduardo Marques
what the hell are sausages made of?
it kinda looks like recycled paper with red paint and some spice.
Dear Eduardo,
If I remember my three years of culinary training correctly, sausages are made of whatever falls in the vat. So it may very well be composed of recycled paper and red paint and who knows what else.
• From no-fi "regular" Eli Chartkoff:
Hi Jeff, this is Eli from THE MONOLATORS. I have a question for you:
This is my last day of work at my current job, which is at a community college 
library here in Los Angeles. For over a year now I've been staring at this interesting painting which hangs back in the "work room," which is where we unpack and process new books. This painting is a portrait of Bill Clinton that a student made when the President visited the campus back in 1994. The artist was apparently self-taught, and the painting can be definitely said to be in the "primitive" or "naive" style, but there's no question that it looks like Bill.
I just noticed today, though, that if you flip the painting over and hold it up to the light, you can see through the canvas to the image on the other side. From this perspective, the portrait no longer resembles Bill Clinton; instead, it looks remarkably like a very tanned Boris Yeltsin.
So here's my question, which is twofold: (A) how is this possible, and (B) what does this mean?
Dear Eli,
This is not only possible, it is inevitable. You see, the world's economy is based on the sale and use of sausage casings. They require large amounts each of animal, vegetable, and mineral resources to manufacture, and thus employs many people, who use their wages from the casing plants to buy other goods and services, so the whole system revolves around the sausage casing market. World leaders are selected based on their ability to get their people to eat more sausage. They are chosen by a secret group of overlords that does the bidding the alien Cthulu nation. When leaders are no longer able to influence sausage consumption, a message is sent to the overlords that they need replacing. It all makes sense when you stop and think about it. You have obviously stumbled across one such message and therefore know too much, as does anyone reading this. In fact, I'm already dead.
P.S. As I lay here watching the life go out of me, I can't help but wonder: what could you possibly have been doing tonotice such a thing?
• From "Nuts About Butts":
Dear Jeff,
Recently, a new sexual technique has been brought to my attention, and I was wondering if you might be able to flesh out its purposes and origins. Not long ago, a girlfriend of mine found herself on the receiving end of an 
acquaintance's desire to engage in a little late-night "squirreling". As he explained, this involves the insertion of the squirreler's scrotum into the squirrelee's anus. Naturally, this dubious practice inspires many a question. Can you provide your readers with any front-line accounts of this activity? When is it too early to ask your partner for a little odential action? What should one do while the squirreling is in progress? Is small talk appropriate, or is that quiet time? Where did squirreling come from? Why is it here?
I hope that you can fill in some of these gaps in the public education.
Love you, love your column,
Nuts About Butts
Dear "Nuts",
While I don't have any firsthand experience with this "experience," I do have some knowledge of the practice, as I do practically every sexual practice imagined (that is, knowledge, not experience). I believe the phenomenon began in England (for once, Germany is not the source of all evil). There it is called "dog in a bath." It is something that bored shepards did to the flock, and it caught on from there. Damn English. Thanks to the internet and bored office workers everywhere, it is now a global nut-dipping extraveganza, along with balloon fetishists, "growth" pills, and animal porn.
As for applying the practice to your daily life, here are a few tips I've picked up along the way:
1. It's never too early to request a good deep squirreling. If a relationship survives that, it can survive anything.
2. Squirreling is a time for introspection and deep meditation. Speaking would break the concentration of the other participant(s), leading to a less than satisfactory squirreling experience. So just keep it zipped, OK?
3. Just let it happen.
Any more questions? Bring it on. Jeff's ready for you. WRITE HIM and ask away! Do you have problems with the opposite sex? The same sex? Your own sex? Lack of sex? Too much? Roommate troubles? Health concerns? Ask Mr. Roe and if he doesn't know the answer, he'll at least make something up that sounds halfway good (or not).
