A little late, yet again, this month, but now we can finally present this month's letters to Jeff Roe. No-Fi "Magazine", it's publishers, owners, editors, writers [including Jeff Roe] and pets take no responsibility for opinions stated in this feature). Anyway, once again, here is "Jeff Roe's World of Whimsical Wonder". Feel free to mail Jeff with your questions concerning love, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex......
• From Audra
Dear Jeff,
I want to know why men make such a big fucking fuss about having sex with Shemales. They have sex with them, why fuss about it? It confuses me. The guys know that they are shemales, have sex with them, and then make fun of them. What's the deal?
I am not sure what your main concern is. Are you 
wondering why some guys are obsessed with she-males or are you puzzled as to why some of these same guys also make fun of them. Is this something you encounter in your everyday life, or just on the internet? Since your question seems so personal and angry, I'll assume that it's something you encounter in your everyday life. Do most of your male friends obsess over dick? If so, then you might be a fag hag. "What's a fag hag," you ask? Simply put, a fag hag is a woman who so fears any real intimacy that she socializes primarily with unavailable gay men. Now, before you answer "NO!", bear with me. You may not know that your male friends are gay. They may be deeply in the closet, denying their obvious gayness, even to themselves. So while they crave dick, they have conditioned themselves to look only at women. So when transexuals come along, it's like the best of both worlds. They get the dick they need while retaining the appearance of straightness. And like most self-hating gays, they tell cruel jokes to their friends about how much they hate gays and what freaks they are. Does this sound familiar? Perhaps your friends are faking hetero. Here's a quick test to find out. If the answer to two or more of these questions is yes, then your friends might be gay. Here we go:
1. Have your friends, at any time, belonged to a college fraternity?
2. Do your friends play any of the following sports: touch football, crotch football, softball, hardball, basketball (with the short shorts), baseketball, lacrosse, or any other sport with a lot of ass-slapping?
3. Do your friends go to the gym more than twice a week?
4. Do your friends call each other "queer" or "gaywad" on a regular basis? ("fag" and "sissy-boy" don't count).
5. Have any of your friends participated in a gay-bashing? (If the answer to this question is yes, then your friends are the gayest gays of all time).
6. Are your friends big Burt Reynolds fans?
7. Do your friends listen to 80's hair metal?
So how did you do? Are your friends gay? Are you a "fag hag"? If they are gay, then that explains the whole shemale thing. If they're not gay, you did the test wrong. Shame on you.
• From Roberto Schoberto
Dear Jeff,
How do you know when enough is 'enough?'
Thanks,
Robert
If you have to ask, you'll never know. Does that answer your question? Now I'll never know if that answered your question. You see how that works? Crap. Now I won't know that either. I'd delete that sentence, but my keyboard only has twenty working keys, and delete isn't one of them. So in conclusion, since you asked, you'll never know (just for that particular question. Most questions give up their answers like big girly men when passed to me. This question is not one of them), and knowing is half the battle.
• From Michele
Hi!! I got your email from Chris at NOFI.... he said that you might be able to help me out!!! If you could I would REALLY appreciate it!!
Ok... here's the deal... awhile back.. before I moved into my house.. it apparently was quite an ACTIVE house.. drugs.. drug dealers and all the GOOD stuff that comes with it... someone apparently died in
it.. I don't know when and who... but I do know that I have a GHOST in my house... AND I'm really getting sick of turning the damn TV off at night.. (he turns it on)... so I've been trying to research the history of my house and who my ghost is.. he/she's really nice but I would like to know who I live with and I'm just either too stupid to figure out how to go about this.. or EVERY FREAKIN' THING costs $$$$$$$$$$.. .... so if you know of a free and EASY way to do this.. HIT ME UP!!!
Dear Michele,
The cheapest, easiest, and laziest way to find out what happened in your house is to ask your neighbors and your landlord. Too shy? Then call (anonymously) your local police precinct or courthouse. The clerk will most likely be happy to get you in touch with the detectives and lawyers involved in the shooting up of the crack house you now occupy. Don't want to talk to anyone? Then take yourself to
the courthouse and peruse the many public files available for your perusal until you find the one you are looking for: criminal cases concerning your current address.
Now that you know who you are dealing with, resolving your roommate issues should be relatively easy. Call her/him by name, tell them that you know who they are and why they are there, and say that you're willing to share the house with them, as long as they behave themselves and if they turn the T.V. on, turn it off when they're done watching ghost porn, or whatever it is that ghosts watch.
P.S.
Are you sure that you have ghosts? Maybe you're just really high all the time and forget to turn off the television at night. That's just as likely an explanation, if your screen name is anything to go by. Or maybe you just don't know how to set the timer on the T.V.
Any more questions? Bring it on. Jeff's ready for you. WRITE HIM and ask away! Do you have problems with noisy neighbors? Nosey neighbors? Masturbating? Weight problems? Which Olson Twin is the cutest and which is the most skeletal? Roommate troubles? Health concerns? Robots attacking your cat? What is the right tattoo for you? Ask Mr. Roe and if he doesn't know the answer, he'll at least try to sound somewhat credible, which he is totally totally not.
