the No-Fi "Magazine"
~ ~ Last Minute ~ ~
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
If you're anything like me, you are usually waiting until the last week or even just days before X-Mas before you realize that you have to go shopping for your friends and relatives lest you show up to their doors (or even worse they show up to YOUR DOORS) and you don't have any gifts to prove that you love them and that you support the economy.
So we've put together this handy last minute gift guide for you to help you not look like such an idiot. We looked far and wide to bring to you what we think will not only make cool holiday gifts, but cool things in general for the next year. Hey, worst case scenario, you can avoid seeing them until after X-Mas and lo and behold here's that handy gift you would have given them if your busy holiday schedules were kinder. And if you don't have any friends and your family was killed by John Travolta, then what better way to say, "I love me," than by giving yourself the perfect gift? In any case these are the things we think you should get this holiday season and beyond...
come in a variety of forms. There is the basic Angry Tooth which is made of a material somewhere between a pillow and a soft towel and sports the "angry" look in question. The "naughty" tooth isn't quite what I think of when I think of the word "naughty" but is softer than the basic angry took and has a large open mouth and lone tooth (within a tooth). The Were Tooth is brown and shaggy and reminds me of my cool Chewbacca doll when I was a little kid so this one earns high marks just for that, but it also feels really good to snuggle up to during those cold winter nights. Hands down, my favorite is the Dead Tooth. This black corduroy plush tooth with red Xs for eyes comes with both a funeral wreath AND a little felt Angry Tooth bible. When you open up the pages of the bible you see a little angelic Angry Tooth! How cute is that?!? Other Angry Teeth which I did not receive are the patched eyed Pirate Tooth and the very odd, and green, Scuzzy Tooth. Even if you can't get this one in time for X-Mas, you should get them anyway. I have a feeling that these are going to be hot items in 2005 and better to get them now and say you got them first than to get them later when everyone is sick of them. Of course, if they keep coming up with fresh ideas for their teeth, that may never happen. For now you can find these in certain shops in Oregon, but you can always find them online so why not go there now? $12 to $20
I've already mentioned this in the intro of this issue, but this shows just how serious I am about you getting this. Directed by JMM (TEENAGE TUPELO, SUPERSTARLET A.D.) and Victoria Renard (SHINE ON SWEET STARLET), this film has been the toast of the burlesque circuit, playing at burlesque conventions and film festivals 
around the country. Now it is finally on DVD and sports a DVD cover and booklet design by Chris Beyond. Hey, that's ME! Not only do you get the burlesque loop film BROAD DAYLIGHT featuring what I've been calling the soundtrack of the year (cuz it's true), but you also get tons of extras and a 2ND DVD disc featuring the film SHINE ON SWEET STARLET, the SHE-quel to BROAD DAYLIGHT. Starring in the film are two of No-Fi "Magazine"'s coverstars Anna Bells (this month) and Kitty Diggins (October 2004) as well as Miss Exotic World Kitten DeVille, Miss Exotic World Dirti Martini, and so many more that this review would be twice as long if I tried to list them. There is even NEW photography on the cover, in the discs, and on a pin-up poster by the world famous Bunny Yeager (famous for her photos of Bettie Page back in the day). So if you like to see modern gals performing classic burlesque dance routines in unusual settings to some of the best garage rock sounds out there, plus the first director's commentary in REVERB, this is the DVD to get for you or your like minded guy AND gal friends. $32.99
Kubricks are cool little toys, somewhat inspired by the look of lego figures, but almost twice as big and usually much more detailed and articulated. In Japan, where they are from, Kubrick toys are so popular that many big film premieres have exclusive Kubrick (or Bearbrick) toys sold or given away in the theater. You can find Kubrick toys for Reservoir Dogs, Andy Warhol, The Usual Suspects, Marvel & DC Comics, the film Amelie, Aliens, G.I. Joe, Devilman, Video Game characters, and many many many more. There hasn't been a toy company with this much licensed variety since Mego toys in the 1970s. Now they've released a kubrick figure of Sex Pistol bass player (when he had it plugged in) and (possible) murder/suicide enthusiast Sid Vicious. It even comes with a little wooden casket. This may be the coolest lone Kubrick figure ever. The detail on this figure is better than most with his little plastic leather jacket, leopard skin patterned shirt, and spiked wrist band. Sorry kiddos, no swastika shirt yet again (replaced in the film SID & NANCY with a Hammer & Sickle). His face is in a permanent snarl underneath his messy hair. Throw on an old vinyl copy of 'Never Mind The Bullocks' and put this little Sid on top to give him a ride. I hope that Kubrick continues making punk legends. Maybe a little plastic Johnny Rotten or Joey Ramone isn't too far off? $18
Oh-My-Gawd! Well, if there is a god he's definitely a movie nerd and his perfect teeth are shining down on this 1/6th scale action figure based on the likeness of Jason Voorhees as he appeared (for the first time even) in FRIDAY THE 13TH 
PART 2. It's also my favorite film from the whole series. Jason didn't find his signature hockey mask until Part 3 so all he had to wear in this film was some dirty overalls, an old plaid shirt, and a potato sack on his head with a hole cut out for his one working eye. And it is all recreated for you in this figure. If I had any complaints it would be that the clothes and sack are a little too clean and crisp. And the real...errr fake hair doesn't resemble that of his hair in the movie, but that's just the horror movie nerd in me talkin'. Anyway, just don't turn your back on this figure as he just might decide to impale you on his little plastic pitchfork or bloody pickax. Even if you put him away you know he's just going to come back...and maybe even at your bedside. And what better place to put a cool figure like this? $40
So we have a problem in our new house with only one cool hanging light and two really bad ones. So where are we going for some really cool 
hanging lampshades? Moonshine Lampshades carries almost every variation on these particular retro lampshades that you can imagine. You can get a basic color or you can get all sorts of cool colors or patterns for hanging lights or tablelamps. They've even been featured in the "Hey Ya" music video, but I have to admit that I haven't seen it, The best way to show you just how many styles or variations you can get of these lampshades is to just direct you to their excellent and very informative site. So check it out AND their very reasonable prices. Make your place look cool without having to spend tons of bucks! Prices vary depending on your custom order.
They were the unofficial Burning Man shoe of 2004. Comfortable, lightweight, inexpensive and travel well, the company is called Holey-Soles. How comfortable are they? My house has over a dozen pairs. They are perfect for all ages, and they suit so many different kinds of needs and lifestyles. Holey Soles clogs are extremely comfortable when worn on a variety of surfaces from concrete to sand. They are light and durable, fade and crack resistant. They have a massaging insole, therefore at the end of the day you wont have to massage anyone else's stinking smelly feet. They are made of a special kind of foam that resists bacteria and doesn't allow the footwear to smell. You can be out drunk and running around, you wont fall. Wait maybe I should not say that. They come in a variety of colors. And fun accessories can even be added to them just to personalize them. I have added the links to their website and you can pick which color you want from there. I would like a red...in the classic holey-sole, size medium. There! I have made my xmas list.
HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB
Two great tastes taste great together. My personal faves: snowtrooper and Chewbacca minifigures (AT-AT and AT-ST/Millenium Falcon sets, respectively). There's also a metal-bikini Leia in the Jabba's Palace set for all you pervs out there. The next and probably final chapter in the film series is out in 2005 too so you know we're going to see a lot of new product coming our way soon. Lego sets can run from $4.99 to $100+
One of the fastest road cars ever built. Only 125 produced. Great stocking stuffer. You're not a car fan unless you own one of these (I'm not a car fan, so it's OK).
Great television series with its first season now on DVD. It's funny too. ...David Cross being really really gay. ~$39.98.
Welcome to Fetopia, a strange little world of friendly fetuses (at least I think they're friendly). A collection of various characters (Cletus Fetus, Robofetus, Alien Feto, etc.) available in a variety of merchandise options (keychains, candles, scarves, dreadlock beads, chess sets, etc.) Why? I don't know. And I don't care. I think these would make great stocking stuffers. Or something. Oh, just go to the website and see for yourself! If you're like me, you're bound to find these things cute, and you're bound to find SOMETHING to do with them! They're cheap, too.
If I had enough money I would buy everyone I know a bar of this sick soap. Sick in concept, I mean, not sick in execution, cuz this soap actually feels pretty good going on, and it smells nice, too. Enriched with vitamin E and aloe, it's also vegan-friendly. Embedded in each bar of soap is a polymer clay toe; in some cases, some of the severed toes can be worn used as beads. The toes are sold separately and are great for practical jokes (I found myself thinking of that scene in The Hitcher where the dude finds the finger in his fries.) Pink toe in soap? I say why not! Only $4.50 a bar! Awesome!!!
lovely comfort wraps from Bliss Botanics are a godsend! Lavender scented, pleasing to the eye; heat them up or chill them in the freezer and then apply to those aching backs and necks (or anywhere else, really) and feel immediate results. Seriously, the second one of these wraps touches you, you start to relax. It's amazing. Kate Kerkstra, owner of Bliss Botanics is now my hero. Check out her website for lots of other super soothing products, including Eye Soothers, Aromatherapy Spritzer and (my personal favorite) the Boo Boo Buddies. Try these once and you'll wonder how you ever survived without them. Very affordable, too. With all the comfort they bring, you'll think they're a steal!