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THE CHRISTMAS PARTY
starring Pete Barker, Austin Labbe, Marilyn Bernard, directed by Jeremiah Kipp, Color, Unrated, 2003

Distributed by Kipp-Miller Productions
Film Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

Jeremiah Kipp’s terse little drama is an extremely thought-provoking piece that lingers with you for days after you’ve seen it. Critically lauded (in part by one of my favorite filmmakers, Larry Fessenden, director of Wendigo, one of the all time great horror films, in my opinion) and applauded at many film festivals, The Christmas Party is a harrowing work of art that tackles the tough subject of faith (both the presence of, and absence of) and how adults communicate that faith to children.

Gabriel is a solemn young boy, living with his grandparents because his mother, an implied alcoholic, is unable to care for him. Finding an ad in the local paper for a Christmas party in the neighborhood, his grandparents decide that is the perfect remedy for him. Not only might it lift his spirits a bit, but he will have the chance to engage with other children. Dropping him off at the party, the grandfather is unaware of what the hosts, a minister and his wife, have in mind.

While at the party, Gabriel is brought the word of God, and is invited to “be saved,” which apparently all the other children have already done. Gabriel gladly accepts the gift of Christ, finding a ray of hope in his otherwise forlorn existence. However, when his grandfather arrives to retrieve him, Gabriel is given another point of view, one that shatters the nascent hope he seemed to have gained.

It’s a touchy subject, and I’ll admit, I was a bit hesitant going into the movie, as I usually don’t like antireligious work. While not a religious man myself, I do have a strong spiritual base, and I generally accept all forms of spirituality. The way I see it, things are just way to damn harsh in this world to go around believing in nothing. And whatever helps you sleep at night, hey, go for it. Some of the reviews I read about The Christmas Party before viewing it gave me the impression that what I was about to see carried a strong anti-Christian sentiment, and I just don’t like dogma from either side of the fence, you know.

But I was surprised to find that the movie didn’t affect me in that way, or, I should say, didn’t give me that impression. While the minister and his wife are portrayed as smiling, wide-eyed fanatics, they aren’t too over the top as to be cliché. I don’t in the least condone their style of “spreading the word,” but Kipp managed to make them real enough, without missing the point he was trying to make. I’m glad, because the message at the end is so much more heartbreaking and confusing (in a good way), a message that would’ve been lost on me had it been played as simple parody.

I felt great unease throughout the movie, and Kipp hits every note right. The editing, the music, the videography and the performances (particularly Austin Labbe as Gabriel and Tom Reid as the minister) are all handled with a solidity and aplomb that belie its low-budget and DIY origins.

This is a movie that will affect people in different ways, depending on what you bring into it. I can totally understand why some might find it antireligious, but I don’t really think that’s the point. Instead I found it to be a disturbing portrayal of adult influence over children, especially children without a sturdy grip on the disparate facets of life. It isn’t religion, or the lack thereof, that’s bad, it’s the way it’s packaged and sold, and the sometimes detrimental effects that can have on anyone who doesn’t know much about any of it in the first place. I could be way off base, and maybe the film’s not open to such interpretation, although real art (which I believe this is) should always leave some room for audience evaluation.

Either way, The Christmas Party is an assured slice of cautionary moviemaking that shows much promise for its writer/director, and for all those involved in front of, and behind, the camera. Get a hold of this and let it get into your head like it did mine. If you’re like me, and you love contemplation on the really big issues of our condition, then this one is should be just your thing, too

(Ryan Lies is a No-Fi "Magazine" Staffwriter
and is gonna sit at the welcome table one of these days)

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THE SKELETON KEY
starring Kate Hudson, John Hurt, Gena Rowlands, directed by Iain Softley, Color, , 2005

Distributed by Universal Pictures
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

Ok, first and formost. I'm a designer...and thus I have to give props for the poster art which IS a photo (well, a photoshopped photo, but still), but at least it isn't a photo of a bunch of people's heads like most posters these days. Ok, I've said something nice, so let me say something about what I DIDN'T like about the advertising. The ads for the film say that this film comes from the writer of The Ring. Problem is that they aren't saying that it's from the writer of the American version of THE RING and NOT from the person who actually adapted the original novel into the original film version of The Ring, Takahashi Hiroshi. If you've seen the original superior version (Japan's Sadako versus America's Samura is no contest), you would know that while some things are changed here and there, the story is largely lifted from that film.

That being said, THIS movie is actually a pretty decent film. I was suprised. The trailer for the film was pretty good, but the film actually held up. It's not a GREAT film, but a nice simple, sometimes predictable story that is a pretty good matinee diversion.

The Skeleton Key is about a woman (the frighteningly thin Kate Hudson) who takes a job as a caretaker for a man (Alien's John Hurt) who has recently suffered from a heart attack and is practically paralyzed and mostly bed-ridden. The Skeleton Key in question is, believe it or not, NOT named after Kate Hudson's emaciated body being small enough to fit in most key holes. In the film, Kate Hudson's character named Caroline Ellis is given a key that opens every door in the house. For those of you who don't know, that kind of key is called a skeleton key. Got it? Good. So since she is staying in this bayou mansion with her ward and his creepy, but charming in that southern way (the good kind of southern way, that is) sister, she goes exploring through the huge house which leads her to going into the attic and discovering a secret room filled with voodoo - make that "hoodoo" - books, tools, and even vinyl 78 speed records.

So Caroline steals one of the records and plays it at her pad in New Orleans. I can't argue with her here. I'd do the same thing. Well, I wouldn't STEAL, but if I was staying at a place where I found something like that, of COURSE I'm going to play it. The record is actually of of the most impressive parts of the film for me in terms of sound design. It really sounds like it could have been recorded back in the 20s or 30s. Anyway, her listening to this records sets in motion a windy road of mistrust of her invalid ward's sister and finding out that there may have been more to his heart attack including something possibly supernatural.

That's all I'll tell you about the story. Like I said it's pretty simple and I saw the ending coming halfway into the film. It's still pretty good. I liken it to an expanded Twilight Zone or Night Gallery story. I did want to throw food at the screen, but only to get Kate Hudson to eat something. I wonder if she's one of the thinnest people ever to have a lead role in a major studio film. She probably shot the film in between Carny gigs. Oh and I think that the ending could have been a lot better. I appreciate that they didn't go over every little thing in the film as if the audience were filled with slow people, but an event told in flashback in the film actually has a greater impact once you realize what has been going on in the film and I think it would go over most people's heads because of how quick the finale goes. But I can't tell you here. You'll just have to go see this film and find out for yourself.

Oh and a warning...this film is PG-13. That means that this is a horror film that isn't rated R. Thus don't expect this to be as scary as it could be had they been a little more edgier.

(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and realizes that Shelly Duvall was probably thinner)

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WOMEN'S PRISON MASSACRE
(aka EMANUELLE IN PRISON)
starring Laura Gemser, Gabriele Tinti, Ursula Flores, directed by Bruno Mattei, Color, , 1983

Distributed by Shock-O-Rama Cinema
Film Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

There’s nothing I hate more than when a movie builds a healthy heaping of promise in its first and second parts, only to go completely bankrupt as the movie winds to an end.

Women’s Prison Massacre promises much, if you’re a fan of sleazoid, sexploitation cinema, but it doesn’t much deliver on anything once the final credits roll. Now, before I continue, I must preface the rest of this review by saying that the version I watched was released on DVD by Retro Shock-o-Rama and E.I. Independent, and their version of it carries an R-rating. I know there is an unrated version out there, and I don’t know how much footage was clipped from this release, and whether or not it would make this flick any better. If I ever come across such an untrimmed version, I will gladly re-review it. If my opinion is altered significantly, that is.

Like I said, this flick had plenty going for it. Topping that list was the fact that it was directed by Bruno Mattei, who is without a doubt, one of the best “bad” filmmakers in the world! Every movie of his that I’ve had the pleasure to see (and he’s made a million of ‘em!) has been a laugh-out-loud riot. Most of the time, and I mean this as praise, he doesn’t even seem like he’s trying. Often his films are either patched together with footage from other films, or so loaded with stock footage you think you’re watching a Discovery Channel special. And they’re always badly dubbed, badly acted, and shoddily slapped together (as if shot and edited over the course of one day). Ed Wood is Tarantino compared to this guy. For a sweet dollop of asinine goodness, check out Rats: Night of Terror and Hell of the Living Dead. If you took a dump onto a strip of celluloid and processed it, you might end up with a better movie than any of Mattei’s, but it wouldn’t be as fun.

Secondly, the movie stars Laura Gemser, an actress I find strangely attractive (whom I last saw in Emmanuelle In America, which I reviewed a few issues back.) She generally plays the kind of roles Pam Grier played back in the day, although Grier’s body of work is of a substantially higher caliber. I personally feel Gemser deserved better roles in better films, but there’s nothing to do about that now, as I’ve heard she’s retired from the business and living in seclusion somewhere.

And the movie itself has a great set up: Investigative reporter Emanuelle is wrongly imprisoned by a corrupt District Attorney, or something, and is trying to survive life behind bars. But the warden, guards, and other inmates are out to spoil her vibe, through requisite cat-fights in the shower room, isolation torture, guns, whips, whatever. Emanuelle seems to have something up her sleeve, when a group of recently-arrived convicts take over the prison.

That’s when things go down hill. The movie loses all momentum, the plot threads unravel haphazardly, and worst of all ... Emanuelle is relegated to nothing more than a peripheral character, and a whiny, useless character at that. Every strength given to her in the prior half of the movie is tossed away in favor of having her stand on the sidelines and let the guys have all the action. At one point, a wounded police officer that she has teamed up with causes one of the bad guys to drop his rifle and Emanuelle doesn’t even reach to get it to help out her cohort! She stands there, with a bemused look on her face, as if she didn’t dare dabble in a man’s world.

There’s a couple bright spots in the latter half of the movie. The first being a pretty tense Russian Roulette scene that even had me on the edge. And then there’s a scene where one of the female prisoners puts a razor blade in her vagina and seduces one of the men holding her prisoner. However, this scene, in the version I watched, is severely cut (no pun intended) and we really don’t get to see "the goods."

The DVD transfer is serviceable, but grainy and rough in spots, although I kinda liked that, as it added to the sleazy look of the film. There are some trailers for other Shock-o-Rama titles, and liner notes by some dude named 42nd Street Pete.

I’ll probably keep this one around just because I’m a Laura Gemser fan and a Bruno Mattei fan, or at least until someone unleashes an uncut version. But I’m pretty disappointed overall. As exploitation sleaze goes, this R-rated flick is on the weak side. I think if you’re gonna release a title like this, at least wait until you can get an uncut print of it. No body likes a watered-down women in prison flick, trust me.

I already cited better examples of Mattei’s “work” above, but for a better example of chicks behind bars action, check out Ilsa The Wicked Warden, The Big Bird Cage, or Caged Heat.

(Ryan Lies is a No-Fi "Magazine" Staffwriter
and knows better than to censor himself into an R-Rating)

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Reviews from July & August 2005...

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FREAKED
starring Alex Winter, Mr. T, Randy Quaid, directed by Alex Winter and Tom Stern, Color, , 1993

Distributed by Anchor Bay
Film Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

This one kinda sprung up on me. Kinda. Several months ago I had read that Anchor Bay was going to release this little treat on DVD, but after that, I never heard much about it. No fanfare, no nothing. So I sort of forgot about its impending release.

Then there I was at Best Buy, perusing the aisles and there it was! And I was ecstatic! It made my day. Hell, my month.

If you haven’t ever seen Freaked, or even heard of it, then now’s the time. This DVD might be one of the best discs of the year. Certainly in my circle it gets that moniker. For years my cohorts and I have treasured this forgotten early-90’s gem.

Alex Winter (widely known to most as Bill from the Bill & Ted films, and less widely known to others as Marko in The Lost Boys) stars as Ricky Coogan, a former child star, and current arrogant schmuck who’ll take any part for a buck. Goaded by the lure of easy money, Ricky signs a deal with EES (the Everything Except Shoes Co.) to become their pitch-man for a fertilizer called Zygrot-24. Zygrot-24 is rumored to have caused many mutations in the populations where it has been used (and is banned outright in the US and Europe) but Ricky doesn’t care. He’s off to South American with a cool five million in his checking account.

Once there, Ricky falls for an environmentalist named Julie (Megan Ward, of Trancers fame), whom he dupes into going for a ride with him and his buddy Ernie (Michael Stoyanov, of TV’s “Blossom” and a writer for the Conan O'Brien show) Along the way, they find a freakshow and decide to check it out. Once there, they meet Elijah C. Skuggs (Randy Quaid), who kidnaps them and turns them into mutants, using ... yep, you guessed it ... Zygrot-24.

Ricky, who’ll be damned if he’s going to live with his new deformity (although at one point he wonders aloud if “they’re still casting Gremlins 3”), befriends the assorted other freaks held prisoner by Elijah and plots to escape, and hopefully find an antidote for his affliction. Little does he know that the EES people are in cahoots with Elijah, and plan to build an even bigger freakshow.

This movie is just nonstop, random insanity. That’s the best way I can describe it to you. The plot only serves as a device to showcase whatever deviancies writers Stern and Winter can come up with and the extra special make-up effects by Screaming Mad George. Among the mutants are a man spliced with a worm and one spliced with a cow (who’s named Cowboy ... and it’s so dumb, I mean so dumb, that it’s funny as hell). There’s also a man who farts fire, a pinhead (and those of you who have ever seen Freaks will just piss yourselves during her musical number), a bearded lady (played hilariously by Mr. T whose best line in his whole career can be found in this film; "I am woman. I like me."), and a man with a sock for a head (voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait.)

Also among the Dr. Moreau-on-acid menagerie is Ortiz the Dog Boy, played uncredited by Keanu Reeves. And let me say this: this is the best role Reeves has EVER played. Heavily made up and using a bad Latino accent to wonderful effect, he steals the show for during his extended cameo. In fact, he has the best line in the whole movie: “Twelve milkmen on the same route is theoretically possible. Thirteen is silly.” Trust me, the scene is what rewind button were made for.

And I can’t say enough about the Rasta eyeballs, Eye & N. Eye (get it?), who guard the place for Elijah, and pop up way too briefly. But you’ll love ‘em. Two walking eyeballs in Rasta hats, with machine guns! Stern and Winter are geniuses! And I think they need to make an action figure line for Freaked just so I can get two Rasta eyeballs with machine guns to sit on the top of my computer!

Anchor Bay has released a plentiful bounty for the Freaked cult. This two-disc set comes with some beautifully ridiculous package-art, audio commentary with dirs. Winter and Stern, a conversation with writer Tim Burns, behind the scenes hijinks-reel, deleted scenes, an art gallery ... and that’s just disc one! The second disc features footage of actor Alex Zuckerman developing his character of Stuey Glick (an hilarious Ricky Coogan fanboy), behind the scenes footage of the freakshow set, footage of Alex Winter’s makeup transformation, early script readings, with Alex Winter, Megan Ward and others, Freaked: The Reehersel Version (a full-length rehearsal of the film, featuring Randy Quaid, Keanu Reeves and William Sadler!!!!), plus Squeal Of Death and NYU Sight & Sound Project (two early short films by Tom Stern and Alex Winter !!!!!!)

Why does Freaked, a movie very few appreciate, or have ever heard of, deserve all this loving attention? Once you see it, you’ll know. And you’ll be a happy geek for having all this insane and inane treasure in your paws!

Winters and Stern knew what kind of move they were making and they appear to be having a ball doing it. Obvious fans of oldschool mad-genius-scientist movies like She-Demons, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, The Island of Dr. Moreau, and, well, movies like Freaks and The Elephant Man, they send up these genres with loving humor, and without ever being insulting or supercilious.

The whole movie is just plain fun and senseless, with something new absurd at every turn. The jokes range from inspired to stupid, but they’re all funny nonetheless. And it goes great with a six-pack and a bunch of buddies, late at night. Hardly anyone you know will probably have heard of this movie, so, once you see it and love it (cuz I know you will) SPREAD THE WORD!!!!

And, what I want to say to Stern and Winters (besides THANKS!) is this: I’M NOT JOKING AROUND ABOUT THOSE ACTION FIGURES! I want ‘em NOW!

(Editors note by Chris Beyond: In the mid nineties I came across unpainted vinyl statues of a certain 2 headed couple and a certain dog-faced boy from the film on sale for only two dollars at Hollywood Video. I wasn't collecting toys yet and I didn't buy it even though I am a huge fan of the film. I've regretted not buying them every day since then. Pictured here with the review are photos of the toys/statues created for the film FREAKED.)

(Ryan Lies is a No-Fi "Magazine" Staffwriter
and knows that the story of the hammer is the roughest)

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GODZILLA - FINAL WARS
starring Masahiro Matsuoka, Rei Kikukawa, directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, Color, , 2004

Distributed by Toho
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

I'm a little more than a casual Godzilla fan, but even I think that some of the films can be slow and even, dare I say, tedious. That's right...somebody had to say it. Well, the latest Godzilla film does not have that problem at all.

A big BIIIIG reason for this (other than the bigness that is Godzilla) is the film's director Ryuhei Kitamura who directed the excellent VERSUS as well as ALIVE (not the american one), and AZUMI. His rapid style can only be compared to some of Hong Kong and Japan's fastest films and THE MATRIX. (Supernerds keep an eye out for the star of VERSUS, Tak Sakaguchi as one of the aliens who barely gets any screen time.) His style can't be missed in the latest, and rumored to be last, Godzilla film.

The film begins with model tanks attacking the giant rubber titular creature in the South Pole. He makes quick work of them, but is soon foiled by a flying drilling submarine thing that manages to bury him deep in the ice.

Flash-forward to decades later when it is revealed that mankind has come together with the sole goal of destroying all the monsters plaguing the Earth. This effort is led by the M Organization whose members are mutants with superior physical and mental powers. One of its top members is assigned to guard a recently discovered mummified monster that seems to have an unusual origin.

An attack by the monsters in multiple countries is halted when the creatures all disappear at the same time under the rays of an alien spacecraft. These aliens contact the Earth's leaders and warn them of a coming disaster which will require all of the Earth's weapon resources to stop it.

But when strange questions arise from the investigation of the aliens, all hell breaks loose and almost every monster from all of Godzilla's 28 films return to destroy the Earth. An Earth's only possible salvation lays dormant under the ice at the bottom of the planet.

Gee I wonder what happens...

So this is the Battle Royale of Godzilla films and I honestly have to say that it's my favorite...this is odd because it isn't Godzilla that gets the most screen time here. It's the members of the M Organization and their ship's gruff captain (played by American actor Don Frye). What sets this film apart from all other Godzilla films is the constantly moving action and story. There are also a lot of hand to had fighting scenes which I don't remember ever being anywhere near this scale in previous Godzilla films. Even the Monster fighting is fast paced and if you blink, you just might miss something cool.

So I can strongly recommend this film for Godzilla fans and non-fans alike. You'll have a good time no matter what. But just to warn you...there are still some effects with a lot to be desired. Miniature tanks and buildings are pretty obvious. Some of the computer generated effects are lacking (the Golden Manda effect is pretty embarrassing) and, yes, Godzilla is still a man in a suit...but what a suit it is. It's gotta be the best Godzilla suit so far.

Oh, and another thing about the more recent Godzilla films is that they all seem to has plot points of characters that seem to be stolen from other films. The 90s version of GODZILLA VERSUS MOTHRA, for example, had a character and an action sequence that you could swear was from Indiana Jones. This film borrows heavily from STAR WARS, X-MEN, and especially THE MATRIX. So much so that in one scene you'll start rolling your eyes. Still I really liked this film despite all that.

So go seek out this film on import DVD or in your local arthouse theatre. And if nothing else I've said convinces you...then how about this...

...Japanese Godzilla versus American Godzilla. Nuff said.

(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine" and will crush your house!)

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LAND OF THE DEAD
starring Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento,Simon Pegg, Tom Savini
directed by George Romero, Color, , 2005

Distributed by Universal Pictures
Film Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

Well, the wait was worth it, as far as I'm concerned. George Romero finally delivers the latest chapter in his zombie saga and what he delivers is a cool, intelligent, gory stab at Bush's post-9/11 America.

Romero's films, and his zombie films in particular, have always been reflections of their times. On the surface they are intense, perfectly calculated horror films, but underneath all the grue, the Man's always got something to say.

Land of the Dead posits an America where humans have finally quarantined themselves in their own makeshift metropolises, and the zombies are relegated to the ghettos. And the zombies are none too happy about it. They are evolving: they are learning rudimentary methods of communication, how to use tools, and how to use weapons. And they know who their enemies are.

Land is a natural and logical extension (conclusion?) to what Romero has been building all along. And for the most part, it delivers the goods. It isn't a film without faults, and the verdict is still out (for myself) on where this one will ultimately stand in the pantheon. I saw it twice opening night and liked it even more the second time. However, I also noticed more of its weaknesses.

I don't want to nitpick. Time will tell with this film, as it did with all the others, what exactly it will mean to those who see it. Romero's commentary on modern society and political structures is quite caustic and may be a tad too obvious in spots (for instance, a scene where a zombie impales the window of a limousine with a gas-nozzle is an unsubtle jab at our current “relations” with Iraq) but after absorbing the film on the second go around, these overt “messages” added much to my appreciation for the film, if perhaps I was a little uneasy about them the first time.

As with Day of the Dead this chapter may prove to be unpopular now, but grow in stature as it ages. I think it will. It will never reach the brilliance of Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, but that's a lot to live up to. Day suffered the same arrows of persecution upon its initial release, but has now become a favorite amongst fans (myself included; in fact, as much as people hiss at me for saying this, I prefer watching Day to Dawn).

So this zombie aficionado is pleased. In fact, I can't wait to see it again. And I've heard many rumors about the uncut version, none of which I have been able to verify, so I eagerly await to see whatever goodies George & Co. have in store.

Land of the Dead is a winner. Imperfect or not. Romero rules. Whether he makes another zombie flick or not, at least he got to do this one. Thank God for that.

Long live the Pittsburgh Undead!!!

(Ryan Lies is a No-Fi Staffwriter and loves John Leguizombie.)

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RED EYE
starring Rachel McAdams, Cillian Murphy, Brian Cox, directed by Wes Craven, Color, , 2005

Distributed by Dreamworks
Film Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

Let’s be honest, Craven has made his share of questionable films. Coming from the man who gave us such classics as Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, A Nightmare On Elm Street, The Serpent and the Rainbow, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare and, arguably, Scream, movies like Vampire in Brooklyn, Deadly Friend, Shocker and Cursed, while fun in some ways, just don’t hold a candle.

I had some sort of hope for Red Eye. A politically-charged, killer-thriller set on an airplane, in this day and age of terrorism, starring one of my current favorite actors (Cillian Murphy) and directed by a man who, when he’s on, knows how to pull out all the stops. Cursed blew, and I knew that Craven wasn’t happy about it all the interference he received making it (plus, having to make the movie twice!) so I expected his follow-up to be a lean, mean exercise in what he does best (perhaps with a slight commercial bent.)

But no, what I got was a tired, generic rehash of every other horror/thriller ever made. And when I say GENERIC, I mean it! If you’ve seen even five horror movies or suspense thrillers in the last ten years, then you will have this entire movie pegged from the start. I’m not kidding. There’s not a single surprise to store. This is what is known in Hollywood as a “high concept” movie: any movie that can be summed up in one sentence. “Girl on airplane is held hostage by an assassin, who is using her father as collateral to get something he needs to carry out his mission.” There you go.

What a waste. Then again, I got to see it for free at a sneak preview, so I can’t complain too much. Although they also assaulted me with the trailer for a completely awful looking Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy called Just Like Heaven (in which they played THE CURE song of the same name, further raising my ire). I was literally leaning over to my girlfriend the whole time Red Eye was playing, and we were calling the next shots out, and we were NEVER in error. “Oh, honey, here’s where that one thing they showed a couple of scenes ago pays off” .... “And here’s where the guy you thought was dead stands up and saves the one chick ...” “I bet you the one thing that was pissing her off at the start of the movie will be used to humorous effect in the denouement.”

And YUP, it was. Only it wasn’t very hilarious. A waste of talent in front of and behind the camera. And waste of your time in the seat.

Red Eye ... Intense, crowd-pleasing, inoffensive, PG-13 thriller ... Just add water.

Hollywood has lost it, folks. Movies coming out nowadays (for the most part) are total crap. You know it, I know it. Even a stalwart genre specialist like Wes Craven can’t even get anything worthwhile onto the screens. And I don’t really blame him for Red Eye sucking so bad. Any goodness in the movie is there due to him (and there a couple tense little moments), and I’m sure he did this film for some extra cash, and after the fiasco of Cursed who can blame them. I love Craven and know he will knock another one out of the park very soon. But he needs to turn his nose up at shit like this. It’s beneath him, and his fans are starting to tired of it. Come on, Wes. Grab a couple grand, go into the desert and make something raw, evil and bloody! We know you still got it in you. Hollywood is robbing you of your balls, man. Get out while you still can!!!!!

If audience response is any indication (at least when I saw it) it should do OK at theaters. People seemed to buy into the movie and were jumping and screaming and clapping. Obviously, these people had never seen a movie before, because even the humor and dramatic parts were as predictable as the “thriller” aspects. I couldn’t believe were eating this up as much as they were. It really depressed me. No one will give a dime to Land of the Dead, an intelligent AND scary horror film, but they’ll eat this generic garbage up like cheap popcorn.

I’m just angry at the state of Hollywood movies these days and I wrote this review more to vent my vitriol, if you will. I’ll more than likely forget I even saw this movie by tomorrow, so .... yeah.

So it goes. And there it went.

SERENITY is fresh satisfaction.

I'm a nerd.  I didn't wait in line for STAR WARS, but I waited four hours to buy tickets to a Serenity sneak-screening and another four to get halfway decent seats.  I waited 30 years for the last Star-Wars and was overjoyed to find it didn't suck as much as the last two.  I waited two years for SERENITY and was overjoyed to find it kicked-ass!

The last film I reviewed was STRANGERS WITH CANDY due out this fall.  I loved the television show but had a lukewarm response to the film.  Now, another canceled television show is making the leap to the silver screen. 

FIREFLY received pretty decent ratings while it aired, but it ended up not turning as high a profit margin as the less popular no-budget Fox reality shows that replaced it. 

I never watched the television show FIREFLY while it was originally on the air.  I could never get past what has to be the most god-awful and misapplied theme song to ever run over titles.  The title theme for that ENTERPRISE show also comes to mind.  For a year or two, I had a friend nagging me to watch his FIREFLY DVDs.  I was deterred by the fact the show was created by Joss “Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer & Angel” Whedon.  I never really enjoyed his past credits and I was apprehensive about watching his new sci-fi show. While I have sat through many episodes of STAR TREK and seen the movies.  I find those shows formulaic and dull and the characters to be flat and stunted.  Even worse than STAR TREK, we have Earth: Final Conflict, Stargate: SG1, Battlestar Galactica,  Earth 2, Andromeda etc.  I can't stand any of ‘em.  In my mind, I assumed FIREFLY would be something between Andromeda and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and steered clear. 

Well, when I broke down and watched FIREFLY, not only was I glad to learn I could skip past the opening theme, I actually enjoyed the show.  While I had problems with some of the show's “western” concepts being a bit heavy handed.  For the most part, the show felt like a breeze of fresh sci-fi air.  The DVD set contains 14 episodes, just enough for one to become involved and invested with the characters and the storylines.  After watching the DVDs I was left wanting more.  Despite the plot driven episodes, the ongoing series is all character driven and that is what makes it more successful than all those other crap sci-fi TV shows.

SERENITY is the film version of the television show. The movie is fast-paced.  The dialogue is sharp.  And luckily, the film wraps-up nearly all of the major hanging TV storylines in a satisfying bow.  While some of the production value seemed to remain in the television realm, the script ventured into some unsullied and delightful territory. 

I walked out the movie with a wide grin.  It lived up to all my expectations.  The film stayed true to the characters and brought closure to all my nagging concerns.

I am not sure how folks who never saw the TV show will receive this film.  I think SERENITY does a decent job giving enough back-story to follow the plot, but I wonder how invested strangers to the story will become in one sitting.  Regardless of what you bring to it, the film is undeniably entertaining.

I must suggest that you check out the DVDs and then see the movie in September for the full effect.  Just be sure to skip the opening credits.   

SERENITY is due out September 30, 2005 from Universal (after Fox dropped it).  It will probably get a PG-13 rating

(Roger Boxx is a writer for No-Fi "Magazine"
nd some people call him The Space Cowboy)

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STAR WARS
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
starring Hayden Christiansen, Ewan McGregor, directed by George Lucas, Color, , 2005

Distributed by 20th Century Fox
Film Reviewed By: Ryan Lies

(Editor's note: Ryan turned this review in on time, but it took a couple months to get the new issue out. By now you've probably heard of a film called Star Wars: Revenge Of The SIth, but just in case

First off, I should just clear a couple things up right away, so there is no grumbling from the masses later on when you realize that this review for Episode III is completely gushing and sycophantic.

I love Star Wars unconditionally. I realize all the films have their weak points and silly points (especially Phantom Menace and Return of the Jedi) but I love them all anyway. I love them like I love the children I'm never going to have.

Jar Jar Binks does NOT bother me, I think Hayden Christensen is a good actor, and I have no problem with the rampant CGI. So deal with it. I love these movies and they love me.

And as far as Episode III goes, I think Lucas outdid himself this time around. Whatever lackluster directorial voice he may have exhibited during the previous two installments, I think he more than made up for it this time out.

Episode III is the best picture of the year in my eyes. It never lets up, and, in my opinion, it hardly ever trips up. I have seen it thrice so far and each time it gets better. Even Vader's “Noooooooooo!” gets easier to stomach. (In fact, now I really like that scene and have problems with it at all.)

I could sit here and get into the plot and how it ties up all loose ends and sets up everything for Episode IV but what's the point? You know where it goes, and you know what happens next. And there are some surprises in Episode III and I don't wish to ruin them for those of you living under a rock who haven't actually seen it yet.

The battle scenes crackle and rage. The violence is shocking and brutal (way to go George on that Anakin by the volcano scene!). The characters (besides Padme) really get a chance to breathe. Especially Obi Wan and Anakin. This is really their show.

Yoda kicks even more ass this time around. The Emperor is completely evil and practically steals the show from Obi Wan and Anakin. And R2-D2 ... wow! He's nuts in this flick! Totally outrageous. In fact, I take back everything I said, R2 steals the show from everyone!

The ending is as dramatic and emotionally draining as I wanted it to be. I was almost in tears when Obi Wan and Anakin finally face off. And when Anakin finally dons his Vader masks, I was ALL goose bumps. It was stunning.

I could on for hours about how much this movie blew me away. But you need to see it for yourself and SOON. And if it doesn't blow you away, then you're either not a Star Wars fan or you're just a hater, and we don't need to talk about it.

For all others, this is the one folks. Just as good as Empire. Just as great as it needs to be and more. Lucas can rest assured, his series ended with a bang AND a whimper ... and I mean that in a good way.

Long live the bearded one and his FORCE.