presents
TOTALLY NOT...
An "interview" but not "THE interview" by Sabrina Cognata
In the beginning this started out as a piece based within the search and discovery of great talent. Enter TOTALLY RADD!! A Los Angeles based band that I gave a strikingly good review to and I wanted more. More! Just a simple interview, that's all. So I contacted the band a few times. And then their drummer died of malaria (this hasn't been confirmed). And then they stopped responding altogether. Well, it was a little late to back out of doing the interview so I got a hold of my good friend Craig Arson and as we pounded back some drinks I interviewed him as he loosely channeled TOTALLY RADD!! Flakes extraordinaire!
Sabrina Cognata: Ok, let's begin. The first couple of questions will be lame, but I want to get them out of the way so we can move onto the weird stuff.
Craig Arson: Ok. Lame to weird, let's go.
SC: How long have you been "musicians" and moreover "artists"?
CA: Well we all know that the two aren't one and the same. I mean.... Master P is an artist, but is no musician. Hans Zimmer is a musician, but no artist. To mix both, you have to be able to perform both art and music. I think we've been both since the inception, so about 4 years now. Although we are musicians first and foremost.
SC: How did you come up with the name "Totally Radd!!"?
CA: TOTALLY RADD!! takes the whole modern lexicon to the extreme. Every other product is "totally" something, you know, "totally" new Frosted Flakes, and "Radd" new Old Spice. It's just a play on the modern abuse of the English language.
SC: Welcome to America.
CA: Exactly.
SC: Before the band there were three guys. What is the story behind the meeting of these guys?
CA: How did we meet? Let me tell you. I was working at a local donut shop, and the other two guys were pranksters. So one night they were doing a prank that involved having the police search their cars, on purpose, only to find a bunch of donuts. So I supplied the donuts, they supplied the balls, and ever since them we've been brothers. Subsequently, I found out that I'm a great musician, and they are great band members.
SC: (Inaudible laughing) Fucking fantastic. So, in the future, where do you see your music heading?
CA: I see our music leading us right to the grave. The last thing we want to be is like the fucking ROLLING STONES. I don't want to be some fucking 70 year old on a stage. I'd much rather die young, like Sid and Nancy, and let our young death define our peak.
SC: Using 8-bit drops from original Nintendo has inspired a vast array of songs such as "Mike Tyson's Punchout". Do you think that you can continue in that direction without having your musical stlye end up 'over done'?
CA: Sure we can. It's not about the game station; it's about a period in all of our lives. A period when video games and stolen cigarettes were the very essence of our existence. Hustler magazine and George Michael videos taught us about love and sex. Punch Out taught us about fighting some French douche bag with a glass jaw. We are writing about life, not about video games. Video games are just a medium through which that period is communicated. It's just a medium of the time period, not the only medium.
SC: (Inaudible laughing. Possibly a snort.) The song "dressed up" is about a cross dresser dealing with the reactions of his family and girlfriend. What inspired this?
CA: Well, our drummer is fucking whack and likes to do crazy things. And no matter what your life was growing up, if you were the nerd, the jock, or the freak, you did shit that weirded out your parents. We all did. And dressing in drag is just an extreme example of the threat of that experience. So the song is about freaking out the norms, and overcoming them. Cross dressing is just an easy way to personify that transformation. But it could mean anything. From smoking Newports to reading Kamisar.
SC: Word association time. I am going to say a word and you say the first song/band that it makes you think of. Ready?
CA: Go.
SC: Yellow.
CA: Fucking VELVET UNDERGROUND.
SC: Broccoli.
CA: All of Jazz. It hurts, but it is healthy.
SC: Chinese.
CA: Booty Rap. They are the enemy, and we all know it.
SC: Photographs.
CA: SEETHER. They are something that happened in the past, and is no more, but they still fucking hang around.
SC: Knocking out your front teeth.
CA: Kid Rock.... it's worth doing, but god help me, it hurts.
SC: Hurting.
CA: Salsa. It just sucks.
SC: Caesar salad.
CA: WILCO. It looks good and healthy, but, really, it is not. It's horrible.
SC: Caterpillars.
CA: Tom Jones. Because he sucks but goddamnit he's cool.
SC: Here comes the best of the weird stuff. Ok?
CA: Ready.
SC: You're in a bar, a Unicorn walks in and takes the bar stool next to you. In the morning you wake up in the stall with said Unicorn and have obviously had sexual relations with him/her/it. How do you proceed to blow it off?
CA: "Look.... you are great. I love you. But I don't believe you exist. So either you do, and I'm nuts, or you don't, and I've just made you up. Either way, you don't want me around. Later."
SC: What if it was a Satyr, therefore making it in to not only a mythical creature, but also a male. What happens when you cross the specie line and the gay line in the same night?
CA: I would stab it in the heart, bury it, and claim that I slept with Joan Cusack. And I would be committing a hate crime and animal cruelty all at once. NEW RECORD!
SC: I am going to give you three names, you've gotta tell me which you would fuck, muder or marry:
CA: GO!
SC: Ryan Cabrera, Ashley Simpson, Pete Yorn.
CA: Murder Cabrera, Fuck Ashley Simpson, and marry Pete Yorn in a sexless marriage.
SC: Ryan Cabrera deserves to die. Are you drunk enough yet?
CA: I'm getting there.
SC: Good. I'm sick of asking questions. TOTALLY RADD!! You're totally lame.
TOTALLY RADD!! can be heard on their debut album on Retard Disco(an actually very cool record label) and every attempt to do the interview within the deadline was made.
The End!
