Noticing that the film Roadhouse has been making the rounds on cable once again, I thought that perhaps it was time to make a definitive list of little everyday things you can do to help you be a total bad-ass like those guys you see in the movies, at your school, or even at your local waterslide park. I'm not saying that you need to do all of these things, but the more you do the closer you'll be to total bad-assmanship in just a few days...
• Park your car (preferably a truck or hummer) in such an angle that the two spaces next to you at the Mall parking lot are rendered unusable.• When you walk away from your car (and it has a remote locking system)... Walk away from your car in tough steps that would look great in slow motion. Don't look back as you walk away from it. Make
sure your head is slightly down to that your are looking up just under your brow straight ahead of you. Once you are at least 10 feet away, reach out with your keys to your side and click the security remote to lock your car. You didn't even look! That is so badass!• Laugh out loud with your hands on your hips when using the urinal. This applies to gals too.
• So you're playing Axis And Allies, the WWII strategy board game, with your friends. This is a particularly tough session and has taken days to play. You're playing the Germans and things aren't going your way after a series of bad spins. Hey, it ain't YOUR fault. Why should your so-called friends prosper because of luck? Well, guess what? Guess who is going to flip the board and and the hundreds of pieces on top of it over, causing everything to fly through the air and onto the ground? That's right... You! Nobody expected that and you know what that means? You WON! And you'll do it again the next time too!
• When ordering a Cafe Mocha from your local Starbucks, they'll probably ask you if you want whip cream on that. Shout out "No! Whipped cream is for PUSSIES!!! Har Har Har Har!!!" Nudge whoever is behind you in line with your elbow a few times to be sure they get the joke.
• Everytime your friends mention some new indie band that nobody has heard of yet, say, "Sucks!" Also works if you just THINK it. They'll know.
• Go around town with an old white t-shirt that says "I'm Mean-Ass!" Why not "I'm Bad-Ass" you say? Listen, no REAL Bad-Ass is going to just up and say "I'm Bad-Ass" to anyone who asks. So if you wear a shirt that says "I'm Mean-Ass!" people are more likely to come up to you and ask why it says that. Then you can show them by pushing them into some nearby bushes. Now they'll know that you were just playing with them and are actually a Bad-Ass. Losers. (Bonus points if you never wash the shirt.)• Everytime you pass by a baby carriage, laugh and point.
• Write a series of books based on the characters from the film Roadhouse.
• Cut in line whenever possible. Especially at church. God doesn't reward jerks who can't keep their place in line.
• Drive up to a girl walking down the street and try to pick up on her. If she turns you down, yell out "Just Kidding!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha har har hah!!!" as you drive away.
• Three words: Wrestling. Wrestling. Wrestling. The more you work it into your life, the better.
• NEVER forget the power of a steely gaze. Practice in the mirror to to your mom.
• ALWAYS be ready with a witty remark. Remember that scene in Roadhouse where he says, "It's MY way...or the highway!" You need to be able to retort to anything that yelled out at you (usually things like "idiot", "what a jerk", and "what a jerky idiot jerk!"). If someone says something like that to you, just say something clever back. It may not come to you right away. It may even take several minutes. Don't worry. Those losers will wait.• Being able to laugh at life is very important. And it is especially important to be able to laugh at other's lives. It's the only way to keep the pain away. The pain of not being able to be good enough to one or both of your parents...
