"Run  For Your Lives!
Here Comes The Lady In The Water!"
by: Roger Boxx


Way the hell back in 1999, which really doesn't seem that long ago to me, a sign I am getting old, everyone was raving about a great film from a hot new director.  I enjoyed The Sixth Sense.  It was well made, the acting was above average, and the plot had a fun and satisfying twist.  I recall lots of people claiming to have figured out the twist early on in the film, but I was not one of those people.  I was suckered in and it was fun. 

The ads for Unbreakable didn't appeal to me.  After seeing a few trailers, I had put it on my “To Rent” list.  I solicited reviews from friends and family who had seen the film and on more than one occasion I was told something to the effect: “I really didn't like it, but I think you would love it.”  I later came to learn they recommended the film to me because of my childhood infatuation with comic books.  When I finally got around to watching Unbreakable, I cringed at the insulting and denigrating homage to comic books.  It clearly was not written by anyone who ever actually read a comic book after 1965.  The comic book references were not the least of the movie's foibles.  Unbreakable had a decent production value, but the crappy movie made my brain hurt.  I hated it and I loved complaining about how awful it was to everyone who could stand to listen.  Unbreakable made The Sixth Sense, in retrospect, seem like a worse movie than it had been.  If you've seen Unbreakable, it would be insulting of me to assume that you need for me to point out why the film sucked and if you haven't seen the film, you are wiser than I. 

When the trailers for M. Night Shyamalan's Signs (at this point his name became part of the title of his films) started pooping up, they peeked my dubious curiosity.  I began to rationalize to myself:  The Sixth Sense was good entertainment.  Maybe he's learned his lesson after Unbreakable.  I'm sure lots of M’s friends have pointed out his failure…etc.”  Needless to say, I hated M. Night Shyamalan's Signs more than Unbreakable.  The aliens could navigate through light-years of space and time, but the only way they could communicate with each other was by leaving crop-circle notes?  And don't get me started about why, knowing that water was like acid to their DNA, they decided to mount their attack on earth nude.  Oh, I almost forgot about the horrendous and pitiful theological message!  Ugh.  It makes me cringe just thinking about it.  Once again, it was well made.  I mean to say, the film had a great production value, but the movie was so bad.

Okay, we all know the saying: “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.”  You're asking yourself, “Why does this jackass keep going to M. Night's movies if he hates them so much?”  I swore I wouldn't see M. Night Shyamalan's The Village.  The trailers looked good and I started to convince myself that a guy who knew the craft of film-making so well would eventually stumble back onto the path with a good script.  Shame on me.  Most of us did figure out the “twist” in this movie early on.  It made us panic.  It made us pray, “Dear alien gods from M. Night Shyamalan's Signs, please don't make the twist be that there are no monsters and these people are living in isolation in present day.”  M. Night Shyamalan's The Village had great performances from the cast.  Once again, M. Night managed to achieve impressive production values… But the story...  The script… Offensive. Insulting. Painful.  Excruciating.  Another terrible, terrible movie.   

I think M. Night Shyamalan's Signs achieved the most profound degree of transgression.  I hate that movie in many ways on many levels.  Few movies can compete with this film's caliber of suck.  Anybody can make a crap movie, but to excel in craft and budget while failing miserably with script… that really requires a special kind of fuck-up.  Other than M. Night's own resume, the films that can HOPE to rival M. Night Shyamalan's Signs for title as a few of the biggest failures of talent:

Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001)
Batman & Robin (1997)
Crow: City of Angels (1996)
Lost In Space (1998)
Natural Born Killers (1994)
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (1999)
Titanic (1997)
Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me (1992)
Armageddon (1998)
Moulin Rouge (2001)
The Godfather Part III (1990)
 
Obviously, there are many inferior movies out there (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective- When Nature Calls, Cool as Ice, Miss Congeniality, Bicentennial Man, Battlefield Earth, Wild Wild West, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Avengers, Eddie and the Cruisers II: Eddie Lives, House of the Dead, Baby Geniuses, Howard the Duck, Under the Cherry Moon… etc.) but the above list includes the titles of failures, films that had the potential to be something much more.  Nobody can see any potential in the film, Anaconda.  So, there is no frustration while watching it.  Anaconda delivers exactly what is expected as it fails on every level.  After The Sixth Sense, M. had given us hope that he could make a high-quality movie.  Even while we watch his subsequent films, we can glimpse his talent as a film maker.  So when his films suck so horribly hard, it is exasperating.  -- I must confess, I have not seen the director's first two films, Praying with Anger or Wide Awake (starring Rosie O'Donnell).  Perhaps if I had seen these early works, it would have better prepared me for the suck that is M. Night's movie making.  I have no plans to view these films. 

On July 21st, 2006, the world will be subject to yet another of Manoj Night Shyamalan's nightmares: Lady In The Water (notice his name is not part of the title).  I will not be seeing this film.  This film can receive two thumbs up and I will not see this film.  This film can win the best picture at the Golden Globes and the Academy Award along with the Palme d’Or at the Festival de Cannes and I will not see it.  This film can be on over 100 critic's top ten movies lists for 2006 and I will not see this film.    Everyone I know can testify that this is the best film they have ever seen and I will not see this film.  A man has to have principles.  I don't have many.  One of my new principles:  I will not see any film written by M. Night Shyamalan. 

If you have the opportunity to see Lady In The Water,...god help you.

While it doesn't wholly reflect my taste in film, because some were gifted, one can get an idea of my film taste from my DVD library:

http://www.dvdaficionado.com/dvds.html?cat=1&id=quasilucid


(Roger Boxx is a contributing writer to No-Fi "Magazine"
and may be debating Chris Beyond on the film Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me soon)