starring Riley Mason, Joanna Angel, Justine Joli, James Deen, Veronica Hart, Sierra Sinn
directed by Eon McKai, , distributed by VCA Pictures

I think it was a couple months ago when somebody told me that a bunch of bands who have been interviewed and/or featured in No-Fi "Magazine" or on No-Fi "Radio" were going to be featured in a porno movie and I was very surprised. "Really?!? GRAVY TRAIN!!!!, BEDROOM WALLS, and THE PONYS are letting their music be used in a porno flick?" That in itself is pretty revolutionary. Little did I know that the movie that they would be featured in would be revolutionary too.

So I contacted both the director Eon McKai (whose interview you'll find in this same issue) and VCA Pictures and was promptly send a copy for review. Mind you, back in the days when we were a paper magazine, we reviewed kitchy porn all the time. But we're talking reeeeally silly porn produced in the 70's that were more entertaining for their bizarro silliness than the sex scenes (which we always fast forwarded through... I know, we're weird). I have to say that I didn't expect much from this film other than the amazing fact that it featured music that we were into.

I can't believe it...When Amy Voorhees and I reviewed this film...we actually liked it...from start to finish.

So start the DVD and the credits roll. I realize that one of the actresses added herself to the No-Fi "Magazine" Myspace page. Or at least somebody working for her did. Small world...sorta'.

Neu Wave Hookers is a sort-of remake, but not really, of the original film by the directors known as The Dark Brothers called New Wave Hookers. It's really more inspired by the original rather than an actual remake. And, NO, that isn't a typo... They DID switch the original "W" with a "U." Given the reputation that the "W" has gotten with our current political administration, it's totally understandable.

This is evident when the film begins with two gals being molested by a creepy old man which transitions into those same two girls looking at stuff at a yard sale. An older woman comes up to them and shows them sold old porn videos she also has on sale including the original New Wave Hookers. When one of the girls calls her friend a slut she tells her, "I'm not a slut. I'm a New Wave Hooker."  So they go back to their place and watch it with friends.  One of them states, "Well, we're all basically hookers anyways."

We then see a scene where one of the gals is about to have sex with an old man, but she doesn't feel comfortable and the fact that he has kids older than her doesn't help. The scene where he begs her to have sex with him seems to be shot in real time as Amy says. I think gay men would love this film and would probably even masturbate to the girls.

We are then thrust into a whole other scene taking place at a club where one of the girls realizes that the male go-go dancers are only being nice to them in order to get more money. Ok, so then we are treated to a mini music video featuring music by THE PONYS that doesn't last very long and is followed by another song that while nice, is certainly not as good as the track by THE PONYS. I was so excited by that particular song as we've played it on No-Fi "Radio" before. A sex scene follows that is actually impressive for this film because it takes 21 minutes before the first sex scene takes place in the film. It's shot in a glamour meets pin-up shot fashion, sorta like how the photos looked in PENTHOUSE magazine. You get the standard vaginal and anal in several positions, but the sex does go on a little longer than I'd prefer, but I'm old school like that I guess. (Plus we're not masturbating while watching this.) We did note that Joanna Angel sounds like a warthog while having sex, but looks nothing like Ron Jeremy (and she's awake too).

We cut to another hotel room style scene where the same creepy old guy is trying to have sex with another girl. I was a little grossed out when he fondled her panties and we see that she was a brownish wet spot in the front, although her character is crying and upset over "having a bad day." Actually she looks like she wants to throw up. Like the first girl, she tells him that she wants to go to the bathroom in order to get away from him. She meets her friend back at home where she claims to be a good slut. Ok, I'm glad that she didn't have to have sex with that guy, but in effect doesn't that make her a BAD slut? Well, just saying.

While watching the next scene where a couple are going at it on a kids swing set and slide, Amy noted the backdrop and said she wanted to live in the Dropcloth Jungle. Amy feels this whole scene is childish and thought the guy's penis looked like a water weenie, but not in a good way…only because he was jiggling it around. The gal looks like she's swallowing a hogie sez East Coast Amy. She also notes that the playground setting is gross because the gal is being screwed over a baby chair. The guy definitely doesn't look like a porn star. Amy sez he instead looks like a nebbish. His testicles actually look erect which is very strange. Now that I think of it, I think the guy (who goes by the name James Deen) looks like James Franco from the Spider-man films. If they put him in a Spider-man porn parody, they can call his character The Green Gobbler.

I think the sex positions on the swing are interesting, but as Amy said, it looks like the gal's back would go out.

Amy: So we cut back to creepy old guy and he's finally getting it on with the more accepting dark meat gal in the SEX PISTOLS skirt.  You can tell she's got good taste…all over her face.  Hooray for creepy guy. (Chris notes that the gal doesn't actually get sperm on her face, but I say, "No, but it's still awesome."...and I like THE CRAMPS).

Chris: The next scene is a full-on music video featuring music by DIRTY SANCHEZ (the song is called "Dig It") and it is the best scene in the movie yet. The two male performers (both seeming to be in their twenties, unlike most modern porn out there, it seems) sing the song to the camera and the camera cuts frantically between… The guy in the cool shades has a big Aqua Teen Hunger Force tattoo and Amy thinks that's even radder than the bumblebee tights that they had ripped up off the girl earlier in the scene.

The next scene is a montage of the gals getting dressed in various "neo-new wavey" outfits. This is really the first time you really see their full bodies and they really are cute, I have to admit. No fake boobs, no fake blonde hair, and they seem like you'd be able to carry some kind of conversation with them. We learn that they plan to break into VCA Pictures and that's what they do. The offices seem pretty underwhelming, but that's when we finally get to hear GRAVY TRAIN!!!!'s track in the film, which is the song "Hella Nervous" from their debut CD. Going through the VCA files, the gals learn the (true story) of how one of The Dark Brothers, the directors of the original New Wave Hookers, discovered Traci Lords and cast her in the original film (which had to be pulled and recut after it was learned that she was underage). This meeting is sort of acted out on screen (as I imagine that this meeting didn't take place on a high school play set). Amy defends the backdrop saying that there is a car wash sign and a cardboard toilet to represent the bathroom that Traci and the director had sex in. Anyway, it's a little weird to see a scene in which the girl is SUPPOSED to be underage (although the actress portraying Traci is not).

Another scene and Amy is disturbed by all the hose ripping going on. At first I thought she meant "Hoes" but she was talking about the things being ripped from their legs. Amy and I discuss the way this film is shot. I think that the film almost seems feminine with all the emphasis on the guys in the film and loving shots of the penis. Amy feels the film is pretty metrosexual which I can't argue with. I still find myself switching over to the director's commentary during the long sex scenes. Anyway during this scene featuring two gals and a guy, the short haired girl is wearing converse and therefore I am impressed.

So the next scene has Aqua Teen guy (Kurt Lockwood, I think) lip-synching the song "Orgasmatron" while all the girls in the film make out with each other. And by make-out, yes, I do mean totally have lesbian sex with each other. One of the gals has nipples piercing with keys hanging from them which Amy thought was a good idea. Basically, the film ends in a total female orgy...just like in real life.

So the film ends and "Sad Eyes" by THE PONYS plays over the credits. I recognize another name on the credits as a "friend of a friend" but I've never met her in person thus wouldn't have recognized her anyway.

Amy: I'd like to say that I enjoyed this film in spite of its cruel and unusual punishment of pantyhose (such a senseless waste).  I should qualify this statement by adding that this enjoyment is due entirely to some dude having an Aqua Teen Hunger Force tattoo.  That alone makes me wet.  Also, one of the enterprising lassies on display taught me about a handy place to keep my car keys if I don't feel like carrying a purse. Check it out. Also, the commentary is a little confusing if you happen to be a fan of Ian McKaye…

Chris: All I have to add is that, for my tastes, the sex scenes are a little long, but I understand that, yeah, that's for the normal porn fans who require it. The editing and pace are great though and I even liked the dialogue which is more important to me then any of the sex between it. So, ok, we got the film covered. Now I have to talk about the design. The DVD box... Wow. I've designed a couple adult film boxes before and I gotta say that, in my professional and totally independent opinion, I've never seen a modern porn flick with box design that holds up to my own until this and the last Eon McKai film we reviewed Art School Sluts. Eon seems to be very aware that a great package can sell a movie and have you stand out above the rest of the dregs that just slap on some naked stars on the cover with scenes from the film on the back. The box contains THREE (!!!) DVDS which include the main feature, a behind the scenes disc, and the third contains the original New Wave Hookers sans the Traci Lords scenes that made he film illegal in its uncut version. I started watching that original version too, but ended up fastforwarding through it so much that I ended up getting through the entire film in 15 minutes. This "NEW" Neu Wave Hookers far surpasses the original that inspired it...and considering that the original was considered to be one of the best of its time, that's saying a lot.

In summary, this is a modern porn flick that you can actually watch with friends just as Amy and I did. It was surprising, entertaining, and NOT gross (except for the scenes with the creepy old guy that were meant to be). I don't think this film is going to make up want to watch more modern porn, but it will make us look out to see what this particular director is going to do next. And that can only mean good things for Mr. Eon McKai.