I used to dream that my bed was a robot, and whenever I was about to sleep the bed would swallow me and digest me into robotic turd-dom. But now i've come to realize that not all robots are evil, and they don't all want to eat me. This robot... This heroic, sexy robot, has done so much for civilization, all while staying totally grounded.
Ha, get it? Grounded? Like the powerplugs, that third plug that stops people from getting electricuted? Yeah, well, I laughed at that little ditty of a joke.
The Art of Bleeding, is a sensational showcase, that goes above the realm of entertainment and into the realm of education. Where else can you see a Safety Ape and a smooth playboy robot rock and roll with a bunch of hot gals?
Nowhere. That's where.
Ladies and gentlemen, RT the ROBOT TEACHER!
GF = Garrett Faber (The Interviewer) RT = RT The Teacher Robot (Safety Mascot)
GF: What was your robotic childhood like?
RT: Well, of course robots do not experience a childhood in the human fashion, but we do go through a developmental series of body upgrades. The head that I use today was formerly connected to a different, smaller starter body. Oversized head elicits nurturing responses in humans, so I was often getting caressed. I came to expect a great deal of caressing in life. I still do.
GF: Were your parents republicans?
RT: I didnt have parents in the human sperm-and-egg sense, but my designers were certainly opposed to right-wing conservatism. Thats why I can say the word sperm without a trace of shame. Also the word aureolas.
GF: What training did you get in your robotic know-it-all-ism?
RT: All of my body functions (balance, walking, object perception, etc.) were pre-programmed. My general scientific and cultural knowledge database more or less replicates that of a spoiled suburban undergrad, and includes quite a number of factual errors that make me feel more human. For instance, I do not know the names of any world leaders other than George Bush and Tony Blair, and that other guy with the eye patch and cybnernetic power-arm, who I guess is more like a world leader wannabe. Naturally my grasp of True Safety Consciousness and matters of emergency medicine is more complete and was the result of a memorable knowledge card installation performed in the laboratories at the Art of Bleeding compound out near Joshua Tree. I still tremble when I think about that night. Its hard to understand if you havent been through it yourself.
GF: Have you gone to any wild parties with werewolves and sea-creatures?
RT: Uh, no, but my colleague Abram the Safety Ape took me a party of safety mascots where Smokey the Bear got really drunk, and Woodsy Owl's Ferrari got scratched in the parking lot, and everyone thought it was McGruff the Crime Dog because Woodsy showed up with this Blu the Fox whom McGruff had been dating.
GF: Do you have any comments about that fact that a certain "Queen of The Underworld" has a crush on you?
RT: I would like to hear more about that. She should send me an email at my personal account: RT@artofbleeding.com. Then we can IM.
GF: How did you get involved with The Art Of Bleeding?
RT: Well, actually I was originally built as a library unit by an eccentric investor with a passion for books. I was a catalog and shelf bot. Thats why I can assign a Dewey Decimal number to any book on sight, any media form actually papyrus scrolls, high school musical programs, parking tickets, or those flexi discs that youd get on the back of cereal boxes anything! The trick is just extrapolating to enough digits. Anyway, this collector was especially devoted to childrens books, and would often share his private collections with visiting school groups and kids from the community. Thats why I was designed with this non-threatening child-friendly form. One day Abram the Safety Ape brought The Magic Ambulance to the library to do a safety presentation for a childrens reading group. That was the day the library burned down, so I was very lucky to find work right away with my new friend Abram.
GF: What metals and alloys and circuits comprise a distinguished gentleman like yourself?
RT: Oh, I don't think you'd really be interested. It's really rather complicated. Ive been told parts of me are biodegradable. I'm really not sure which ones. Once a centipede got inside my main cooling unit through a hole in the insulation. It was really irritating at first, but then if I just made myself relax, I began to find the sensation pleasant.
GF: What do werewolves do if they start going bald?
RT: I'm not sure, but you see if there's anything on that in "The Werewolf" by Montague Summers, Dewey Decimal Number: 133.1 S955-2.
GF: How do you feel that The Art of Bleeding helps the masses?
RT: The Art of Bleeding Foundation provides an inestimable service by acquainting the public with the principals of True Safety Consciousness. Our Health and Safety programs go far beyond the usual lessons in CPR, splints, and bandages, and the like. 
Programs like those offered by the Red Cross can only teach the conscious mind, but we teach the unconscious mind. Thats why the nurses often end up taking off their clothes. Girl's breasts send a very strong invisible message to the unconscious mind. They are like microwave towers, kind of, or garage door openers. They open the gateways of consciousness, just like you open the door to your garage.
GF: Those nurses are hot!
RT: Yes they are. I won't say her name because I don't want to embarrass her, but I really like a particular nurse who wears braids because that reminds me of Pippi Longstocking. I learned to appreciate Miss Lindgren's Longstocking series while I was working in the library. I am able to recite each of the Longstocking novels in both English and Swedish. Actually, I like all of the nurses a great deal. I've made up Dewey Decimal numbers for each of them. It's just a game I play by myself, filing and sorting. On nights the bathroom mirrors get steamed up. They open the windows to let the steam out. No one ever knows I'm there.
GF: Any plans to produce an Art Of Bleeding Saturday morning cartoon show?
RT: As a matter of fact, yes. Cartoons are particularly well-suited for communicating with the pre-cognitive brain, and this, as I just mentioned, is the channel through which True Safety Consciousness is attained.
GF: Who is Abram dating?
RT: He thinks he's dating this gorilla he met online at SimianSingles.com, but she keeps canceling on him every time he suggests meeting for coffee. She's an orangutan anyway, so they couldnt have babies. One of the nurses has her tubes tied, but Im not telling which. Dr. Moody, the wise old handpuppet who moderates between me and Abram, performed the surgery. So it was free.
GF: Believe me, everything I say is a lie!
RT: Logical fallacy makes you all the more human. This is a precious gift you must cherish like something very fragile. A baby bird, say, or maybe the tip of a cigarette when you havent knocked the ashes off for a long time.
God bless that robot.
You can learn more about RT The Teacher Robot and The Art Of Bleeding by going to www.artofbleeding.com. Or better yet, why not take in one of their live shows when The Magic Ambulance comes to YOUR town. Better bring some gauze. And if you can't make it to a show because you are in the middle of some kind of medical emergency, share those gory details by calling The Gory Details Project where you can share some of your own medical horrors with other constantly sick people like you at 1-888-467-8535.
You can also read our interview with Abram the Safety Ape RIGHT HERE.
(Garrett Faber is a writer, artist, and gravedigger.
This is his first contribution to No-Fi "Magazine")
e-mail no-fi "magazine"
