no-fi "magazine" presents

Lecture #1: "POPEYE THE TOLERANT MAN"

Thank you all for attending. I've often wondered what it'd be like to have class. Feel free to stand or sit. Personally, I can't stand sitting and I’m pretty sure most of you can't either. If there's one thing I really can't stand it’s Intolerance. I simply refuse to put up with it. Which leads me to the subject of tonight's lecture; one of the most admirably tolerant cartoon characters ever created, Popeye.

Popeye the Sailor Man; his kitchen's a mess but he's a model vegetarian. He's eaten so much spinach he should be fed up. Yes, his type is one I'd like to see more of. I'm sure he would agree with me as he's also one-eyed.

His nemesis, Bluto, was drawn to resemble the famous duelist, Aaron Burr, who, if rumor is true, was a very cold man. When Bluto's toes turned blue he had them amputated and was rechristened, Brutus. Brutus is a more portly villain, though I do not mean to say that he was left-handed. Rather that if he were to be told by the maitre d at a restaurant, "Sir, this table is reserved," he'd reply, "That's good. I plan on eating twice."

The object of these two seamen's affection is a skinny broad (emphasis on the skinny, not the broad) named Olive Oyl. The ever-indecisive woman, she is incapable of choosing between these men based on their simple traits of Good or Bad, but rather spends time with whoever offers her glamour, glitz, or gold. You might say, money is the root of Olive Oyl.

And yet, Popeye is a very tolerant suitor. After being brushed aside he waits patiently and fruitlessly swallows his spinach at the first sign of trouble. Popeye is not just a sailor, he’s a part-time waiter. And when Popeye is sailing out on the open seas and gazes up at the starry night sky, he does not think about the stars that are out. He thinks about the stars that are on.