NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents an exerpt from
Written and Illustrated by Chris Beyond, 2007
upinshore The Wizard looked across the table sternly at the other magicians and thought of this new proposal. New magicians haven't been accepted into the guild for decades and most have grown comfortable knowing that they were the ones that the townspeople could turn to when they were in need or having an emergency. And now they would have to accept even MORE new wizards?
Gilderwisp tugged at his thinning beard and looked to Rupinshore for his answer. An uncomfortable silence had overtaken the room and this time it wasn't a spell cast by the sinister Shrub Geeargan.
Marowynk The Teenie-Tiny shifted nervously at his make-shift desk composed of a thimble and folded up piece of cardboard. If it weren't for his size, he would be the most powerful magician there. Instead he was stuck with teenie-tiny powers, but could still best the strongest of demonslugs and deadly tadpoles.
Tantark The Elder seemed bored. While the others patiently waited for an answer, he had already gone to his own magical world in the corner of his mind. There we danced with Moonlight Fairies while wearing tight silver pants. For some reason his ability to do this was what had originally qualified him to join the Guild so many years ago. Another controversial wizard was busy trying to remember the combination to his foot locker. His name was Gravinspoke and his actual magical abilities were somewhat questionable since he usually only did card tricks and sports trivia.
Faldore The Wise was also waiting for Rupinshore's answer. His part in this adventure will be more obvious later. (He's not in the rest of the story.)
Maredrist The Fallen sat in the corner waiting for this overly built up answer from Rupinshore. Or rather he lay in the corner. Ever since his battle with the Grackle, he was left both without an arm and without a torso. Still, his fighting spirit kept him going, although he often gets swept into the dustbin at the end of the night when the enchanted maids come to clean the room.
A deep voice broke the silence in the room. Samuel Jackson The Wizard spoke sharply, "Is this not the only solution to the problem of the loss of our magicians during the battle of Kramuck? I don't know what else you think we can do with the army of Demotracie ready to attack us at any moment."
"Samuel Jackson speaks wisely!" shouted Blublooblee The Unfortunate, "We are but a few magicians in a world growing more and more...uh...uh...uh...scary...yeah. Sorry."
Faxiltiptict The Mauve countered, "But the magicians had ruled peacefully and powerfully for countless years with most of the people we have now. Surely you can't expect us to take in these magic users with new ideas and fresh faces! Who knows what kind of things they'd start doing if we gave them any kind of chance to change things around here.
Faxiltiptict was laying it on a little too thick.
Rupinshore sat calmly and scanned the room, "I want to know what our newest magician thinks. What do you think Miss Ann Coulter?"
All eyes turned from the wizened wizard to the blond stone faced woman in the back of the room. She hadn't expected this question, being so new to the Guild Of Magicians.
Rupinshore continued, "You've only joined our Guild a few months ago. Do you think that we should take in any new magic users to replace our dear lost ranks? Not that they could ever truly be replaced, I mean."
Ann pushed in her lips and thought about it. This would be her first chance to speak to the Guild, not as a guest, but as an equal. She knew that whatever she had to say would carry great importance and perhaps even greater consequences if she didn't say the same thing. She shook her hair back. The lines on her long neck glistened with sweat like a trail going up the Lost Broken Spire Of Dretieve, the bump on her throat matching almost exactly the Spire's own oddly shaped north wall.
She spoke thoughtfully.
"Well, are any of them Jewish?" she asked.
The magicians all looked at each other with astonishment.
"Huh?" several of them said collectively.
"Do we know if any of the candidates for magician are Jewish?" Ann retorted smartly.
Tantark was no longer in his dreamworld and seemed confused. "I... I don't know if that matters in decisions like this," he said.
Blublooblee agreed. "I have to agree.... Yep. What...uh...Tantark said. Yeah."
Marowynk squeeked from his desk. "Rupinshore! Clearly this must be some kind of joke..." Alas, his outburst was downed out by the sound of a pencil rolling across the table.
The rest of the wizards grumbled to each anger in bursts of anger and shock.
Rupinshore raised an eyebrow. "This Guild was created so that we could all voice our opinions. Would any of my brothers here like if I said that one of our older members wasn't allowed to speak?"
The Guild settled down.
Rupinshore continued, "Now I think our young Ann didn't get to finish what she was saying. Go on, Ann."
Ann carried on, "Well thank you Rupinshore. It was a question actually that it seems none of you want to answer. I just wanted to know if any of the Magician-Squires are Jewish."
Gravinspoke answered, "Well I don't really see why that matters, but yes a few of the candidates are Jewish...but so are many of the fairies, elves, humans, and creatures here in the realm."
Ann rolled her eyes. "Ah!"
Samuel Jackson The Wizard seemed confused. "Does it really matter?"
"Well, I thought that maybe it was important to get people who were maybe a little stronger in their faiths." said Ann.
Maredrist protested. "Here now, I think Jewish magicians can be just as strong in their faith as any other religious or mystical group."
Ann crossed her arms and shot back. "Well, sure, but if they don't have a strong relationship with Christ I don't see how we can really trust these potential magicians to defend the Realm to their best abilities."
Gilderwisp injected. "My Unicorn is a Christian and I don't see him as being any better or worse than any of my friend's familiars. I just don't see your point here."
"Well, it's just my opinion and you can either take it or leave it. It's just something I feel strongly about and I can't help it if you are shocked or surprised by it," said Ann.
Rupinshore chuckled and pulled up his beard to hide his smile, but soon gained back his composure.
"I think this new blood in our fold is quite the cauldron stirrer. Point taken, Ann, but I think we'll let it go for now. We need all the help we can get after the dragon Eergah destroyed the Vancivian castles last year, cutting off a major defense point. We are just too few during a time of growing evil."
Samuel Jackson The Wizard spoke gravely, "And the Vancivian people are really not happy with the way they felt we handled their situation. They're upset that we still haven't found the evil warlock controlling the dragon."
"I put the blame squarely on the Vancivian widows. They're the ones leading the bad press against us," said Ann.
"I have to agree," said Faxiltiptict.
Rupinshore asked Ann, "What do you think is the problem with the Vancivian widows?"
Maredrist cut in. "The Vacivian widows have been through a lot. They've lost their loved ones and they just want to know what we are doing to help them and find that warlock."
"I think that they like all the attention they are getting." said Ann. "They are just trying to become famous by using their spouses' deaths to get more people on their side and make money. They'd take off their panties for anyone claiming to be a reporter if it meant just a few more minutes of fame. A lot of them are witches, you know." she added.
"Whether they are witches or not witches is no matter here!" shouted Gravinspoke. His own wife was a witch, but he dare not mention that now with Rupinshore looking so amused.
"I think you're a faggot," quipped Ann.
Rupinshore laughed out loud and stood up, motioning to Ann, "Now now now, Ann. There's no need for that here."
Ann backtracked a bit, "I'm sorry! It was a joke. If Mr. Gravenspoke has personal issues with me calling him that, that's on him. It was obviously a joke. That's my humor."
Gravenspoke grumbled and sank back into his chair.
Rupinshore addressed the Guild Of Magicians, "I think we all need to take a break and meet back here in an hour. You've all made good points, but I think you need to be a little more open to what our newest member in bringing to the table here. What she lacks in experience, charm, personality, beauty, and wit, she more than makes up for in her overbearingness and ability to make her voice heard despite all sound judgement. It's something we all need to think about. Now, let's meditate outside and come back in an hour."
The Guild Of magicians shuffled outside, one at a time, in a line. Ann stayed behind for a bit and gathered her books and spells. Before she got up she spied a teenie-tiny little creature in a magician's robe on the table. He seemed to be sitting on a thimble.
On closer inspection she saw that he was giving her the middle finger.
She reached down, grabbed him, popped him into her mouth, and began chewing him up. The tiny muffled screams coming from between her long teeth would have been terrible had they been audible to normal sized ears.
She swallowed him right up, followed it up with a couple pills, and washed it all down with a shot from her magical potion of booze.
She left the room comfortable with herself to return within the hour to finish the meeting. In the meantime, she looked for any reporters who might want to hear her opinion on how the meeting was going.
Ann Coulter And The Guild Of Magicians is a work of parody and not an actual book. If you are offended by any this, take it up with the actual Ann Coulter since most of the character's dialogue here was inspired by her own similar public quotes.
(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and has never held a woman who has monkey hands)
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