I just finished playing Halo 2 with some friends online. I had to. I really did after playing nothing but the game F.E.A.R. for the last week or so.

I went to the store to find some action figures (because I'm nrrrdy like that) and saw all the people waiting in line for the new Nintendo Wii game system. I figured, "What the heck! I'll go ahead and buy the new game Gears Of War while I'm here." People around me didn't seem to care that I had thought that out loud. One guy flinched...barely.

Well when I got to the store next door, to my shock, the game was sold out. As people weeped about me from their inability to score the Wii, I stood there with 60 bucks burning a hole in my pocket. Actually the hole was already there. How pathetic. So I picked up the new Xbox 360 port of the popular PC first person shooter called First Encounter Assault Recon, or more simply F.E.A.R.

In F.E.A.R. you play a special soldier who seems to have some extra sensory abilities and is called in to take down an escaped criminal who has psychically taken control of an army of genetically engineered soldier clones. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well also add in the fact that your character is constantly haunted by nightmarish visions and paranormal events. You can be walking down a spooky, dimly lit hallway after blowing away a few clone soldiers when suddenly you find your self upside down and the hallway filled waist deep in blood. Very often you see what seem to be spirits in the corner of your eye, only to turn in that direction and see nothing. And what is up with that creepy little girl you keep seeing everywhere?

So the first thing I have to mention is the great graphics. Bodies flop around in a manner you'd expect to see in any John Woo film. Eh... A little floaty, but still good. Enemies move in a very human-like fashion. There are scenes when you are attacked by enemies in robotic armor that are just amazing as the lighting looks so great on them. Environments look great. Faces look great. Did I mention the lighting yet? Ah, yes. Great. Not as gory as I thought it would be though.

The gameplay is pretty smooth throughout the game. It seemed a little too easy for me most of the time though. Health kits are everywhere. There are several different kinds of guns, some of which you can even duel-wield. You can't duel-wield different kinds of weapons like in Halo though. The controls are pretty good and not too far off from the pretty much perfect controls we all know from Halo. It also has a lot of genuinely spooky moments that aren't as good as the Silent Hill series, but still pretty good. Once I got used to it, I really liked the limited "bullet-time" mode that looks as though you are En fighting in the matrix. Great effects and it enhances the gameplay, although makes it even more of a simple game to beat.

This is a pretty solid shooter and has a lot or replay value. The bonus mission is pretty lame though. I would rather them having included the recent PC expansion though. Get this for a night of low-light game playing.

(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine" and
can play this for a while while jonesing for Halo 3.)

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PORKY'S
For the ATARI 2600, Published by 20th Century Fox, , 1981
Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

There I was at my Grandmother's house, every day after elementry school doing homework. The homework was never that tough and I usually made quick work of it. Part of this was beacause it was easy enough, but also because after I was done, I was allowed to play video games on my Grandmother's Atari 2600. As it turned out, this was also my first exposure to full frontal video game nudity.

The game Porky's is based on the film Porky's which one could assume was based on an unfinished salty limerick by Abraham Lincoln which he was writing notes for when he was shot in the Opera house several years ago (I think maybe 10 or so).

In the game you take on the role of Pee Wee. Pee Wee is not the same Pee Wee Herman we all know and love from television and film (who was probably a fan of Porky's, knowing what we know of him now). This Pee Wee reads National Geographic for the pictures and gets his name from the impressive size of his genitals. Or would that be genital?

It's amazing how they were able to capture the perfect feel and plot of the film in this game, built for the same game system that gave us an interesting version of Pac-Man and, of course, E.T. (which was voted the greatest game of all time by both Game-Pro and Electronic Gaming Monthly magazines)...I think.

The film Porky's follows a group of high school kids as they explore their developing (or would that be devolving) sexuality. They face issues of sex, race, pranks, prostitution, and masturbation. In the game Porky's, Pee Wee must cross an impossible gauntlet of boats, police cars, and roller girls to get to the southern brothel and bar. If they hit him, he ends up in a pit which he must cross in order to get to the girls shower for a peek where he is chased off by the gym teacher and up some scaffolding until he is able to blow up Porky's. Just like the movie!!!

It's really the shower scene that makes this game as controvercial as the film. For the first time we see a fully naked body in a computer game. As you can see above, there is no mistaking that we are looking at a nude body glistening under a pink shower head as wet pink water flows over her gratuitous nakedness. How were they able to get away with this on the same system that introduced us to Yar's Revenge and Combat. I'm suprised that people weren't raping each other in the streets after playing this filthy game. Well, I'm sure SOME people were.

The game play is pretty solid except for the scafolding section which is a little annoying. Yes, even more annoying than the pit. The whole "follow the arrow" thing gets old pretty much right away. Oh, and the game spoiuls the ending right away in the demo screen that shows when you turn on the game! What the heck! The ending is satifying and the cool thing is that you can play the whole thing all over again once you're done. If you want to spice it up even more. Toggle the color switch on the 2600 and pretend you are playing in in the 1950's, just like the setting of the game. I definitely recommend this if it isn't already banned in your town.