I realize the futility of going into a movie like Evil Bong with even the most minimal of expectations. I’ve waded through enough cinematic turds in my time to know ahead of time what I get myself into with these movies. Yes, more often than not I regret it and pray to whatever god is listening to give me those hours of my life back. It’s a sacrifice one must make when one is perpetually in search of the fabled “lost gem;” if it weren’t for my tireless yet willing commitment to excavate the diamonds in the rough, how would I ever have found such classics like Rats: Night of Terror or Petey Wheatstraw: the Devil’s Son-in-Law?

I say all this so that you’ll understand why it is I actually sat and watched Charles Band’s Evil Bong, knowing full well that it was going to be a complete waste of my time. You just never know. And us hardcore movie geeks know that those four words are the mantra that time and again seals our fate.

I am not, it must be noted, a “connoisseur of the herb.” I can, however, appreciate a good stoner comedy just as much as anyone. I realize there’s a big difference in “quality” between, say, Up In Smoke and Half Baked. Friday is a genuinely funny movie, while How High was just a headache. You don’t have to be a subscriber to High Times to get it.

With that barometer in mind, I can easily conclude that Evil Bong fails at pretty much every turn, and while there are occasional laughs (some actually intentional) , they aren’t enough to sustain much entertainment, and even the least picky amongst us movie geeks will probably find their patience tested. Clocking in at a scant 86 minutes, the flick still seems too long, and no doubt your FF button is going get a workout.

Three die-hard potheads and their chaste, geeky friend fall victim to the malevolent whims of a possessed bong. After taking hits, their souls are literally sucked into the bong, wherein lies a deadly, otherworldly strip club. Once there, the stoners are picked murdered by sexy lady-demons. Once killed in the bong, they are killed in real life. The geeky hero, who naturally never touched the stuff, attempts to save the day. That’s pretty much it, but what did you expect? Something as involving and circuitous as The Constant Gardener?

I truly didn’t have any hope going into this that it was going transcend it’s obvious attempt at being a new cult-film, but I dunno … I guess I was willing to give it a try. And I was bored the whole time. There’s a really unfunny (and embarrassing) cameo by Tommy Chong, an all-too-brief appearance by the criminally misused Phil Fondacaro, and there’s plenty of boring scenes with boring strippers set to terrible music (except for one song, by a goth/trip-hop band I like called COLLIDE). Oh, and if that’s enough to help you fall asleep fast, plentiful stoner jokes abound, all of which will elicit groans rather than laughs.

I like Full Moon studios, and Charles Band. I really do. Always have and always will. But I’ll be the first to admit that their batting average doesn’t even come close to Barry Bonds territory. Despite a few classics like Re-Animator, From Beyond, Robot Jox, the first three Trancers films (most of those released back when they called themselves Empire, not Full Moon), there isn’t much to rave about. Sure, I can dig a couple of the Puppet Master and Subspecies movies, and I think Doctor Mordrid is a sorely underrated fantasy film, but most of the time, the movies Band and his cohorts put out are, at their best, time-wasters for insomniacs. When their films suck, they really suck. And Evil Bong definitely sucks (as in, sucks the energy right out of you.)

The only thing I found mildly amusing was a quick, slightly humorous cameo from the always welcome Tim Thomerson, who drops in to remind everyone that what Full Moon really needs to do is hire some better writers (and directors) and kick out a good Trancers film again (Trancers 4-6 were just a waste of time, and a waste of a great premise and character.)

This movie was so dull that I’m bored just thinking about it. I don’t think my editor wants me falling asleep at the keyboard here, so I’ll just move along. Evil Bong is a cheap dime-bag, full of nothing but seeds. To paraphrase Ice Cube: “You call this endo … smell like outdo.”

(Ryan Lies is a staffmember of No-Fi "Magazine" and just
says "No" to drugs, but "Yes" to that flirty widower Nancy Reagan.)

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LET'S GO TO PRISON
starring Will Arnett, Dax Shepard, Chi McBride, David Koechner, Bob Odenkirk
directed by Bob Odenkirk, Color, , 2006

Distributed by Universal Studios
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

I'm going to keep this one short because it pretty much bombed at the box office and there has already been a lot written about it already.

Let's Go To Prison is the new film directed by Mr. Show's Bob Odenkirk (who also has a small role in the film) starring Arrested Development's Will Arnett as Nelson Biederman the IVth, the son of a strict court judge who becomes the second choice victim of Dax Shepard as John Lyshitski who had been constantly sent to prison by Nelson's dad. John intends to take revenge on the judge, but circumstances lead him to go after his son instead. Some simple acts of revenge lead to Nelson going to jail, but John feels empty not seeing his revenge first hand so he decides to send himself there as well.

On the way to prison he quickly makes nice with Nelson who is upset by the fact that he's going to prison, but also that everyone on the bus has been giving him the cold shoulder. Once in prison, John shows Nelson the ropes, all while encouraging other prisoners to mess with him. It's not long until John encourages Nelson to rat out another prisoner and sells him to yet another for smokes. John is happy to see his plan in effect until it all turns around on him and Nelson becomes the most popular prisoner in the block (cellblock, obviously). Will John Lyshitski get what he thinks is his revenge or will he learn to play nice with the man he sent down the river?

So formalities out of the way, I can say that I did like this movie. But I think I would have liked it more as a made for cable movie...or even better; a SERIES. Sure there are plenty of crude jokes about toilet wine and anal rape that we haven't seen the likes of since the last Star Wars film, but I didn't get all the laughs I thought I would from a film with a lot of talent packed into it. It reminds me of the Strangers With Candy movie in that it's like it's a feature length film, but with only a half hour's episode worth of jokes. Was there a lot left on the cutting room floor? And why waste the talents of David Koechner (Anchorman, Run Ronnie Run), Jerry Minor (Mr. Show) and, yes, Bob Odenkirk. Why no funny jokes, Bob? Why?

The jokes that are there are funny and it's interesting the way the film prepares you for it's style of humor during the prison orientation scene. Most of the jokes are played with a straight face and that's good. I just wish the pacing were a little better. And I'm sorry, but seriously... I've never seen Bob Odenkirk underwhelming in ANYTHING... Well except for meeting him for the first time (long story, but he was nice...just very busy). His role should have been a little more over the top to balance the film a bit more.

So this is a good matinee film if you have nothing else to do, but otherwise I recommend waiting for DVD as there might be a lot of cut scenes in the extras. Also you might be able to carve it into a nice shiv.