SWEENEY TODD:
THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Sacha Baron Cohen, Timothy Spall
directed by Tim Burton, Color, 
, 2007
Distributed by Warner Brothers
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
This is one of those films that I've been waiting most of my life to be done. Ever since I first heard the soundtrack to Stephen Sondheim's 1970's musical "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street" I loved it. I was a weird kid, I guess, but I loved the idea of the story of a mad barber who gave his customers a closer shave than they expected.
After what I think were a few misteps in director Tim Burton's recent career ("Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory", "The Corpse Bride", and his worst; "The Planet Of The Apes"), Tim Burton has finally found a project that is perfectly suited to his style. Sweeney Todd, has been editied a little from it's original stage version, but is still the story of a framed barber named Benjamin Barker (Johnny Depp) who returns to London after prison under the alias Sweeney Todd to exact his revenge on the judge (played by Alan Rickman) who both framed him and stole his family 15 years ago. Only now he discovers that his wife was poisoned while he was away and the judge intends to marry his daughter. When he misses a chance at killing the judge, Sweeney decides that all of humanity is guilty and deserves to die. Luckily Mrs. Lovett (played by Burton's wife Helana Bonham Carter), who runs the bakery below, is all to happy to help him and hides the corpses as the new mystery ingredient of her meat pies.
While a few songs have been removed or changed from the original stage production, most of them are still intact here, albeit performed in a slightly less operatic manner than the original. I was really surprised at both Depp and (Borat and Ali G star) Sasha Baron Cohen's singing voices. While Helana's voice isn't quite as good as the original stage production's Angela Lansbury - who was also a bit older as well), Depp and Cohen more than hold their own against the original versions of their songs. Depp sings in a more - yes, I'm going to say it - sensual manner than these songs were originally intended to be performed and it really works for him. And the character change and musical style of the character of Toby, the former assistant to Sweeney's barber rival, is actually much better than the original. I have a feeling that we'll see more of that child actor, Ed Sanders, in the future.
By the way, is it just me or does Jamie Campbell Bower, who plays the innocent heroic sailor and friend to Todd, Anthony Hope, look like Claire Danes in drag or what? He sings great, but I kept thinking of Shopgirl and My So-Called Life every time I saw him on screen.
Burton brings a lot to the table in this film. The thing about most of Burton's films is that they always look like they were shot on sound stages...which they were, but rarely have that "real" look. I actually like Batman Returns, but it does suffer from overused sets that don't exactly look real or used on a daily manner. But in this film, the sets work because they do convey the feel of seeing this film ON stage. In fact, visually, the best films of his to compare this to are Batman Returns and The Nightmare Before Christmas. The film is very grey with muted patches of color except for the deep Hammer Studio red that literally sprays across the screen when Sweeney services his victims.
Another thing I should probably convey is that this film IS funny. It is meant to be a dark comedy. This is a testiment to Stephen Sonheim who crafted this all around 30 years ago and the same comedic beats are all retained in this 
film. You can almost say that Tim Burton really wanted to keep this film as intact as possible so that he could share the musical that he loved long ago with the rest of the world. When a beautiful musical ballad is being song by Sweeney in a montage, the music doesn't stop for the many throat slittings that happen at the same time. They almost become part of the music.
The only thing I find unfortunate about this film - or really the story - is that Vincent Price would have been the PERFECT Sweeney Todd in the late 60's/early 70's. It seems like the one role he should have done, musical or not.
So at the time of this writing, this film is slowly disappearing from theatres and it is up for 3 Academy Awards, including Johnny Depp for best actor. It's definitely a great film for both musical and horror fans. How often do we get to see beautiful, moving musicals about serial killers? Rarely. So go see it on the big screen while you still can.
(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and uses an electric razor to shave.)
EROTIC TIME MACHINE
starring: Kelli Summers, Darian Crane, Misty Mundae
directed by Johnny Crash, Color, 
, 2002
Distributed by Seduction Cinema
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
Why are we reviewing this film this month? Well it's been waiting patiently for review for a few years and, well frankly, we need some content. Let's just cut to the chase right away. It's not good. Really really not good.
It would be easy to blame the plot of the film. Well, there is no plot honestly. This is a series of unrelated soft porn loops strung together by dialogue that barely conveys the idea that this is suppossed to be a time travel movie where scientists have become addicted to "lust travel"...and from there the explanation devolves into a bunch of honestly RANDOM words strung together and repeated over and over again in different order. It's nothing more than a "best-of" compilation culled from their other films. Films.
Of course, this film exists for no other reason than to showcase soft-core nudity. Actually, this film IS nudity. Every part of female genetalia is exposed several times over. This is actually the most explicit Seduction Cinema film I've seen so far. There is actual oral sex for example (although the camera does cut away when this happens so maybe I'm actually giving them the benefit of the doubt). Of course the other downside to all of the nudity - apart from the fact that I don't find anyone in the film attractive, personally - is that one of the actresses has a creepy real scar under her breast. Breast augmentation gone wronger.
Nuff said I guess. Not even so bad it's good. More like so bad it might make you retarded if you actually try to watch every minute of the movie. I think that if somebody creates a real time machine, they need to come back and kick the director of this film in the belly. Get this for one of your friends that you don't wish to speak to anymore. If he or she likes it...even more reason to not talk to them anymore.
(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and travels through time every second.)
BELIEVERS
starring: Jon Huertas, Johnny Messner, Daniel Benzali, Erik Passoja
directed by Daniel Myrick, Color, , 2007
Distributed by Warner Home Video
DVD Reviewed By: Ryan Lies
Many, including myself, have wondered what happened to Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez, the directors behind the 1999 surprise mega-smash The Blair Witch Project (and it's brilliant companion piece Curse of the Blair Witch). After their creepy little indie pseudo-doc made millions and broke box-office records, they seemed to just disappear like... well, like three student filmmakers we all last saw in Burkittsville, Maryland.
Obviously, following up something like The Blair Witch Project would be daunting for anyone, so it's not surprise they laid low, and took their time with their follow-ups. Sanchez released Altered last year, and I have yet to see it, so it's inappropriate for me to say that they've BOTH proven themselves beyond their debut success. However, after viewing Myrick's Believers, I can say without any doubt that he, at least, has proven that Blair Witch was no fluke.
Two paramedics (Jon Huertas and Johnny Messner), responding to what they assume to be a routine call, are stopped from helping their patient by a truckload of gun-wielding strangers, who are strangely all dressed in white. The paramedics soon find themselves locked away in the compound of the Quanta Group, a cult who has impending plans to vacate this plane of existence, in order to perpetuate the human race after a cataclysmic fire-storm.
While imprisoned, the paramedics discover that Rebecca (Deanna Russo), the woman they had been called to save, was trying to escape the Quanta Group, with her daughter Libby (Saige Ryan Campbell). Thinking that Rebecca had died from cardiac arrest, the two are shocked to find that she has been somehow resurrected, and apparently re-indoctrinated, by The Teacher (Daniel Benzali), the Svengali-like leader of the cult.
With the help of Libby, who wants to do right by her mommy, but is also afraid to die, the two plot to escape from the compound and attempt to stop another Heaven's Gate from happening. They also soon realize that if they continue to refuse The Teacher's offers to "join them in eternal life," they will be disposed of.
Believers grips right from the beginning, where we see one of the Quanta members, the oddly named IO (Erik Passoja), during a brief TV interview. From there things heat up fast, and hardly ever let up. Myrick keeps the threats real, without ever giving too much away. The cult believes in something called "the Formula," which is supposed to be a message from God sent via mathematics, but we never real learn what exactly "the Formula" says or truly means. Which makes scenes of ecstatic, wide-eyed drones chanting "the undeniable truth" with arms raised to The Teacher even creepier.
Myrick gets great performances all around from his cast, and they really sell it. Russo and Passoja are truly unnerving: one a "believer" who may or may not truly believe any more, and another who believes whole-heartedly in what he and his "family" are doing. However, the standout performance goes to Benzali, a veteran character actor, who has created a classic movie villain here, with The Teacher. (Or, IS he a villain?) Think Jesus of Nazareth crossed with Colonel Kurtz, from APOCALYPSE NOW.
This is, straight up, one of the best horror films of the year. Daniel Myrick proves that he understands horror, how less-is-more often elicits sundry more chills, and by keeping things ambiguous rather than having us told WHY we should be scared.
I won't got so far as to proclaim this a "modern classic," a label I still affix to The Blair Witch Project, but I will say it's one of the best, and TRUEST horror films I have seen in a long, long time (and the ending is one for the ages.) It has left me with chills long after I have returned the DVD to its snapcase. This, along with Aronofsky's PI, have embedded in me a deep distrust of mathematicians now.
I just KNEW there was a good reason why I always failed math in school. Creepy damn fractions...
(Ryan Lies is a staffwriter for No-Fi "Magazine"
and believes that the new year may bring lots of joy...or less.)
BRITNEY REARS 2
starring: Britney Rears, Hillary Scott, James Deen, Sunny Lane
directed by Will Rider, Color, , 2006
Distributed by Hustler Video
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond
This was sent to us a couple years ago and for whatever reason it ended up at the bottom of the review stack, gained a little dust, and remain unplayed for years...this isn't that much unlike the real Britney Spears that this adult film lampoons (emphasis on the second syllable of that last word).
I'm not a fan of Miss Spears. You may have figured that out over the years in No-Fi "Magazine". But do we need a Britney Spears porno when there seems to be a new Britney Spears upskirt vagina shot in the news every couple months or so? We've all looked at it out of curiousity. Some people have probably memorized it or erected monuments to it. Some people went and did make a porn flick dedicated to it.
The film Britney Rears 2 begins by showing backstage video of a concert and tries to convince us via voiceover that the people shown attending and the equipment being moved by unknowing roadies is for a big Britney Rears concert.We are then clued into the "plot" of the film which is a controversy about who is actually singing Britney's songs. This leads to the first sex scene which looks like it was filmed in the mansion where they shot Orgazmo. Fast forward...
It's really odd that people are being interviewed in front of a poster of the DVD cover. These are supposed to parody celebrity interviews, but the cheap background makes it look like they didn't even bother to think about how to dress the set. Then porn star James Deen has sex with a girl in glasses. Fast forward...
What is wrong with the lead actresses chin? And why is her make-up so bad? All the press conference scene succeeds in doing is to make the lead actress look unattractive...and to introduce the next sex scene. Fast forward... Now she's having sex with a fan at that same press conference. Fast forward...
Next we see everyone working on Britney's new music video. Controversy about her singing continues...and then devolves into her backup dancers having a fourway with Britney's husband Kevin....and then some other seemingly unrelated sex scene thrown in for filler. Fast Forward 16X Speed.
Yet another sex scene occurs and the actors keep breaking the 4th wall and look at the camera pretty often. As I watched I began to think that these people aren't the thespians you'd expect them to be. Fast forward...
The narrator explains that Britney may or may not be singing her own songs, but at least her breasts are real. I'm not sure I believe anything the narrator has tried to tell me. We are then "treated" to a Britney Rears music video which includes a montage of previous scenes. It's really really not good. It's not even anywhere close to being so bad it's good. The film ends and that was a good thing.
Checking out the extras I noticed on the trailer of Britney Rears 1 that the lead actress probably gained a little weight betweens films which may be why her chin looked so bad in make-up. In researching this film, I found that they are actually already up to part 4 of this series. I think I'm ok with stopping at this one.
(Chris Beyond is the creator of No-Fi "Magazine"
and thinks Britney could take a tip from this film. End.)
