the no-fi "interview"
with

(conducted by Chris Beyond, July 18th, 2004, Highland Park, CA)

So I've been on a self imposed probation for doing interviews as luck has not been in my favor in getting them done in a timely fashion due to our recent move from Silverlake to Eagle Rock. I had to come out of it in order to do this interview since I've really like this band a lot since even before they sent us their first full length album "Evaporation". I also decided that this interview should be an educational interview since there are so many people in the group with interesting backgrounds.
I did this interview right after I recorded them for No-Fi "Radio" n the backyard of their home-studio. Most of them sat in a kiddy wading pool as I began to ask them the questions... (these ones down here.)

C: Well, I'm glad that you don't care about artichokes... Well, there goes my... (throwing my questions into the air and quickly catching them) Ok, next question. Please give us a brief history of Artichoke, the band.

T: I listened to a lot of music and moved to L.A. and I thought I'd start a band...and, uh, the noun was available as we already discussed and there were a bunch or permutations with different people. The previous lineup just sort of exploded. This is the new beautiful lineup before you today.

C: Like exploded in a Spinal Tappy sorta way?

T: (chuckling) We did have drummers who Spinal Tapped right out... So yeah.

C: Anyone else have a take on this? Is he totally lying?

SM: No, I've seen the CDs from the previous... I've heard them too.

T: We have evidence.

SM: Yes, there's evidence.

SC: I like our drummer now. The drummer now is really good.

AO: Naw, he's gotta cut his hair.

P: No, he's gotta grow his hair out.

C: And he's going to Australia.

AO: Yeah, for a vacation. I go there every year. I just got the money. I might as well go somewhere in Australia. It's the best place.

T: Were you racing kangaroos?

AO: I really don't want to talk about THAT, but you know...

C: You ARE going to visit all of the sets from Lord Of The Rings in New Zealand though right?

AO: I keep hearing that, but I haven't seen Lord Of The Rings

(gasps of horror arise)

AO: (pretending to get up to leave) You know what... (everyone laughs) Yeah, Lord Of The Rings man! F**kin' walking trees and s**t. (More laughter)

C: What is the worst thing you've ever done? ...PETER!

(everyone laughs)

P: (looking shocked) That's a TERRIBLE question man. Oooh god... The worst like my whole life? Even to family?

C: Even to your family. Whatever horrible things you did to them.

P: Awww man. That's horrible. I gotta think about that. Can you come back to me, really? I can't answer that spontaneously.

T: So in a job interview, you turn it into a positive thing. "Sometimes I'm a little too...optimistic."

(Everyone laughs and giggles)

T: ...So that's the worst thing I ever do. I'm guilty of extreme optimism.

SC: Sometimes I impersonate a musician.

T: (to Steve) Wait, you're a mime!

SC: That's right.

SM: He is trained as a mime. Yes, that definitely qualifies him.

C: I've never seen a mime with a beard.

SC: I can show you. It's like this. (Mimes around.) Isn't that great?

C: Yeah. Mimes on tape. (indicating the tape recorder)

SM: I play the accordion. I guess that can be the worst thing.

T: You don't play it badly though.

C: Yeah. I don't know if that really qualifies. I'll let that slide. Back to you Peter...

P: I have no comment on that strange question.

C: Why are you about to cry?

P: Because it's really f**king emotional man. Really really heavy s**t. Heavy heavy s**t, You brought up some oooollllld s**t there.

AO: Ahhh, I guess the worst thing...would be...I've fallen many many times.

T: Upwardly.

AO: Yeah.

AB: Probably one of the worst things I did,...and I regret it because I didn't do well in the class,...I took acid during a biology test one time and I remember tripping really hard and I'm trying to fill out the scantron and I start filling out designs...and start spelling things like "BAD", "GAG", "ASS". It was probably one of the more delinquent things I've ever done.

AO: That reminds me, the worst thing I did was drive my mother home on acid. She was too tired to drive home so she made me drive, but I had just dropped two tabs.

C: Oh, come on, that's not as bad as "falling down"! (Alfredo looks ashamed and mumbles things) PETER!

P: What, man?

C: I know you're about to kill me over this...

P: Yeah, you're dead.

C: What's the 2nd worst thing you did?

P: I don't know. What do you mean by "worst"? You can go "really bad" or...you know.

C: Whatever you choose to tell us.

P: I used to be hardcore... (he tells us a list of things that, as it turned out, were "too hot" for print) Honestly though, that was when I was 15, first introduced to drugs and things were bad, but I got way over it.

T: Strange question man... What's the worst thing YOU'VE done?

C: Oh, the worst thing I've done? I'm doing it right now. (laughing) Hmmm... (quoting President Jimmy Carter to sound presidential) "I've lusted in my heart." That's a good one.

SM: I was involved in a car accident that somebody died during.

C: Were you driving?

SM: I was driving, but they hit me and the guy that hit me was on a motorcycle and he had a passenger in the back who flew over the car and died. I was horrified. I was just horrified.

C: That was a really bad thing.

T: That's why we are so optimistic, I think.

(Sharon shares her own drugs in school story)

C: Ok, so going from bad things to nice things, do you plan to relearn some of the older Artichoke songs for the next live shows down the line?

T: Is this connected to the worst things you've ever done question?

C: It CAN be. It depends on you really. This is ALL you.

T: I Cuz I've been hearing some of those old songs and I LOVE THEM with my heart, but not always with my ears...so...probably not. Probably not.

SM: I would like to learn and play a lot of the Scientist songs that haven't been released yet. Cuz there's some great stuff there.

T: Are you leading up to questions about that?

C: We will.

T: Ok. I don't think we're going to resurrect too many of the old songs unless people pay us or something. We all like to write songs and that's probably the most fun part. In fact we're pretty rehearsal challenged cuz we just all wanna write all the time. I think there'll be a lot of writing in the future. Not too much resurrecting.

P: I just agree with that. It's true there's a lot of writers in this band so it's easy to come up with stuff.

AB: I'm looking forward to writing new songs.

C: I've heard that ONE of you likes artichoke, so what would be your favorite artichoke recipe?

SM: You put it in a saucepan that's tall and put the top on it and steam it, you put a little bit of water in the bottom of it. You put some... (bandmembers laugh in the background) Put a little oil, put a little red wine, vinegar in it. And the artichoke goes in with some onions and you just steam it like that and then you eat it with butter and mayonnaise. Delicious.

C: I'm actually a fan of artichokes...the vegetable. Um...I don't like the mayonnaise part...

SM: I didn't either. It's an acquired taste.

T: One of the good things about artichoke, the vegetable is there isn't a lot of baggage. No one's mom ever said you have to finish their artichokes before could have desert. If we called ourselves Broccoli, we'd have a lot of history to deal with. It's a little bit of a Bourgeois vegetable.

SC: They're sort of a flower, but they have those razor sharp little thorns on them.

P: They're kind of a dangerous vegetable cuz of those little hooks on the end. They'll f**k you up.

T: Now if you were walking through a forest and you met a magical talking artichoke...and it said it would grant you three wishes...what would the 1st and second wish be?

T: I would have to use the million more wishes list.

SM: Yeah, I'd ask for several more wishes.

C: Now if it balked at you and said, "sorry that's not a good answer..."

SM: I would say, "I wish that my next two wishes were reversible..."

T: (laughing) You've studied the fairy tales haven't you.

SM: (also laughing) I have.

C: And what could the second wish be?

SC: Time for more hobbies!

SM: I would wish for better health, I think.

C: Ahhh,...yeah... (Sharon nods in agreement) ... Just for you, right?

SM: Just for me. Not for anyone else.

T: Worse health for everyone else. You would be the healthiest. Feel like crap, but not THAT bad.

P: Wish that I could stop chewing my fingernails. Get over that hump.

T: What if they yank out your teeth, that's why you need that "reversibility".

(Everyone laughs. We talk about wisdom teeth of which Alfredo has five.)

SC: I might wish for a slice of pizza.

AB: I wish that I could have a year's supply of working equipment. (laughing ensues) Failure free equipment!

C: No magic talking artichoke that grants wishes is going to give you THAT!

(We go on about wishes and reversibility some more. Technicalities, etc...)

C: SO...band question...your next full length album is about different scientists. Who are are some scientists who AREN'T going to make the cut and why?

T: Well, we had one for each letter of the alphabet, which means sometimes some letters have conflicts, so we have Darwin and Da Vinci fighting it out...and Darwin won. It's hard. It's tough.

C: Well, he's more modern so he might know some more modern techniques like Kung Fu...

T: But we got a lot of Scientists, A through Z and it'll be a two volume CD set. I'm trying to find the women scientists, but there aren't that many.

C: (Sarcastically) Yeah, women are DUMB.

T: We start with the first female Paleontologist. Her name is Mary Anning...and we all have to figure out that song sometime soon. She lived back in the 18th century. She found the first Ichthyosaur...which is the one with the loooong skull with the teeth in it. Fish lizard.

SM: There was somebody that was nixed was it...

T: Doppler. Doppler would be fun, because you can build a song on that They Might Be Giants style, but we have, as I have mentioned...

SM: Darwin.

T: Darwin. D is a tough letter.

SM: We could have a 'Scientists' B-Sides... How do you make a B-Side on a CD though?

(We discuss this for a while, deciding that any song on a CD single after the first one is a B-Side)

C: Here's one I found...Do you think Dr. Rajesh Agarwal make the cut someday? (blank stares) He currently investigates the anticancer properties of artichokes.

(Lots of OOOOooOOoooohs here)

SM: B-Side.

C: Well, he'd have to be a C-Side currently because he's still investigating.

T: C-Side B-Sides.

C: Ok, QUIZ TIME!

(moans)

T: You got all the name questions?

C: Uh... No. Where do artichokes originally come from?

(somebody whistles in the background)

T: They're kind of thistle. You eat the bud of it. They're pretty tall and you can use them as a scepter for your royal artichoke kingdom.

C: That's not where they come from.

T: From artichoke plants...

(I close my eyes and shake my head)

SM: You mean geographically.

T: They're kinda thistle. Where did they come from?

C: North Africa. Ok, what kind of climate would be best for growing an artichoke?

T: Mediterranean climates.

C: Cool and moist? (most everyone says, "no") No, actually is IS "Cool and moist". See North Africa... They originally came from North Africa...

SM: ...when it was cool and moist! HA! See! That's why it's good to read that...

SC: And they grow down by the beach. They grow in Santa Cruz. Lots of artichokes. Salinas is the artichoke capital of the world.

SM: Salinas? That's not very cool and moist.

C: SO...which leads me to the next one... What city calls itself "The Artichoke Capital Of The World?"

SC: That would be Salinas.

C: WRONG! (surprises all around) Castroville, California.

SC: (laughing) One block north of Salinas.

SM: (laughing) ALMOST right.

T: Well you know this Highland Park, previously the Garbanza district...which is named for the garbanzo bean. And that's Grasshopper street (indicating some street near us) so there's a lot of agricultural stuff.

C: Um...ok...Who was named the first Artichoke Queen in Castroville?

T: Uh... Linda...

C: You actually know who this person is...

P: Brenda Walsh?

T: Mrs. Bush.

C: Wrong.

T: Mrs. Reagan.

C: Um,...I can give you a hint...

T: Not a first lady?

C: There might be SOME kind of connection to that...

T: I don't know things about...

C: The hint is "Happy Birthday"

SM & SC: Marilyn Monroe?

C: Marilyn Monroe.

T: Wow.

SM: (seemingly impressed) the Artichoke Queen.

T: Didn't she marry a scientist for a brief time?

C: She did.

P: There's a song right there.

C: Have you ever held a monkey?

T: Do humans count?

(everyone talks "monkey" at the same time.)

C: (to Steve) But I heard some monkey talk coming from you though...

SM: Just the one on my back.

C: Awwww....

SC: We baby-sat a gibbon...when I was a kid.

C: You did?

SC: Yeah man.

C: Did you hold it?

SC: Yeah.

C: Well, that's good.

SC: They're very strong. They liked to climb the flagpole, I remember. Stand up on the top and go "Ooooowa Ooooowa".

C: So it was a patriotic monkey.

SC: Oooowa-Well, I don't know.

T: The female chimpanzee can lift 800 pounds with one hand. That's because they have a ligament connected at a different point. The male is even stronger. So look out.

C: (pointing my mic at the rest of the band who haven't answered in a while) Guys? Monkey?

P: No, I'm cool. (everyone laughs)

C: I gotta six pack of monkeys...

T: I'm just glad he's not talking about artichokes. I got a new rule for interviews in the future. (I stick my tongue out at him.) No F**kin' artichokes.

C: So, as anyone complained yet about damage caused by the cover our your latest EP "20 Grit" to their CD shelf or other CDs (the cover of which is made out of actual 20 grit scratchy sandpaper)?

AO: I don't even put it next to my CDs at all.

T: Yeah everyone, I think.

P: It scarred up my other CDs in a matter of two weeks. Destroyed every CD I own.

SM: It just forces you to put it in a special place...away from everybody else. Just sorta featured in your...

P: And you see it everytime. Yeah! "There's Artichoke!"

SC: You always have to go out to the garage to get it though.

(laughing ensues)

T: My next one will be more friendly...probably yellow velvet. So...

C: So that'll be that album you were talking about earlier (before the interview) ...not connected to the scientists.

T: E.P.s! And then pick the best of the batch to make our full lengths. The E.P.s will be these artsy fartsy little things named after the substance they are covered with. "20 Grit" Sandpaper, "Yellow Velvet", "Balsawood"...you know, whatever.

SM: Vinyl

T: Yeah. We wanna do Vinyl CDs so that'll f**k with people. That's the theory. And they're gonna be more and more expensive the more sick we get of making them... The very last "20 Grit" is gonna cost about 50 or 60 thousand dollars.

C: Well all you got do is sell one.

T: Exactly. Sell one CD,...retire. (everyone laughs) It's not about quantity anymore.

C: So then when can we expect your next album or release in general?

T: Well we're just playing THIS CD ("20 Grit") plus associated material for the next month and a half...then we're gonna screw around. Right? Yeah? (the band discusses their future writing and recording plans.) We'll definitely have another EP before next December...called "Yellow Velvet."

C: What is one big personal goal that you would like to accomplish by the end of the year? This year being 2004.

SC: Launch a spacecraft to a comet. (funny because he actually is a real scientist and really will be doing this if all goes well.)

T: (laughing) Me too. Which comet are you going to do?

SC: Um...It is called Temple.

T: Really? How often does it visit our planet area?

SC: I think it has about a 4 and a half year period. Something like that. It's a Jupiter family comet.

T: Ah, so it doesn't go out that far.

SC: Right. Yeah.

T: That's smart of you because if you waited for "Twain's comet"... 76 years. That's no good. That's a good goal. See this hill we're sitting on?

C: Yes. We (you the readers and I) all can see this hill.

T: Imagine a hill looking steep over our house...and rehearsal space... If we don't record a record, we're all going to be carrying cinder blocks up to this wall here finishing that so that the hillside doesn't fall on the house. That's my goal. It's a lot of work I'll tell you that.

SM: Ashley and I have the same goal...to get a conveyor belt that goes from the street to the house that can handle her bass amp... or dumbwaiter or something like that. Yeah yeah.

AB: Actually I've decided I'm going to, um, ride my brand new Stingray Gray Ghost off the roof of a building into a swimming pool.

C: Now THAT'S a goal.

T: This pool's a little shallow.

SC: You can do it at my mom's house.

T: We'll get a conveyor belt from the pizza place up to our house too. You know... I met that guy at our show... The guy we buy pizza from?

SM: He came to our show?

T: Yeah. He was at our show Friday...at Mr. T's.

(Wows from everyone)

SC: Maybe we could get a sponsorship. (everyone laughs.)

T: We'll name a CD after `em.

C: You can have a piece of pizza on the CD itself...and you can COVER the CDs themselves with pizza. Plasticized pizza.

(we talk about the exhibit at the science museum featuring plasticized corpses.)

SC: Ah, you know, I'm already plasticized.

(Alfredo walks away. He says his personal goal is to put his drums away.)

C: What are your final words of wisdom for our No-Fi readers?

SM: You can never go wrong with a good typing class.

T: When you ride your bicycle into a hardware store, be careful how you dismount. (He shows us a nasty wound he got from doing so.) I hit a shelf with a lot of metal on it. So, please I'm serious.

SC: Always check to see if your platernians (sic?) have the right sets so that you don't have an alias alibi problem.

AB: When you buy a new amp, test it out before you bring it to the gig.

P: What's wisdom?

T: There you go. That's Socratic method.

THE END