Expose on the Goodwill Outlet
by Ernesto Mejia
When you think of Portland, Oregon, the first images that conjure up are of strip clubs, strip clubs that also serve steak, porn stores, porn superstores, lingerie shops, lingerie modeling shops, hair salons that cut hair while dressed in lingerieäYou get the picture. Portland may very well have the highest porn anything per capita in the nation but we up here have an even more disgusting habitätrash collecting (or what we like to call "thrift store shopping".)
Now let me tell you, I'm not talking about college kids trying to be quiche buying up black velvet paintings of Spanish bullfighters or an old corduroy jacket. Oh NO! I'm talking about everybody! Twenty-somethings, seniors, moms, working stiffs, non-working stiffs, hot college girls all shop at thrift stores. They wait for the doors to open. The stores are full the entire day throughout and they all continue to shop straight through passed dinner time when they should all be at home cooking dinner for their snot nosed children or walking their poor dog whose been sitting indoors all day. But Portland would rather be rummaging through garbage. But damn is it fun!
There must be thrift stores here as often as there are drive-up coffee stands, if not more often. The choices are endless. The big ones are The Salvation Army, Goodwill and Value Village. There are dozens and dozens of all three of those. Also dotting our rainy landscape are smaller stores like The William Temple House, St. Vincent, The Red White and Blue and the 50% off everything store (or whatever the real name is) on HWY 99. There are a lot.
Now all the stores mentioned are great, but none compare to The Goodwill Outlet Store, or "The Russian Goodwill" as some call it. The R.G. is the store where all the smaller Goodwills send their stuff that has not sold fast enough. Workers mark items cheap and mark them down further everyday until either somebody buys the thing or it gets sent to the crusher in the back. The store is lined up with what seems like miles of boxes slapped on tables that are full of the most random useless trash and it's all priced TO GO!!!! Clothes are all $1.29 a POUND. A person can pick up a TV for a buck, they just have to be sure to grab it before they take it away to scrap it. This store is the last stop before "trash Heaven" or wherever trash goes when it dies. The place is so ghetto that many people tend to wear gloves while shopping because you never know what you¼re going to touch. Some people shop with masks on because you never know what kind of whiff you¼re gonna get!
O.K. so I decided to go on a Friday at 8:45 in the morning. The place opened at 8:00 and it was already packed. I pass all the old furniture including a very nice wood armed chair with velvet green upholstery. Do you need a Nordic Track? They got `em. How about a bag full of half used solvents from somebody¼s garage? They have that too. Did I mention that in the tons of clothes are hundreds and hundreds of used panties, bras and nighties? Maybe they're washed, maybe they're not. Anyway, THEY GOT `EM! Come on over for shit to clutter your house!! Oh Yah!
As I stroll towards the rear of the store I spy all the bookworms flipping dozens of ratty books into their carts while chubby old ladies inspect glassware and old lamp shades. While shopping I notice a pretty well-to-do lady digging through rags of clothes. And what is that under her latex gloves but a really big fat diamond ring. Now why is she looking in this mess? My only answer is that Oregonians seem to have thrown out the notion that thrift stores are for the needy. First come, first served, or "That's MY Izod shirt, creep!"
Anyway, shopping sucks today and I can¼t seem to find anything good. I put back a NKOTB Christmas album and a floating Jesus ceramic coaster. Before leaving, I ended up getting two Rush tapes and a Led Zeppelin tape along with a big Boom Box for my work truck. It all came out to $5.52. Pretty steep, but it's for the magazine, right?
P.S. The tape players didn¼t work on the damn Boom Box.
Ernie.
(Ernie Mejia has been a contributing writer/illustrator since issue #1 and is pretty much 2nd in charge around here.)
