with
(conducted by Quin, February 14th, 2004, Long Beach, CA)
Last month I was lucky enough to interview one of my favorite bands of recent years. After missing their show the previous night in Silverlake (which was recorded for No-Fi "Radio"), I drove down to Long Beach to catch Gravy Train!!!! at Koo's. The show was great, and super energetic...and the audience was really into them. But, I have to say that right in front of the stage was a pretty dangerous place. Especially because of some underage idiot in a hat. (Check the Gravy Train!!!! message board for other fan's opinions of this guy.) But before any of this happened, I went out front of the theater to ask the band some questions. They sat in their car and i stayed on the sidewalk. (Oddly enough, I've conducted a few interviews in this same way.) Anyway, questions were asked, people got loud, and we were asked to keep it down twice because a neighbor had called the police. Here is a transcript of exactly what went down that evening.
C: Chunx
H: Hunx
J: Junx
F: Funx
JF: Jeff Roe
X: guy from club
C: Okay. Let's start this bullshit. I need to fuckin' do it cause I'm in the mood. Just GO! GO NUTS!!
Q: all right, all right!
C: I'm sorry to egg you on, but I'm serious.
Q: I'm just nervous, okay?
C: "Hella Nervous?"
Q: Hella hella nervous.
C: Hexa nervous?
Q: Yes. For the uninitiated, why the name Gravy Train!!!!?
C: Gravy Train!!!! is a euphemism for vaginal discharge that is expelled in a time of horniness. It causes a train...sort of a trail...a snail trail leading up to the belly button. It's a crystallization of female hormones.
J: That is so gross!!
C: I fuckin' hate you saying that my shit is gross.
J: I'm just joking.
C: You are so gross, and you're always telling me I'm gross. You've had craps, you've had scabies. I haven't had shit. I've had the Gon, but that's it.
J: For real?
C: NO! I'm just trying to make you sound better. I've had PID, pelvic inflam. I've had it.
J: I've had scabies, I've had crabs.
H: I had both those too.
Q: When and where and why did you decide to form Gravy Train!!!!?
C: I was... (looks at junx) You weren't even there. (everyone laughs) I was pissed, this guy was an A-hole, I'm sitting on the couch, masturbating watching Oprah, you know, same old shit;...eating bon bons watching Rikki Lake...pissed. Pissed at Rick Solar, you can use that too. Rick Solar, R-I-C-K S-O-L-A-R, Rick Solar. He turned me into a raging feminist. And I was like, I have to write songs about how he has a small one and all guys are shit butt, and So WE DID!! And the rest is history.
Q: A major exclusive here, this is great.
H: You want a major exclusive, it's coming up. We got some celeb gossip.
C: I got some celebrity gossip...
Q: I read your posting about Andy Dick...
C: (at the same time as me) ANDY DICK!? I hung out with him last night. Me and Andy Dick, we're buds, he gave me these hickeys on my...(looks at chest) are they gone? (she finds them) He gave me these hickeys on my breasteses cause he's a big fan I guess. I don't know, I saw him during the show, and after the show I was like, "Andy, did you 
come to see us?" and he's like, "I love you guys! I bought all of your records the minute they came out. You really are speaking my language as a tortured celebrity. No one really understands me, but you guys do..." and he gave me these hickeys on my boob. He's my favorite.
Q: If you were on Fantasy Island, what would your fantasy be?
C: I would have Herve Vilachez take my anal virgini-tay.
H: The midget?
JF: I think they prefer to be called little people.
C: I think he prefers to be called a little asshole.
H: No, dwarves...elves.
Q: Elves? I know they don't like to be called elves.
J: Is midget really insensitive?
Q: I've heard that it's derogatory to call them a midget.
H: I would want to have sex with Luke Perry, Jason Priestly, and Steve Sanders.
Q: How about you?
J: I think by now I have fucked enough people, if i was on Fantasy Island...
(Chunx says something and they all break out into song)
J: ...that's it.
F: What's Fantasy Island?
C: Herve ViIlachez.
Q: It's an old TV show where people go to this island to have their fantasies fulfilled.
F: I think it would just be me and a Hitachi and a sunset.
J: Oh my GOD!
F: I'm a hopeless romantic.
Q: What are your guilty pleasures?
C: My guilty pleasure is Paris Hilton and everything she does... I fuckin' love her.
H: Me too.
C: Andy Dick and everything he does including me. I love the Real World. Inferno. The Inferno Monday nights at 10 o'clock MTV. I'm obsessed with it.
H: I like watching the Spice channel scrambled.
Q: What are some of your favorite local bands?
C: DEADLY WEAPON.
H: BOBBY TEEN, WILL POWER.
C: VANISHING.
(Junx yells something)
C: Disregard all his answers cause it's just going to be guys he fucked...
J: THE MODERN MACHINES. They're from Milwaukee, they're the best band ever!! I boned the bass player.
C: We don't agree on that. We agree on BOBBY TEEN, DEADLY WEAPON, WILL POWER, ROCK N ROLL ADVENTURE KIDS. THE DONNAS!! THE DONNAS!! THE DONNAS!!
H: We love THE DONNAS by all means.
Q: Bouncing boobies or busy booties and why?
C: Bouncing batwiddicalz. Okay, note to self...no more boobies. Batwiddicalz. They're called batwiddicalz in the year 2004. Just to let you know.
J: It's not a good choice though. It's like both.
F: In general, bouncy batwiddicalz but more specialized junx's booty.
J: Oh my God, thank you! ...I like titties and ass. Don't make me choose.
Q: This is now the part of the interview where I say the name of a band and you...
C: Say whatever we want...
Q: Yeah, like word association...
C: YEAAHHHHH! DO IT!!!!!!!!
Q: Rick James.
C: Cocaine, hookers, jerry curl. SUPERFREAK! My friend karate chopped him in the crotch right after the jerry curl cocaine incident. She saw him at a club and she's all, "I'm Super freakin" and just karate chopped him in the crotch.
Q: BEASTIE BOYS.
H: Retarded.
C: Listen all y'all... He's whipped.
H: I liked them better when they had big wieners on the stage.
Q: Yeah, now they're all political.
H: Fuck them.
C: Dear BEASTIE BOYS! You got served!
J: They can be political! I liked when the BEASTIE BOYS got political. I personally hate all that other shit. I hate them pre '92.
Q: THE BUZZCOCKS.
H: I'm into 'em. They're cool.
J: I like to fuck to that one song... "I don't mi-yi yi yi yi ind..." I don't know why. I like the break down.
Q: B-52s
J: (Gasps!) They were so cool, cause they had sexy homo boys in the band, and sexy homos are cool.
C: R.I.P. Ricky!
J: I still miss him, he was so cute.
Q: KAJAGOOGOO.
C: (starts singing "Too Shy")
J: I hate the fact that their haircuts have come back.
Q: NEW ORDER.
H: New boring.
C: ORGY. The cover.
J: Oh yeah!! YEAH!!
H: The FRENTE cover.
(everyone is really excited and yelling by this point)
J: YEAH!!
H: She totally has FRENTE! The 6 song...
C: EP. It's an EP.
Q: When can we expect a new album?
C: The fall!! You can expect a really great slab of hits.
H: We're putting out a 12" this summer it's called "Ghost Boobs!"
(They start singing it)
C: The song is about, going to the gym, trying to lose weight...you're like I wanna look like Xena, Laura Flynn Bizzle...you have huge batwiddicalz, and you go to the gym and you're working out every day and you're like on the fuckin' tread mill...and then...
H: Your boobs go away!
C: And your boyfriend breaks up with you cause you don't have boobs anymore.
Q: Can you get The Menz EP on CD?
J: (screaming) YEAH!!! AT MY HOUSE!!!! SPAM RECORDS! They did it and then it went under cause the dude like kinda went out...and then we have stacks of 'em...SOMETIMES, OKAY! CAN I TELL YOU...there was like a stack of 20 or 30 of 'em and like a couple of kids in the house weren't eating so he took a... (everyone laughs so hard, I have no idea what was said here)...so one day we were all like hella stoned and shit...
(Junx and Chunx start screaming at each other and again, I have no idea what was said)
C: Spam Records rest in peace.
H: Hated 'em.
J: You, bitch!
H: Hated it!! (nodding to "In Living Color")
Q: What is the stupidest thing that anyone has ever said to you.
C: Can I lick your hair? Can I lick your pussy? Can I lick your ass? Can I lick your face?
J: You know, black people have the coolest hair and I love your stage moves. Were you just like born with that?
C: Maybe it's Maybelene.
J: Maybe it's make believe.
C: Black Believe.
Q: I just want to say you guys are oozing with pop culture by the way...
C: We're amazing! For the record I'm wonderful. For the record he's amazing. For the record he is beautious. For the record she is fantastic.
J: We do fuckin' rule! It's true.
Q: Is it safe to say you guys might be Russ Meyer fans?
C: I love batwiddicalz!
H: We're too young for that.
C: No, no, I like Russ Meyer.
J: I like 'Faster Pussycat'! and how non-sensical it was. "What do you mean you race for time? I'm gonna kill her in the desert."
C: "Supervixens"! I like John Waters. My favorite line is, "I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if all the oxygen in the world was gone and i was suffocating."
H: "If I can't have any, nobody can!"
C: "Not on Christmas! Not on Christmas!"
Q: "You know who I am, bitch, I'm the filthiest person alive, that's who I am!"
C: "You are guilty of assholism!"
(The John Waters quotes go on and on.)
Q: Who and what are your influences?
C: John Waters, Justin Timberlake, B-52s, "Deadly Weapons"...
J: RIOT GRRRLS!!! RIOT GRRRLS!!!
C: SLEATER KINNEY, HEAVENS TO BETSY, EXCUSE 17...
(we are then approached by a guy from the club)
X: Hey you guys, I hate to be the party pooper, but our neighbors complained and called the cops on us...you guys can get totally loud inside. This is like Nazi Germany over here.
Q: We just have one more question.
X: GO ahead, you can talk as long as you want, just don't yell. If you want to yell, just go in the back room and you can yell all you want.
J: Are you gonna take me in the back room and make me yell all I want?
(the guy leaves)
J: He had a hair on his chin, I know what that means.
(Chunx burps)
Q: The very last question, are there any final words of wisdom for our readers?
C: Don't you know you gotta make him pull out...
H: Lick it, love it, smell it...
C: Dear Andy Dick, I wanna be your boyfriend. Hey, little dick, I wanna be your boyfriend. Hey, little Andy, I wanna suck your bullshit.
J: I woulda sucked him off if I saw him. Thank God I didn't.
(All of a sudden an old woman walks by very slowly down the street pushing a wheelchair with a little dog in it...everybody is stunned)
Q: That was CRAZY.
J: I can't believe that shit just happened.
As it turns out, parts of this interview, which they filmed themselves, may run on their new DVD which should be out this fall in time for their new album. Special thanks to everyone in Gravy Train!!!!, Andy & Co., Koo's Cafe, Liz & The Echo, and you the reader who I hope is dancing in your underwear by now (Feel free to send us pictures of you dancing in your undies and we'll add them to the pictures in this interview!). Get Gravy Train!!!!'s debut album "Hello Doctor" on Kill Rock Stars in stores now as well as their EP "The Menz" which you can get on their website at http://www.rapbitches.com!
THE END!!!!
