"SMALL TOWN, USA?"

BY ROGER BOXX

Recently, I had a friend, John, try to tell me that there was a community down in Long Beach (California) built specifically for the dimensional concerns of dwarves, midgets, little people, leprechauns, and all assortment of vertically-challenged folk. Not merely an amusement park or special attraction for the diminutive, like Camp Snoopy, but a permanent subdivision of houses constructed for the small in stature. My knee jerk reaction was to grab my keys and say, "Let's go!" John deflated my excitement by informing me, that he did not know the exact location for this munchkin land. I was immediately swallowed by the sinking reality of skepticism and doubt.

It would be so fantastic to observe these little people in an observable natural habitat. I've seen the "Wizard of Oz", "Willow," Keebler Elves commercials, and a few photos of midgets in intimate situations on the Internet. Also, I've been to the Museum of Miniatures across the street from LACMA, but that is as close as I have come to visiting a genuine dwarf abode.

If there were such a magical place as John described, everyone would already know about it. They would be charging admission, sort of like the late "Lion Country Safari." Who wouldn't want to take a tour through the cottages of miniature citizens of Long Beach? Queen Mary, Spruse Goose, Aquarium of the Pacific, and Lilliputian Land. "I visited the Midget-Subdivision of Long Beach and all I got was this tight, undersized T-shirt."

So many concerns. If the entire subdivision were built for dwarfish proportions, what would happen when little people had "normal" off-spring or if (for some reason) the midgets had "normal" visitors? What an inconvenience for those towering at five feet and higher! And if all the dwellings were reduced for these petite creatures, how would they accommodate "normal" stature electricians, mail-carriers, cable-repair-people, and any other internal home repairs? Are there enough tiny repair experts in all the world to service this unbelievable community?
Of course, retiling the roof, putting up a T.V. antenna, cleaning a chimney, or cleaning rain gutters of any minuscule home are all services that could conveniently be preformed by any person of "normal" height without aid of a ladder.

The government wouldn't keep a location like that secret. Can you imagine a tourist from Albuquerque, New Mexico, taking a leisurely stroll through the communities of Long Beach, and accidentally stumbling across this spectacle? Tiny yards. Little clown-cars. Lots of Chihuahuas and wiener-dogs. Puny doors and windows. Legions of elves living side by side, ready to strike out with unbridled bitterness. Any tourist would surely soil themselves at such a sight, ruining their visit to California and leaving an indelible, bad impression of our golden state.

No, our government would clearly mark midget territory with warning signs and barbed wire, the same way our government currently protects us from toxic-waste dumps or military intstillations.

We live in the United States of America, not The United States of Dwarves. No city planning commission would permit construction of a neighborhood comprised entirely of homes with low doorknobs, knee-high sinks, tiny toilets, or inconveniently low windows? Midget-subdivisions in Long Beach? We don't buy it, John. Urban legend. Myth. Lost City of Atlantis type stuff. Go sell your bridge to the midgets, because I'm not buying what you're selling.

Roger Boxx is a contributing writer/illustrator for NO-FI "Magazine" and is not a heightist;...He just likes our buildings tall. Take THAT Al Queda!