NO-FI "MAGAZINE"
presents
"WHO'S THE EX?"
a "who's who" on the cover of issue #23
#1. Lisa - This was my first girlfriend ever and she asked me to be her boyfriend at one of our "sports-night" dances at Steven White Jr. High back in the 7th grade. (I think I was too hard to resist in my red Le Tigre jacket.) I went to visit her the next morning and she had decided that she still liked with her 20-something year old boyfriend. She was still fun to hang out with after all that though.

#2. Krista - My first "steady" girlfriend..also back in the 7th grade at the same school. She was really cool and you know she's probably really cute today. We used to make out under her house in Carson. People pressured me to break up with her because she was a "nerd" so I did...not really thinking it through that I was a total absolute nerd myself. Later in the 9th grade our friends pressured us to "go around" again, but it just didn't work out and I ended up hooking up with... (see #3)

2003 UPDATE! - I actually got an e-mail from Krista who was upset at her being on the cover, but seemed more upset about the above text. I obscured her eyes on the cover which is all I'm required to do by law. I think that's pretty reasonable. (especially when it's about a black and white photocopied couple of pieces of paper stapled together from back in 1999), but there were a couple funny things about her e-mail. I guess she thought we actually make money here at No-Fi "Magazine" (Oh, if she only knew the sad sad truth. If anyone looks around this website, they'll see a strong lack of ads, ad banners, or anything like that) and thought I was making money off of her. She also said "You never made out with me under my house in Carson. The only place that you and I EVER "made out" was your bed room on your birthday. As I recall our "steady" relationship lasted all of a month, and there was never an attempt made to "get back together" in 9th grade or ever." Oh, yeah...I forgot about that time at my 12th birthday party. Thanks Krista! My guess is that she was worried that I was implying that we had sex or something under her house which we did not (HELLO!!! We were little kids!). I didn't write anything mean about her and this whole article is about making fun of myself so I don't see the need to change what I wrote since that is what I remember (and I remember it very well). Anyway, her face is obscured and her last name is gone. I'm happy to hear she's still alive and well and I still think she was really cool back when we were in the 7th grade. So I'm sorry, Krista, that you were upset to see somebody remember you fondly on the web. I'd hate to see what you write to somebody who says something bad about you. :)

#3. Jennifer Nicholson - A very strange girl indeed, but the first girl that I could call a best friend and we were on an off between the 8th grade throughout the 10th grade. I used to ride my skateboard to her house in the middle of the night for after-hours meetings that never happened for one reason or another. She used to write bizarre notes to me that I still have to this day. You can see one of her less happy letters in the "ex letters section" of this issue.

#4. Candace W. - My first week of high school in a whole new town (South Torrance High) and I already had a new girlfriend...of course a couple weeks later or so she told me that she was just using me to get the attention of some other guy. Still, I'm pretty sure that guy wasn't around when we were making out in that alleyway behind the liquor store though...

#5. Nicolle Hutchings - I felt horrible using this bad jr high picture on the cover so I put it in the "bad picture area" where the pictures would be obscured by the text. We actually went out during high school during which she had become a model for some big surf company whose name I can't remember this moment. We soon parted and that was pretty much that.

#6. Jessica Latham - She wan't an actual "girlfriend" for more than a couple weeks, but she was one of my best friends in high school and she and her new husband (also an old friend of mine) tracked me down recently and I'm glad they did. We were off and on throughout high school and a little after, but things just didn't fit. Anyway, she has a cute kid and a really nice "huz" now and I hope we get to hang out more. (It's ok to be young and married as long as you are happy, so nyah!)

#7. Valerie - I can't imagine using a worse picture so I apologize to her wherever she is out there. Anyway, there's not much to say about her except that I was a jerk because she caught me in the school halls kissing...

#8. Candace "Candi" Mihalinko - who had a common friend with me who also liked her and told her that I was just trying to get into her pants. (I hadn't ever gotten into anyone's pants at that point...except for my own, I guess.) So from the begining I had that over my head so I had to be careful that anything I did might be misinterpreted as trying to get into her "business". Catch 22...plus I did see her behind a girlfriend's back so it was flawed from the start.

#9. Wendy Larson - Jessica Latham's best friend at the time and a very smart nice girl. Most of our boyfriend/girlfriendness was wasted while I was visiting family in another state so I missed out on two weeks of our slightly over three week long relationship. (on a side note both she and Jessica thought I was a weird kisser (which I was at the time) because I kissed with my eyes open...so they'd open their eyes and I'd be staring at them like some weirdo...which I was I guess.

#10. Tyger - came along and then my innocence was lost forever. She was the first girl I thought I really loved (and she would recite "romantic" heavy metal lyics in her letters to me...shudder!). She lived right next to our high school which was really convenient because I had to bike 8 miles to school each way in order to get out of my bad neighborhood that I was living in. It was my first experience in that kind of relationship...even though I said the contrary to her, but it must have been obvious. Anyway, she dumped me on Christmas Eve and I got a ride to her apartment that night to give her her present and hopefully to win her back, but she wasn't home and I stood outside like a dope in the pouring rain waiting for a ride home. (it's sad, but wow, how cool is that little story?!?) The thing is that despite how harsh that story sounds, we had a lot of fun in the time we were together and like all of my favorite relationships, it helped me to grow into the person I am.

#11. Stacey Burg - One of a couple girlfriends I met at some "Drama Fest" thing. It didn't last very long and she dumped me on Valentines Night. Woo, what a streak I had going there! Tain't nuttin' better than holiday break-ups!

#12. Christy - The first time I met her, she served me ice cream at Thrifty's (who have one of the best flavors of all time: Chocolate Malted Crunch). The second time I met her, I almost ran her over while jamming home after school on my bike. She was a track star at her school and we would compare each other's legs. Of course she supplied me with some Chocolate Malted Crunch every once in a while. It ended shortly after her school's homecoming dance where I ended up dancing with Jessica (who happened to be there too with somebody else) for half the night. Jessica again?!?

#13. Sundown Stewart - Didn't last long. She was quiet and shy and ended up dumping me for some guy who was cooler than me. We e-mail each other every once in a while.

#14. Michelle Stanley - She and her friend followed Jim McCray and I around the mall one day and somehow her friend and I started going out as did she and Jim. Eventually we all broke up and Michelle and I ended up together. She was really cool and we went out for a long time until we also broke up. We tried to spark our relationship up again at one point, but we just had our minds on other people.

#15. Alisha S. - Right after high school (on grad night in fact) I met Alisha at Disneyland. She was the smartest girl at her school and she worked at Magic Mountain. We lived pretty far apart and I didn't have a car so it wasn't as nice a situation as it could have been. Anyway I did get to go to Magic Mountain for free because of you (which isn't as fun when you are wondering all alone while your girlfriend is working).

#16. "Syndee" Montgomery - So I was working at the Wherehouse (a music store chain in California) with a bad haircut and I see this girl looking at Smiths tapes. I introduce myself, we exchange numbers, I find out she lives in Colorado. So we went forth anyway and we just flew out to see each other back and forth until she dumped me for a guy who eventually dumped her for another guy. I felt bad for her though even though I was feeling worse for myself. I pretty much ruined everything with...

#17. Gina T - She got me in trouble with Syndee since they were best friends. Well that's not really true since I pretty much got myself in trouble in that situation. It got worse once I actually moved to Colorado to live with her for a few months. So we parted ways. She recently e-mailed me and she has three kids now. Some of you may know about a certain song I wrote about her in my old band EAR BEYOND. She and Syndee are important people from my life.

#18. Audrey Bernal - Nice but weird girl who was stronger than me and could lift me up almost a foot.

2003 UPDATE! - Like Krista (#2 above), I also got a letter from Audrey here which was much nicer than what I got from her. Here's a bunch of the letter she sent me...

"Hey Chris,

Long time no see. I just happened to google my name for the hell of it. I saw "Audry Bernal" and froze. Lo and behold, a picture. I will admit at first I was terrified. After all, you hear all sorts of horror stories about the internet.

My husband liked the picture and laughed at the "guess the ex." commentary. I thought it was cute. It is absolutly precious to have something tangible to show for my highschool days. We read the whole thing and it was nice to know that I am not the only wierd girl you dated.

Thank you for the tastefull picture and online ettequite. Yes, I am being totally sincere when I write this."

Needless to say, this made me feel sooooo much better than the e-mail I got from Krista. If you couldn't tell from the update on Krista's info, I was really upset by what she said. Audrey, here, (as did all the other exes I'm still in contact with) obviously got it and I was very happy to hear that she's doing well (and she's married to a guy who she said is 9 times stronger than her... Yikes. She was about 14 times stronger than me, so how much stronger does that make him to me? Uh... I'd prefer not to know all you math-magicians out there.) Anyway, she was fun to hang out with and she invited me to visit her new digs in Vegas sometime so I may take her up on that when the No-Fi "Crew" invades Las Vegas in January. Yay Audrey! See THAT'S Why I thought these girls were cool in the first place. So let's get back to our story here...

#19. Erica Ford - I refer to her as "the red headed demon". I see her at Cacophony Society (L.A.) events sometimes.

#20. Rose Tong - Not much I can say. We were both friends with Marcie Flores (aka Rad Girl Marcie). She was really cool, but warned me that at that point most of her relationships lasted only a few months and it was about true for us as well.
So the idea behind this cover was that it was 1999's Holloween/Scary issue and as I said in the intro, it's pretty scary too see a bunch of your ex-girlfriends staring back at you at once. (Just imagine if I had pictures of ALL my exes! Scary indeed!) Anyway they weren't all that scary on a one on one basis and in fact they were all pretty cool or I wouldn't have put them on the cover. So if one of you is out there reading this..."Hello!" ~ Chris Beyond


Chris Beyond