Fangoria is one of my favorite magazines growing up (and one of my inspirations for doing No-Fi "Magazine") and now they are taking the next step and producing and/or distributing horror films. Now from what I've seen of their original films so far...uhhhhh...no comment,...but this film is pretty good, although I have to say that they had nothing to do with it's production as they only distributing it for the U.S. on DVD. Well it was a good choice and here is what it is all about...

The film starts with the investigation of a strange murder and a pot of stew. The investigation of the muder takes place in a dark crowded apartment and the hungary detectives can't get the delicious smell of the stew out of their minds. Of course when a stumbling police officer discovers the empty skull of the victim's head, all heads turn to the stew they had just been raving about. This sets the mood of most of the rest of the film. Comic book cuts for a horror film with a streak of dark humor (not that annoying horror humor like all but the first two Nightmare On Elm Street films). You never lose sight that this is a horror film even when funny or silly things are happening. So, after this murder leads to a whole string of serial killings, they eventually trace the killer to a woman who was reported missing after visiting a museum. It's only after this revolation that the killer is first revealed to us and we we for ourselves how these murders are carried out. I really can't tell you much more without revealing the rest of the story to you. What I can tell you that there are some great performances from the three lead actors...especially from the spunky "ex-con" girlfriend of the lead detective. One aspect of the story is like a favorite sci-fi/horror film of mine from the 80s, but I can't say which one because that'll give too much away. A good watch and the subtitles are a little off, but very readable and not too ridiculous.

One last thing...I looked up another review of this film so I would have the cast and plot in front of me for reference and I came across this other review by this brilliant reviewer. His opening statement of "There are two kinds of Japanese thrillers: Those that don't translate very well to the Western world, and those that don't translate at all" was great and showed his wide knowledge in the area, but his labeling this film as "Jap-splatter" was even better. Coming from a partial Asian background myself, one thing I know is how JAPANESE people just LOVE to be called "Japs." If you're Japanese, you should e-mail him and let him know how much you like it. By the way, his review was shite and he had no idea about what was going on in the film (which he admits), so it's safe to read since some of his statements about was happens in the film are incorrect. It's a good film, not the greatest, but worth a rental or a cheap dvd on sale if you can find it.

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BOOBY TRAP / THE TAKERS
BOOBY TRAP starring Carl Monson, Angela Carnon, directed by Harry Novak, Unrated, 1973
THE TAKERS starring Susan Apple, Kim Kiya, directed by Carl Monson, Unrated, 1972
Distributed by Something Weird Video
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

So, as usual, Something Weird has managed to pack a whole lotta stuff into one DVD. This time it is all about Schlock-King Harry Novak with a film he directed as well as another he produced...and so many extras on top of that. Whew. So Booby Trap isn't so much about boobies (and there are more than a few of those) as it is about a crazy retired marine out on a rampage with his...mines. Ok, weird concept. A man and his mines. It isn't very often you see a movie about a man going around blowing people up with mines,...but he does and this is probably the only movie with this plot. So this guy makes his way across the U.S. blowing up the occasional army man or hippy as he does. The sister of one of his victims is contacted by a special marine who I guess is special because he wear flamboyant 70s clothing complete with Butterfly collar and brown bell bottom pants...and his hair....oh, my. Speaking of flamboyant, there is a little more gay bashing in this film than I usually like (I I usually don't like any at all). The one gay character (played by an actor whom Harry Novak outs in his commentary track) gets beaten and verbally abused throughout the entire film. Eventually all the charicters meet in a (literally) explosive scene involving acting that my G.I. Joe figures that I played with as a kid easily put to shame.

The next film in this 2 movie DVD presentation is called The Takers and it is all about people taking drugs, having sex, two girls being taken hostage, then having sex, then more sex, then some more sex, and some sex again. Then some more sex. The one thing this film teaches us is that when women are forced to have sex, they quickly learn to like it. The screenplay is by a man named "Dash Freemont" and I hope a big naked man in a cowboy hat slapped him hard across the face after seeing this film. So other extras on this DVD are a bunch of trailers for other crazy films (many of which I'm sure we'll see released by Something Weird in the future. Also included are a couple shorts, one being a documentary on a biker gang called The Aliens. There is even more, but I could go on forever. Get this DVD for a group viewing at a party, but save the second feature for private viewing.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and has been booby trapped before.)

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GAS PUMP GIRLS
starring Kirsten Baker, Joe E. Ross, directed by Joel Bender & Dennis Bowen, R, 1978
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

When we ever get around to doing our No-Fi "Movies", this is certainly a genre we'll definitely have to visit. The cheesy cheesecake sex comedy about girls who start a new business, group, or club only to find themselves at odds with some stiff competition (puns are always intended with these kinds of films). See our review of H.O.T.S. for the best example of one of these films.

In this particular version of this type of film, a bunch of girls in their late twenties to late thirties have just graduated high school and find themselves taking over the gas station of one of the girls' uncle after he becomes very ill. I think the "girls" in question have different personalities and backgrounds, but they all end up topless anyway and all we are left with is a bunch of oddly shaped boobs. Perhaps Citizen Cane wouldn't have been such a lousy bomb if Orson Welles had decided to run around topless in short-shorts like the ladies in this film. Well, anyway, realizing sex sells, they run around in skimpy outfits at the gas station, have complex conversations about how to properly pump gas (seriously, this conversation is worth the rental price alone!), and use the newly installed loudspeaker to draw customers away from the "evil" gas station across the street with promises of full pumps and lurid lube jobs. In one scene a guy getting his car checked finds a randy gas pump girl naked in his back seat who pretty much has sex with him to get him to spend more on his car than he originally intended. Wow, what great role models these girls are! I wonder if they know how to spell too! So they soon have cars lining up down the block...but, c'mon...this was 70s; there was a gas crisis going on. Sure, we all found out much later that the gas shortage was artificially conceived in order to drive up gas prices, but they didn't know that...even with their overly extended high school educations. Soon they find themselves stealing gas from their "evil" neighbors, but even that doesn't satisfy the demand. What can they do?!? Will they be able to stay in business and have sex with more strangers? Oh, you know they will and it'll all be solved by some kind of wacky caper and there will be all sorts of clapping and yelling at the end, but that is part of the fun of these kinds of films. Rent this for a group viewing, but don't forget to drink a lot and dance to the music at the end too.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and hates disco dancing.)

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STARHOPS
starring Dorothy Burhman, Jillian Kesner, directed by Barbara Peeters, R, 1977
Video Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

Here is another film I found in the same genre as Gas Pump Girls. This one is called Starhops and it practically shares the same plot as Gas Pump Girls only in this film the leading ladies take over a Car Hop stand and they must defend it from the local evil evil gas station man...er...ok, the Gas Pump Girls evil nemisis was an "evil" gas station, but you gotta give Starhops something, right? Oh, and there is very little nudity in this film. A butt shot and that is about it. Anyway, it is very hard to find any info on this film on the internet and most of the sites including IMDB have misleading or wrong information on this film. I'll try my best to tell you what I can in my own way.

The film starts with a badly done Star-Wars-esque yellow scroll with a bad Vader-esque voiceover. After friends (the blonde) Angel and (redheaded vixen) Cupcake buy the place, they hire a tall and tan French girl (with one of movie history's worst French accents) to cook for the establishment which for some reason had no budget for a cook so she has to work for food and board. Upon opening, their first customer is a gristly biker who tries to rape the cook, but they get him back later by letting him surprise her in the shower without her consent...oh wait, that is TOTALLY F'D UP!!!! What they hell were the people behind this film thinking?!? Well, the director of this film (Barbara Peeters) DID direct Humanoids From The Deep which involved Sea Monsters raping unsuspecting beachgoers to impregnate them with killer Sea Monkeys. Barbara, what the hell, dude? Anyway, lets move on... So the evil Gas Corporation guy send his lazy son to Starhops to get a job there in order to spy on their goings-on. They laugh at him when he shows up to get a job (how would he fit in the uniform?), but when he threatens to sue for discrimination, they hire him on the spot and make him his own skimpy outfit to parade around in. It would have been funnier if he had to wear the same outfit they do, but oh, well. So will he get the goods on the ladies and turn them in or will he learn to love their wacky ways and fight on their side for Starhop justice? (As if you don't already know.) Will the gruff biker learn to use his attempted rape powers for good? Those are but a few of the even fewer questions to be answered when you track down a copy of this film (which from what I've read is even rarer that Gas Pump Girls). It's certainly worth a rental, but I found a site that was selling an old VHS copy for 150 dollars!!! That is fightening. I guess you can wait for a DVD version of this film, but it'll probably be years before you see one (unless some video company reads this and tracks down a clean print to distribute). This one is safe to watch with your friends who are uptight about nudity,...but who wants those kinds of friends anyway? It's a fun viewing nevertheless.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and can cook hamburgers.)

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WILLARD
starring Crispin Hellion Glover, R. Lee Ermey, directed by Glen Morgan, PG-13, 2003
Film Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

You can't get much better casting than what they did for this film, a remake of the original "Willard" from 1971. Crispin Hellion Glover (star of "Wild At Heart", "Back To The Future", and the author of "Rat Catching") is the perfect choice for the title role of Willard; a timid office worker who is being forced out of his family business while having to care for his elderly mother. While trying to kill the mice that have invaded his creepy old house's basement, Willard takes pity on a white mouse trapped on a glue sheet that he had set and keeps it for a pet which he names Socrates. Soon though, Socrates brings friends including a huge rat named Big Ben and when Willard is pushed into the edge of Madness, he trains the rats and mice to do his bidding. It starts simple enough with a simple act of revenge, but after an event that pushes Willard's mind over the brink, he uses them for more serious reasons.

It's so rare in American horror films these days for a film to take it's time to tell you a good story. Also, the lack of a soundtrack featuring the latest chart-topping commercial hits was very welcome and needed. Willard 2003's score is excellent and Crispin Glover's cover version of "Ben" (by Michael Jackson) kept the audience in the theatre as the credits rolled. The art direction was great and there were many cool camera moments. A lot of people might be turned off by its slower pace (more in line with Japanese films like "Ring" or "Audition"). Still the film doesn't run too short or long. I was also happy that the director chose to ignore modern film standards like romance or "overexplaining" the story. Don't you hate it when movies do that? Anyway, this is a good film and a rare acting showcase from some very talented people and it would be a good thing to catch it while it is in the theatre.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and is scared of spiders.)

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REVIEWS FROM FEBRUARY 2003

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PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
starring Paul Williams, William Finley, directed by Brian DePalma, PG, 1974
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

Before The Rocky Horror Picture Show was this "Rock Musical" featuring music by (and starring) the man behind the music of The Muppet Movie: Paul Williams. I first saw this film when I was a little kid and many of the films images haunted me until I bought the DVD last year and saw it again. Phantom Of The Paradise is a modern (modern in the 70s) retelling of The Phantom Of The Opera story, but in this case the story revolves around a strange music composer named Winslow whose music impresses the bizarre record company owner Swan. Swan likes the music, but he doesn't like the man behind the notes and when he steals the music and shuns the composer, Winslow tries to sabotage the company finding himself disfigured after getting his head caught in a record making machine. He returns as the phantom and soon starts to cause trouble in Swan's Paradise club. Swans notices Phantom Winslow's affection for a certain singer hired to perform Winslow's opera based on the story of Faust and makes a deal with him to finish writing the musical in exchange for her getting the lead part. All I gotta say is I gotta get an interview with Paul Williams sometime, cuz that guy could write some songs. This is a good movie to watch in a group and it's in widescreen so you get the full picture. My only problems with the dvd are the lack of commentary and the "trailer" included with the film which is more like a compilation of scenes from the film with no voiceover or titles. (How would anyone know what the film was back then if that relly were the trailer?) I highly recommend this one and two or three of those songs are probably going to get stuck in your head until you see it again (I found the soundtrack on vinyl last year too! Hah--ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!)

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and will wind up burning too.)

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TOMIE
starring Miho Kanno, Mami Nakamura, directed by Ataru Oikawa, Unrated, 1997
DVD Reviewed By: Chris Beyond

A girl named Tsukiko is undergoing hypnotherapy to try to recover from amnesia brought on after witnessing a brutal accident while in high school. Little does she know that her new neighbor in the apartment below hers has been carrying a human head in a bag around town and may actually hold the link to her locked away memories. This was a pretty weird film and the terrible subtitles (although easy to read) made it even weirder. It was based on a Japanese comic book and you KNOW that the comic book version was probably even weirder. The film stock and music makes me think that the film would have looked the same if it were shot in the 70s. The music is a standout in the film and I don't even kow where to start to try to find the soundtrack. I don't want to tell you too much about the film, but there are a lot of dead bodies all over the place (including one with an umbrella shoved through the person's head). I could see David Lynch doing a really cool remake of this film. MInd you it is of the Japanese "slowbore" style of horror filmaking and it takes it's time, but it is certainly worth a couple rentals. Get this one for a night with a girl that makes you crazy.

(Chris Beyond is the editor of No-Fi "Magazine" and is the liking of good subtitled.)

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