This is one of those things we've been meaning to do, but never got around to it. We always say what our favorite album of the year is, but this year we're taking it a little farther...perhaps even too far (hint: sensitive viewers shouldn't read the last two entries...especially at work). Anyway here are our picks for the best, worst, and creepiest of 2004...and yes, there are dick jokes at the bottom of the page.

as reviewed by Chris Beyond

This is the one album that I listened to the most this year and sadly this is Atom's last Atom And His Package album. In fact this is a recording of the very last Atom And His Package concert which took place last year in Philadelphia. I picked this album as No-Fi "Album Of The Year" because it best represents just what we're all about here at No-Fi "Magazine". This is a total do-it-yerself live album from somebody who has bent music into a whole new direction.

It's really hard to describe Atom's music. I guess you can say that Atom sings smart nerd rock/punk lyrics over an orchestra of amazingly sequenced electronic keyboards and beats which can go from waltzes to punk to death metal in a heartbeat. Usually the songs are about some odd subject that fascinates or bothers Atom and every one of his songs is a different experience. This album captures him in top form although there are some sound level problems on a few of the tracks which are explained in the booklet as coming from having to switch out the recorder at the last minute (and hey, how no-fi is that?). Still, the level problems at the beginning get in the way of the feel of the album at all. In between songs like "Anarchy Means I Litter", "Me and My Black Metal Friends", and "If You Own the Washington Redskins You're a Cock" we finally get to hear Atom's stage persona which is another reason I'm sad I never got to see him perform live before he quit his own solo band as he is really funny on stage. The album opens with "(Lord It's Not Hard To Be Happy When You're Not) Using the Metric System" and he, pretty much, sets up the tone for the rest of the show by explaining the story behind each song before playing them. This comes in handy with the lengthy explanation for the song "Shopping Spree" which we learn was stolen from a band he saw in a bar that only had that one good song among a bunch of crappy ones (I've since learned to skip the intro on this one on my stereo). I can go on and on about this album, so I'll stop myself here, but you really should go out and get this album for something very different than anything you've heard before.

As a bonus this CD comes with a bonus DVD with all sorts of Atom And His Package goodies including video of the ENTIRE concert from which the audio was taken from this album. Seeing all the lo-fi punk nerd kids singing along to the lyrics of "Punk Rock Academy" warms my heart and I realize that no matter what, everything is going to be ok. This really is the album of the year and I'm sure most of you haven't heard of it. So whattaya waiting for? Now is as good a time as any to go out and buy it. And once you have it you'll be singing these songs in your head for the rest of your life.

directed by Edgar Wright
as reviewed by Ryan Lies

This is, by far, the super coolest, bad-assiest movie of the year! Not only is it the best horror film of 2004, or the best comedy of 2004, it's the best horror-comedy in just about forever! Great comedic horror films are few and far between (Evil Dead 2, Ghostbusters, The Raven, Return of the Living Dead, Friday the 13th Part 5: the New Beginning) but this one earns its place right up among the best of 'em.

A huge hit in the UK which did well in the U.S. too, if you haven't seen it in the theaters or on DVD you should see it as soon as you can. Shaun tells the story of a down on his luck, but wholly well-intentioned dolt and former club DJ named, well, Shaun. He's having the requisite trouble at work, with his roommates (one funny but slovenly, the other a serious stick in the mud and, naturally, both hate each other) and his lovely but despondent girlfriend (who loves him but is tired of his forgetfulness and immaturity.) And, if that wasn't enough for one poor sap to deal with, there just do happens to be a plague of zombies overtaking his quiet little town.

At first, Shaun is oblivious to the encroachment of undead, lending the film some of its funniest moments (it's amazing how similar drunk people and zombies really are), but once he and his roommate Ed are attacked he dons the role of reluctant hero, rushing to save his mom, his estranged girlfriend, and the entire city!

There's plenty of gooey gore along the way along with enough piss-your-pants jokes that you almost miss stuff cuz you're laughing so damn hard. Look for several in-jokes that play wonderful homage to past zombie classics like Night of the Living Dead and Evil Dead (yeah, yeah I know, I don't actually consider Evil Dead a "zombie" movie, either, but whatever. I'm letting these guys get away with it.) The script is pure genius. The way they slowly build the zombie attack is brilliant! As the story begins and unfolds, we just catch glimpses of images on passing television sets, or out of focus behind characters going about their business on the sidewalk. At one point we see an army convoy speed by but Shaun is too preoccupied by his own consternation to really notice.

But what really sells the flick is the fact that the main characters are so well drawn that you can't help but fall for 'em, and emotionally involve yourself in their plight. Some of the supporting characters aren't as fleshed out, but they don't really need to be. The focus here is on Shaun, and his roommate Ed. And I can't think of two other characters in recent memory that were more fun to spend my time with. The performances and dialogue are just pitch-perfect (even in the lesser sculpted characters). Look for a cameo by Paltrow-beau and COLDPLAY frontman Chris Martin.

This movie hits barely a false note, and manages to balance its comedic and horrific moments nearly perfectly. And both work splendidly. Just when you catch your breath from laughing something truly freaky or gory happens, and vice versa. This is the movie horror fans, and more specifically zombie fans have been waiting for: a spoof that pokes fun without condescending to its source material, and actually manages to be just as scary as its source material at the same time. No easy feat, that. And the great thing is that you don't have to be a horror fan to love this. The jokes are funny for anyone with a taste for dark humor. In the end it is just about an average guy who just wants to prove himself to his friends and family....with zombies.

published by Bungie Studios

When this game came out last year exclusively for the X-Box, it was one of those rare times where I dropped everything and just played this game. In fact I stopped playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas AND Silent Hill 4 because of this game which is a great feat because those are excellent games too.

The story in Halo 2 in singeplayer mode takes place right after you left off in Halo. Only now, you take on the role of the Master Chief (I always want to call him Master Chef) AND one of the Covenent Elites (a member of a race of super-religious aliens) who has his own set of missions that lead he and the Master Chief to meet and work together.

What pushes this and the original Halo over the top were their excellent multiplayer modes. What pushes this one over the top over the original is the new online multiplayer mode. Now you too can meet all the same rednecks, racists, and undesireables I do when I play this game online. Now don't get me wrong, this IS a great online game, but seriously, I find myself playing with really lame people at least once every three games. I'm still a mediocre player at this point (and, yes you can find me under my name; Chris Beyond), but imagine the satisfaction of blasting somebody in the face who won't stop saying "white power" over the intercom.

You can break down lame players in Halo 2 by two types; the racist/homophobe or the spoilers. The spoiler players basically are there to ONLY ruin the game for everyone else. For example in an "ASSAULT" game, the object is to get a bomb into your enemy's base. A Spoiler player will grab the bomb and hold on to it, daring you to take it from him. The only way to do that is to kill him because he or she won't usually drop the ball on their own. So if you kill them for hogging the bomb, they have the option of booting you out of the game which affects your personal ranking and clan ranking. And you can't just quit unless you also want to have your overall ranking go down. So you're forced to let the other team win (ALSO affecting your ranking). All you are able to do is leave negative feedback and hope they don't leave it for you too. In one game I left several negative feedback messages about a Spoiler player and the next night I saw my OWN ranking go down. Pretty lame, but you can avoid these players once you arrange parties online with enough players as to avoid the lame people.

The gameplay and controls are perfect, but the weapon balance isn't as good as the first game as the almost useless needler weapon is TOTALLY useless by itself now. Even the Bungie staff admits to never using it. They powered it down due to the new ability to dual wield weapons, but nobody even bothers because having two needlers usually isn't as good as having one automatic rifle if you're good enough with it.

And even after ALL that, this is still the best game released last year. The single player game is more than than the first Halo game and there's nothing like shooting other real players in the face in multiplayer mode. Plus sometimes it's just fun to sit back and listen to people speak over their headsets. The best one I heard was when a kid told his friends after a game that he had to quit playing. When they all began protesting, he said, "DUDE!!! I got P.E. tomorrow!!!" I wish I were recording the audio from that.

by Lucasfilm

Seriously, how can this boxed set NOT be the DVD Release of 2004? You know the films...Episodes IV, V, and VI plus an extra disc of extras (duh). If you consider yourself a sci-fi fan who collects DVDs and you don't have this, you are probably suicidal and somebody should help you. So what if you hate The Ewoks?!? Each of those Ewoks kicks the face off of Jar Jar anytime.

I do have a few problems though. I really wish that they would have released all the deleted scenes which you might be able to find in bootleegs or on the web. I'd complain about these being the "special editions" of the films (for example THE EMPIRE SRIKES BACK was an almost perfect film which is now flawed by those inserted scene (making the film special in that OTHER meaning of the word "special." Still this is one of the most influential sci-fi series of all time and should really be a part of your collection.

featuring Quin, Jeff Roe, and Amy Voorhees

I

That's right. The actual president that we actually elected and for some reason he seemed to have wanted nothing to do with the Oval Office since his election in 2000. How lazy can you be? Oh sure he grew a beard for a while which kinda gave him a Lincoln appearance sorta kinda, but that couldn't hide the fact that he should have been making the kind of decisions that ended up in the hands of an idiot from Texas. A lot of people don't know that the real reason he grew the beard was because he was on tour playing keyboard with GRANDADDY.

It was a very close call, but my artistic heart had to go with Takara's MICROMAN line. I loved the original MICRONAUTS toys when I was a little kid and I fell in love with them again when I went to Japan a couple years ago and bought a reissue of one of the original toys. Then last year the brand new Micromen body types started coming out which featured an insane amount of articulation and cool color choices for the figures and their accessories.

The new Micromen look like a "natural" evolution from the original series. They sill have silver head and clear or basic colored bodies, but the hairstyles are better scupted and the bodies look like they could be miniature art figures. They picked up licensees from Gatchaman (aka Battle Of The Planets), Batman, and Devilman. I have to say my two favorite figures at the moment may be a tie between the Devilman and the Catwoman figures. They've also put out Microlady and Acroyear figures which can act as friends and foes to the Micromen. This year they have even more cool ideas coming out this year, but we'll have to wait until next year to see if they can take best toy line of the year for the 2nd year in a row.

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A Star Wars Power Of The Force Lando Calrissian action figure in the package signed by Ernie Hudson is definitely the coolest toy I got in 2004. Yes, THE Ernie Hudson...star of Ghostbusters...who never starred in any of the Star Wars films. My friend Bill passed this on to me for my birthday who said that Ernie signed it willingly, but looked at his friend who got the autograph like he was retarded.

On a side note, I actually met Ernie Hudson when I was a little kid. I was with my dad and we were just walking out of a screening of Ghostbusters at the Old Towne Mall in Torrance. And out of nowhere pulls up the Ghostbusters Mobile from the film (this really is a true story, btw). Out of the car pops out Ernie Hudson IN COSTUME who proceeds to sign autographs. He signed a promotional one sheet for me and then left.

Sadly he signed it in white crayon and after a few years of sitting on my shelf in my hot room in Carson, the wax eventually melted off the poster. But because of this toy, I finally got his autograph back. Cool, huh. You know,...they make a big deal in the commentary for the Empire Strikes Back DVD about how Billy Dee WIlliams had trouble remembering his lines. I think that is a lame admission to make since he isn't there to defend himself, but just imagine a world where Ernie Hudson played Lando instead of Billy Dee. That would still have been a cool casting choice.

ara Reid's Franken-nipples? Oh my gawd, they even looked a little green in those series of nipple slip shots from the infamous Puff Dadd...er...P-Diddy, whatever party.

THIS is a huge reason why I'm against people getting breast enhancements just because they think it will help their career. I love boobs and I love nipples, but I'd rather be with someone who was a triple negative A than with a woman who thought that getting fake boobs would help her land that big part in a picture. I DO understand it in extreme cases like breast cancer or if they are abnormal in some way., but we saw her breasts in ROAD TRIP and surgery like this wasn't needed.

The saddest thing about this was hearing her explain why she thought people were talking about her exposed nipple. She thought that it was just because she was a celebrity. But you and I know that everyone was talking about how she mutilated herself. Did you know that if you get breast enlargement or reduction that they often remove the nipples and put them back so that they will be more "centered" wit the new breast size? Otherwise you may end up with those nipples that point up, down, or to the sides. Let that be a lesson to you ladies getting off the bus into Hollywood. Hollywood figuratively chewed her up and spit it out...onto her boob.

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and here's the one you've all been waiting for...

A reporter for WVEC in Virginia named Allison Williams was fired when a tape came out showing her not only giving a blowjob, but using a vibrator. Normally not a big deal. The only problem was that the man getting the blowjob was the news cameraman...and this was all recorded in the back of their news van. Ouch. One of the stars of the TV show Hell's Kitchen named Abi Titmus was found on a homemade video having sex with her boyfriend and another woman. She was fired for this too, but I think that is pretty lame. Even if it was a publicity stunt, it's just sex.

Another Baywatch star Gina Lee Nolin had sex tapes "leaked" out featuring a lackluster blowjob and aborted penetration. Things really started getting weird when U.S. Survivor star Jenna Lewis had several sex videos supposedly stolen and sold over the internet and then former WWE wrestler Chyna had a tape "lost" and then finally officially released on DVD. The "highlights" (or "lowlights") on that tape feature anal sex and most disturbing of all is Chyna's clitoris which could be 2 to 3 inches long. I don't know if she ever claimed to use or not use steroids, but if you need proof that she did, there it is.

And no I didn't forget... In the scene that caused her to lose her agent...actress Chloe Sevigny giving actor/director Vincent Gallo a blowjob in the film BROWN BUNNY. My friend Claire Donner saw this film in a theater in New York and said that a man sat in the seat right in front of her looking back to watch her periodically thoughout the film. As soon as the blowjob scene was over, he left. How creepy is that? I haven't seen the film, but I can say it qualifies as creepy only because I know a little about Vincent Gallo's private life. So, yeah it's pretty creepy.

And R Kelly...That guy was putting out sex tapes faster than he was putting out remixes of his own songs. His creepy blowjob was followed by peeing all over a 13 year old girl. 13 years old? Isn't there a word for somebody who has sex with young kids? Another creepy thing about this was all the public figures talking about how they saw the tapes. Isn't just watching a tape like that illegal? It's certainly pretty icky.

So who wins "Creepiest Celebrity Blowjob of 2004"? Oh sure you think it's going to be Paris or Chyna, huh? Well, I think that these tapes may have possibly come out on purpose for whatever publicity they might have helped in getting (especially after the Paris tape), but the winner of Creepiest Celebrity Blowjob goes to JENNA LEWIS, who while giving what looks like a great round of several BJs, turned out to be the person who "stole the tape."

All the sites selling the Jenna Lewis sex tape turned out to be directly linked to her, herself. Yep. She got caught selling her own sex tapes to the public. So congratulations. You're a celebrity now, but you're now famous for being that girl from Survivor who tried to stretch out that 15 minutes by having sex on camera. But I can't be too hard on her. They do crazy things in Europe too. By the way, did anyone else notice that many of these people have been involved in reality TV shows? They really DO love to be on camera 24/7.