No-Fi "Magazine" presents
THE BESTEST AND WORSTEST OF 2005



So another year is behind us...and what a year it was. 2005...yikes. 2005 was a total bitchbastard. The thing is that just like the eighties when things got bad, some really good music can come out of a bad situation...and 2005 had some great music. In fact it was really hard to pick the best album of 2005 especially because ALL of the nominees were excellent. REALLY excellent. The past No-Fi "album of the year" picks were never about what was popular. It's about what deserves to be heard and in many cases isn't being heard by a lot of people. Please read our picks for the best and worst of 2005 and remember that this year of 2006 is going to be even better. It has to. The gods owe us one.

By the way, these are all the best and/or worst of 2005 in our opinions. If you have a different opinion, that's great.

BEST ALBUM:

CREEKBIRD "TRAGIC TREASURES"

Creekbird is an honest to goodness one man band. That's when he's not playing keyboard for my favorite L.A. band THE CENTIMETERS; a band whose every member has so much talent that each of them spread it around in several other bands and projects just to keep it in check lest they destroy the world. After teasing us with some of his new songs on NO-FI "RADIO", Creekbird released his newest album "Tragic Treasures" in 2005.

Every Creekbird album I own is excellent. "Fishsticks" will forever be a classic in my book and "Ice Cream Camp" contains a lot of his best work. They're both hard records to beat. "Tragic Treasures" does its best to do just that.

"Tragic Treasures" starts of with dark and heavy guitars peppered with spooky laughter in the song "My Illustrious Scheme" leading one to believe that this is going to be a break from his other work...only after a few seconds the song becomes an upbeat number spiced up with cartoon samples and wonderful lyrics. That's followed by "Got To Get The Devil Out Of Me" which solidifies that this IS a Creekbird album. It does make you wonder just what is "the devil" that he needs to get out of himself when you actually listen to the lyrics. "Blah Blah Blah" might give one the impression upon hearing the name that no thought went into the song, but that couldn't be further from the truth with xylophones, horns, bouncy bass and a chorus that could've been co-written by Brian Wilson. "Be A Sweetheart" is my current favorite song on the album. It also contains a sample which reveals where the title of the album came from. This is the perfect example of what Creekbird's sound is all about. Creekbird often writes these sweet little love songs, but there is always some hint of danger beneath it all. Like songs that that nice guy Norman who runs the motel on that dark and quiet road would write. The chorus "Let's never marry...and make things scary. You needn't be my wife. Just be a sweetheart and be with me for the rest of my life" is so brilliant to me. The sound feels like you are racing down a mod-style Tunnel Of Love and you never know when it's gonna end until it's too late. "The Conjourer" casts Creekbird in the role of a mystical songwriter who uses his musical powers to cast spells on lovers led astray. I can imagine Ren & Stimpy bouncing around to the music of "`Round A Piece Of Art". In fact you can almost imagine this entire album being written in some parallel cartoon universe where Creekbird is king. "What's The Point" is a nice mix of 1920s ragtime and 1970s CB Radio favorites... Yes, they can meet somewhere. This 13 track album ends with Creekbird's take on the crooning number with the song "I Can Feel Your Pain" which has vibes of Morrissey, THE BEATLES, and even Frank Zappa. It's the perfect way to end this album which refuses to be bound into any musical genre and a perfect representation of the kind of music we like to promote here in No-Fi "Magazine". This is why "Tragic Treasures" is the No-Fi "Magazine" album of the year 2005. ~cb

Gorilla Suit Records, http://www.myspace.com/kingcreekbird

Runners Up: ARTICHOKE "26 Scientists Vol. 1", DANGERDOOM "The Mouse And The Mask", THE FLAKES "Back To School", MORRISSEY "Live At Earl's Court", GRANDADDY "From The Diary Of Todd-zilla", THE WILLOWZ "The Willowz", RED BACTERIA VACUUM "Roller Coaster", TOKYO ELECTRON "Tokyo Electron"

BEST FILM:

STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH
Directed by George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd.

I mean, c'mon! How can this seriously NOT be the best film of 2005. Sure it was flawed, but for most of you, was there seriously anything you anticipated seeing longer than this film? It took just a couple years shy of 30 years just to close out the films in this series.

If you've seen the film, skip this paragraph. Revenge Of The Sith takes place some years after the last film Attack Of The Clones and is set during the Clone Wars that we had first heard about in a throw away line in the 1977 original. Jedi knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker enter the frame in an astounding shot of a terrible space battle where space ships, large and small, are firing on each other. Their crash landing on the enemy ship that houses Chancellor Palpatine; the kidnapped leader of the Republic. After Anakin is ordered to kill somebody even after he has beaten him in a battle, he begins to doubt his place in the ranks of the Jedi. This leads down a dark spiral of anguish and betrayal that will destroy the Republic and create the Dark Sith Lord Darth Vader who we all know well from episodes 4 through 6.

Let me get it out of the way... "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" That was the uttered word which broke the mood that the whole film had led up to. Up to that point which takes place at the end of the film, you could almost say that this was a perfect Star Wars film. Let's hope that nothing happens to scre-"Noooooooooooooo!!!" Within 2 days I had seen the film 3 times in the theater (including the Cine-rama dome) and at each showing, the theaters erupted with laughter when a certain somebody on screen yelled that out very out of character. We were able to forgive the film when earlier a certain blue skinned character fell down in a way that only a bad actress could do. We forgave the film when Natalie Portman was suddenly VERY skinny to the point that she looked almost skeletal and then was normal again in the next scene (the DVD commentary explained that it was shot as a pickup during post production). We even forgot about all of 3P0's corny jokes in the last film that seemed like they let the writers of Scooby Doo write all of his dialogue. This was a "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" that will forever be that little chip on one of the best plates of your China cabinet.

Still, General Grievous, the betrayal of the clones, Yoda lopping off a soldier's head, not to mention his intense love for Chewbacca and the Wookies... This was a GREAT film. All those films up for best picture this year are eventually going to be forgotten long before any of the Star Wars films will. I enjoyed every minute of this film except for the seeming 3 or 4 hours it took for the dreaded "Noooo..." to be spoken. And more than likely, you did to. Oh, and this is probably the most expensive independent film ever made so we even have that angle. All of this, the story, and my own personal feelings of nostalgia are why this is the No-Fi "Magazine" Movie of 2005. ~cb

Runners Up: The Aristocrats, Batman Begins, Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room, Sin City, A History Of Violence, Land Of The Dead, Murderball

WORST FILM:

SON OF THE MASK
Directed by Lawrence Guterman, New Line Cinema

Dear God in heaven...I know you probably don't exist. In fact this movie pretty much proves it. Why why why why? But then again, only about 4 people saw it...and that probably includes the people who worked on the film. If you saw this film on purpose, you are probably a bad bad person and probably should be in jail right now if you aren't already. So anyway, millions of dollars were spent creating this film. Had those millions of dollars been spent on cancer research, getting homeless families off of the street, or even thrown out of a plane over the ocean after being set on fire, I think the world could have been a better place. ~cb

BEST TV SHOW

THE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY
Directed by Michael Blieden, Comedy Central

Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, and Maria Bamford had a dream...Well they each had a dream. ...several dreams, really. Weird dreams, funny dreams, gay dreams, sex dreams... You name it. The point is that these four comedians have the ability to have dreams. And that is something you can't take away from them. When these four "dreammakers" (as I shall call them) put their heads together, they came up with the idea of doing a tourfilm that followed their on and off stage antics as they traveled from city to city playing rock show venues rather than the typical comedy bars with the hopes that people would look at their lives of being comedians on the road in a more serious light than comedians have been allowed in the public eye. Unfortunately - or even, perhaps fortunately - those off stage antics were deemed to be hilarious wackerty and the correct levers and buttons were fiddled with and the decision was made to film another leg of the tour for Comedy Central. From Patton and Brian's nerd culture musings to Zach and Maria's more surrealist take on comedy, these are certainly some of the best live comedic acts of today. The Comedians Of Comedy is definitely the best television series of 2005 in terms of originality, reality, and certainly personality. It's also dang-tootin' funny too. One thing that a lot of people don't know about me is that I grew up worshiping comedians in the same way I cared about music. I even had a Steve Martin poster on my closet door. In the same way I look at music for No-Fi "Magazine" - looking for bands that shape new sounds and directions - I also look for those same qualities in comedians. The four comedians documented in this reality series are just that. Plus from meeting half of the cast at parties and events, I can say that they are also nice people too. If you didn't get to see the show when it first aired, I'm pretty sure that like the original tour film that started it all, these will - and should - end up on DVD...and hopefully uncensored so we can see Brian's titties. ~cb

Runners Up: Arrested Development, Lost, Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions, Robot Chicken, South Park, The Surreal Life, The Simpsons

BEST VIDEO GAME

HALO 2 - MULTIPLAYER MAP PACK
Bungie Studios, X-Box

Playboy - The Mansion was built for a person like me. Not because of the naked playmates running around, but because it really seemed to be made just for people like ME...people who run their own publications. On the surface, guys will buy this game because it features naked gals running around all over the place that you - as Hugh Hefner - can do with what you please (except for a few celebrity guests whose real life counterparts wouldn't allow for sex romps), but the reality of the game is actually much deeper than that...even if it doesn't venture too far into the deepest end of the pool. In the game, you play Hugh Hefner at the begining of the Playboy empire. You must hire photographers, writers, mansion staff, and models. You can even customize the characters to create your own celebrities or versions of your friends. Personally I made Annette Funicello into a Playmate. Wow...there is something so creepy about that. The game gives away a key secret in the making of the actual Playboy Magazine empire. You must constantly throw parties in order to meet celebrities to either interview in the magazine or feature in photoshoots (which you also do yourself). I even talked to a former employee of Playboy after getting this game and she said that IS EXACTLY how it works over there. So in the game, month after month, you build the Playboy empire by putting together issues. You even control how much ad content there is and the price of each month's issue. THAT IS SOOOO NERDY!!! I LOVE IT! It made me realize that the stuff I do for Playboy isn't that far off from what they do there. In fact, it even gave me some tips to help me buckle down our issues for 2006. Sure, the game does have its flaws. The photoshoots are for the most part very limited in terms of poses. Also, this is supposed to be the begining of the Playboy empire, BUT it is set in modern day rather than the 50's. I would REALLY have loved for this game to be set back then with the look of the mansion, guests, and the Playmates changing over the decades. If they decide to make a sequel, they really need to take my advice here. I also wish the issue deadline system were a little more tighter.

So that is the game I spent the 2nd most time playing last year...but when it came down to it, the best video game experience I had in 2005 was playing the new downloadable maps for 2004's No-Fi videogame of the year, HALO 2. You can try to say that in the war of sex and violence, violence won. But what it actually came down to was between choosing a magazine production Sim or choosing to shoot virtual rednecks in the face in the best online videogame ever created for a game console. Finally we can fight in an urban setting with the new map "Turf", a winter setting with one of the best new maps "Containment", and possibly my favorite new map "Terminal" which features a train running through the map that you must avoid hitting (or rather it hitting you). With all the new maps you have almost double the maps you started with for a total of 21 maps adding serious replay value to a video game that already had excellent replay value do to the online factor of the game which is even better than playing by yourself. It still left us wanting more, but unfortunatly we'll have to wait another year or more before we get another taste of Halo action...this time on the X-Box 360. If you bought the disc for these maps, rather than downloading them for free or for a fee online, you also get behind the scenes videos and a new short Halo movie which continues the space opera mythos from the point of view of the Human marines.

If you own Halo 2 and you don't have the new maps, you have made baby Jesus cry. ~cb

Runners Up: Playboy - The Mansion (X-Box), We Love Katamari (Playstation 2), Destroy All Humans (X-Box), Doom 3 (X-Box), Mercenaries (X-Box), The Warriors (X-Box)

BEST AND WORST LONG FORM MUSIC VIDEO

R KELLY "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET CHAPTERS 1-12"
Directed by R Kelly & Jim Swaffield, Zomba Films

Ok, ok, let's get it out of the way before talking about the video. Yes, R Kelly is involved in a court case where a video was uncovered that shows him having sex and then peeing all over a little girl ("allegedly" but c'mon - it sounds like everyone is pretty sure it's him). If you've seen it online and know what I'm talking about then guess what? You watched child pornography. Good going sport. Now you know why your friends don't talk to you anymore after you bragged about seeing it. It's because they know you are a pervert, sicko.

That being said, this is the first 12 chapters of R Kelly's long form music video "Trapped In The Closet". I'm not a fan of Kels (as he is called by friends and people who wish they were) and I certainly never planned on watching any videos he produced due to the paragraph above. Still this non-pornographic Kels DVD found its way into my DVD player after a friend loaned it to us. What it contains are 12 sections of an overlong and way overdramatic R&B song about a man having a bad day after being caught in an affair where he finds himself trapped in the closet of the woman he woke up with after her husband returns home. Personally I thought that all the chapters played out while he was in the closet, but that's only the first chapter. Everything that follows is so ridiculous that if this were a book rather than a music video, no publisher would touch it due to a story that a 12 year old could just as easily think of. The music isn't very inspired either as the singing rarely changes over the same music loops that starts all over again in each of the chapters.

Never before have you heard so many descriptions of a person walking up to something. "He walks up to the closet; He comes up to the closet; Now he's at the closet; Now he's opening the closet." Sometimes the chapters are uncensored. Sometimes they are censored. Sometimes words are censored when later they go uncensored. It really is sloppy DVD making. At some point in the story, a midget with asthma becomes involved. It's at that point you realize that this whole video has to be a joke... Wait, what? There's commentary? Ah yes... The commentary. The badly edited commentary... After watching the bizarre 45 minute epic that is Trapped In The Closet, you have the option to watch it again with...and I mean WITH R Kelly who fills you in on the secrets of the video. Like when we clearly see his character is trapped in the closet, R Kelly tells us, "Now this is the part where I'm trapped in the closet." Oh my gawd... R Kelly was completely serious about this video. He also doesn't understand the meaning of the word cliffhanger. I love it when he described character traits like the fact that the midget has asthma as a cliffhanger. It would be bad if he did that a few times, but he does it all throughout the commentary. Those of you who thought Kels was an idiot when he was caught being married to the late singer Aaliyah when she was only 15 (the marriage was annulled) will be very satisfied after watching the commentary.

So because this series was the best visual/audio trainwreck that we loved to watch even though we hated it at the same time, "Trapped In The Closet" was the best AND worst longform music video of 2005.

And as my friend Rebecca said; Kels...Maybe you should stop calling yourself the "Pied Piper Of R&B." If you knew anything about The Pied Piper story and want to change your image as a child molester, perhaps it would be best to drop that title. ~cb

BEST CELEBRITY MOMENT - A THREE WAY TIE!!!

KANYE WEST ON GEORGE BUSH

"George Bush doesn't care about black people!" It escaped Kanye West's mouth after he decided not to read the script he was given. This went out live on NBC during a Hurricane Katrina fundraiser. Mike Meyers looked lost. West preceded the statement with a speech that included "I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, "They're looting." You see a white family, it says, "They're looking for food." Thank You Kanye for speaking what seems to be the truth. It was, after all, George Bush who praised Michael Brown's work in New Orleans and promised that Trent Lott's home would be rebuilt and be just as amazing as it was before the storm hit. George Bush DOESN'T like black people and George Bush has overstayed his welcome. ~cb

TOM CRUISE GETS SQUIRTED IN THE FACE!

Say what you want about Tom Cruise; his creepy "religion", his outspokenness about being against mental medication, and his marriage to Katie Holmes... He's not the worst guy in the world by any means. And when out promoting The War Of The Worlds in the UK, Tom took the time to speak to reporters next to the red carpet. After answering a few stock answers to questions, Tom was squirted on his face and clothes with water from a fake microphone. You think, "Ok ha ha. A celebrity gets squirted with water." But seriously think about that. That didn't have to be water. That could have been pee or battery acid for all you know. If somebody squirted me with a liquid out of nowhere, you can be sure that I'd be freaked out and get mad just like he did. Did Tom go Hulk on the guys? No. In fact when his people tried to pull him away from the guys, he refused to leave. Instead he grabbed one of the guys, asking him why they would do such a thing, reminding him that he was being nice to them (which he really was if you've seen the video). The guy didn't really have a good answer. Tom called him a jerk. The squirter and his friends were arrested. Tom gets the best celebrity moment of 2005 because he didn't run away (as I would have). He got in their face and confronted them. So say what you want about Tom. If you squirt him in the face, he's gonna get right in yours. ~cb

TARA REID DRUNKEN DIMPLE BUTT

Personally, my favorite "celebrity moment" of 2005 was Tara Reid. I'm considering her entire existence in 2005 one horrible celebrity moment. Basically, some asshole at the E! channel gave her a show and she was dumb, drunk, and bloated the entire time. I really enjoyed those pictures of her. You know the ones I’m talking about. The pictures where Tara's flabby dimpled ass hangs out of her skirt while she rolls around on the floor like a dog. This all happened while she partied on the Riviera with that slut Paris Hilton. Yes, Tara Reid. I think she's the best celebrity moment because can anyone remember the last time she actually acted, but this drunken debutante gets to remain classified as a "celebrity". I love her for her play dough like tummy and her horrifically bad boob-job. I love her because exposing her mangled nipple to the world (as seen in last year's best of/worst of 2004) while she was loaded out of her mind only got her more notoriety. Mostly, I love her because let's face it; if I were famous I would be totally like her. And I am a narcissist and stuff along with being awesome. And any bitch that stars in a Cohen Brothers film and just basically abandons her career to be drunk every goddamn day — well, they are my hero, of course. ~sc

BEST TOY LINE:

MARVEL LEGENDS by TOY BIZ

NERD ALERT - on me!!! Who doesn't love Marvel Comics superheroes? No not YOU, I'm talking to the people who do. Anyway, there were so many great toy lines last year and especially even more art-based toys which is always welcome. But when it all comes down to it, we always want to be sure than even our most basic superhero favorites keep getting updated in plastic...and hopefully with more articulation. That's where the Marvel Legends series shines. While the DC comics universe has toys that feature great likenesses, the Marvel Legends series feature great likenesses AND usually close to 30 points of articulation or more. What brought Toy Biz to the front of the list was a certain eater of worlds known as Galactus. In the 9th assortment of Marvel Legends which included X-Men's Nightcrawler & Professor X, Deathlok, War Machine, Daredevil's enemy Bullseye, and - at long last - Dr. Strange, each figure was packed with a piece of what you could eventually put together as a fully articulated 16" Galactus figure for your Silver Surfer figure to hang out with.

It's actually Galactus who got this series at the top of our list, because there were some figure sculpts from Toy Biz this year that were not exactly up to the same quality of past series. Assortment 10 had a version of Black Panther that would have been better had they stuck to the original costume rather than doing a version with gold nails and belt. Plus he was a little too Batman looking with that cape. The Mystique sculpt leaves a ot to be desired. Her legs just look weird. The X-Man Cyclops figure was way too body-builder-like and for no reason had no articulation in his chest/washboard area that has been the norm for most of the series' figures. Angel seems too wide. Wonder Man has strange shoulder articulation and the Scarlet Witch figure was pulled from production once they saw how horrible her sculpt was coming out (some did make it to stores though). The 1st appearance Spider-man looks great though, as does the 16" Sentinel - also put together from parts found with figures.

Despite those nerdy complaints, it was all worth it for that Galactus figure. Earlier this year Toy Biz sold the Marvel license to Hasbro. This panicked a lot of collectors who were brought down from their home made nooses once they found out that the same sculptors will be creating the figures. Hooray!!!! The world is safe again!!! ~cb

WORST TOY:

The MINI ROBORAPTOR is kinda funny but lame. Nuff said. ~rl

WORST YEAR:

2005.

Hurricanes, Floods, Earthquakes, Iraq, George W Bush, and other disasters plagued what futuremen will call The Year Time Most Wishes To Forget. The year was so bad, we had to make an issue spread out over two months just to properly cover its horridness. It's gonna be tough, but if we made it out of that year alive, I think we have a good chance to make it out of 2006.

Goodbye, yet again 2005. ~cb

Text by Chris Beyond, Sabrina Cognata, and Ryan Lies


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